Families are changed forever by the death of a parent or a child. Part of the change is reflected in how they mark key holidays and anniversaries over the year.
As I write for this post I am thinking that we are in the midst of this holiday season. This is probably one of the most difficult times of the year for families who have experienced the death of a key family member, who will not be there to share the holiday with them.y. The challenge of finding a way of surviving the holiday may involve finding new ways of coping, new ways of looking at the meaning of the holiday, and often involving others in ways that you had not considered before. It changes as children grow and as families change in how they react to the death. For many at least initially "surviving the holiday" is the correct way to describe the experience. The festivity that is all around you may have no place at this time in your family's life. Over time many families develop new routines, they do find new ways of enjoying the holidays. While a sense of pleasure and excitement may return, it is never the same.
If it is a child who has died, a key issue is finding some consensus among the various surviving family members about how they are dealing with the death, and how they express their grief. As one parent I talked with said: "it is like reading the same book but being on different pages". Each of you is expressing your grief in ways that may not always take you in same direction. Finding a way to share your pain and respecting your differences is not easy. At the same time it is important to respect your children's grief. Some may be too young to understand all that they are experiencing, and still want all of the joys of the holiday. Others may be old enough to share your sadness and have a great deal of uncertainty about what to do with the holiday season. What is worked out for this season may serve as an example for what may be needed during other holidays to come. It is important to involve the other children in the family, to give words to your feelings and to theirs about what to do at this time of year. At Christmas young children may want reassurance that Santa will come. Sometimes other family members could be a proxy in this instance. It is important to be honest about what the surviving parents can realistically do at this time. Is it possible to make this a time to remember their sibling and to share something he or she would have enjoyed? For example, a family I talked with could not face Christmas without their 16 year old son who had died in an automobile accident theprevious month. They remembered his plans for the coming holiday. He was talking about volunteering at a homeless shelter, and instead of buying present for his family wanted to use his money for the children at the shelter. His parents talked his idea over with his younger siblings who agreed that it was a good idea to fulfill his intentions. They agreed that there would be a present for the youngest sibling when they got home. The family bought presents for the children at the shelter. Other family members decided to join them . They all began working in this shelter on Christmas day and have done so every Christmas in the decade that has passed since the death. They see this as a way of honoring the memory of their dead son and brother.
If it is widowed parents who are trying to deal with the holiday this could be a time when the fact that they are now single parents puts an additional pressure on them. These parents are now facing the fact that there is no one with whom to share their grief, to share their concerns for their children, and no one to make plans with as they had done before. Fathers often complain that it was their wife who was the glue that kept the family together. I have learned from my own research that for most families the women made the difference in developing family routines. In many ways however, each gender has to develop new skills as they figure out what it means to be a single parent, head of household.
There are no easy answers about what to do. Talking it over with the children and involving them in what is done is important. One widow talked about accepting her sister's invitation to come to her house, in another state, for the holiday week. For her and her children she saw this visit as a disaster. As she reflected on what happened, she felt that they really needed to be at home. She realized that they needed to follow some of their own traditions and that trying to conform to her sister's expectations, that they laugh and be merry, made it more difficult for all of them. The children could not have anticipated how they would feel away from home. Once there, they began to feel upset that while daddy was no longer there with them, they didn't want to lose the good times they remembered with him, and the things they enjoyed doing together. They wanted to go home. Another woman talked about what a good idea it was to visit her family and get away from the house. She needed to start a new tradition and her children seemed to be comfortable with this. One father took his teen agers skiing. They had talked it over and decided that a new adventure seemed like the right thing to try. First they went to church which is what they did every year. They knew that their mother would have wanted them to keep this as part of the way they observed Christmas. They saw this as a way of honoring her memory.
