Last week I was interviewed by a reporter who, following her editor’s lead, asked me about how to offer condolences to newly bereaved people. She was interested in what to say at work, with friends and neighbors, and with members of the family, even at the funeral. She talked about how awkward people feel about not knowing the right thing to say, and their fear of saying the wrong thing that might upset someone who is mourning. I explained that nothing was more upsetting than saying nothing. People like to have their sadness recognized, and they too are often embarrassed by their tears, often only because they know that they are upsetting others. Can we learn to tolerate our own discomfort to live with tears and to be there with the bereaved? Simple words like “ I am sorry” are better than nothing. Asking about the deceased is always helpful and especially, if the death is sudden, it is helpful to ask “how did it happen?” After a sudden unexpected death it all may be unreal, and talking about what happened can help make it more real. Silence can work too, as long as the bereaved know you are thinking of them. If you write a note and you knew the deceased, even very causally, write something about him or her. This is very much appreciated, as is a donation to a charity or to a religious institution that the deceased may have been involved with.
Later that day, after talking with the reporter, I was thinking about a bereaved mother I had interviewed several years before. She told me about a neighbor who always crossed the street when she saw her. This bereft mother kept wondering what she had done to offend the neighbor so that she turned away from her. It finally dawned on her that this avoidance started after her son died. The neighbor had a problem. She didn’t want to talk about the death. Many widowed people have had a similar experience and they described for me the many ways in which they responded once they finally realized what was going on. Some of their responses were not always kind to the offender, who was embarrassed and had to acknowledge what they had been doing.
I then began to think about children and if this sort of thing happened to them.
Several I talked with told me about being ignored — all the words of condolences went to their older siblings and to their parent. Several also told me about things that people said that did not help them. It was not unusual, for boys, to be told that they were the man of the house, or that they should be helpful to their bereaved parent and respect how upset they were. Children were grateful when their parent had warned them to ignore such advice. They were told that they were still children and although it was a difficult time, they would still be taken care of, they were still a family and would be there for each other. A young teen-ager recalled how grateful she was when her mother told her aunt at the funeral that she still had a mother, who would take care of her. The aunt withdrew in a huff and the family had to learn to respect but ignore people who are upset when a mourner can not take their advice. This advice is not always appropriate.
Children need to hear about the parent or sibling who died. I thought about the comments I heard about the funeral, when a parent died. Even young children who were not clear about what a funeral is, were glad they went. They talked about all the nice things they heard about their parent who had died and it pleased them that so many people wanted to come to honor this parent, reinforcing their own thoughts about how nice their parent was.
To conclude I think my conversation with the reporter led me to think about the many ways we need to consider how we talk to the bereaved shortly after the death, and that we have a great deal to learn. We need to consider what happens in schools as well, and I will do that in another blog.
