In considering how to raise a grieving child we always need to ask what is happening in a parent's life at this time. Parents are also grieving. To help a child a parent needs to understand what all this means for him or her as well. What do parents have to deal with if it is their spouse who has died? We can talk about their feelings, their sadness, their sense of feeling lost and of not knowing that the sun will shine tomorrow or if there is hope for a future for themselves and their children. At a time when they may be least able to be reflective and thoughtful about their personal reactions they need to be thoughtful and empathic in responding to their children's needs. What would be most helpful to the surviving parent of dependent children as they try to deal with these contradictory demands they are living with? I have written before that when looking at grief we need to recognize not only the painful feelings that come after a death, but we need to recognize, as well, the changes in their lives that follow this death. We need to look beyond their feelings to the larger social context in which the surviving parent lives. One way of doing this is to ask what is lost? This helps us understand the nature of the change that is taking place. It also becomes important to ask who died, was it the husband or the wife? A critical member of the family is gone and they are now a single parent head of household as a result of the death of a parent. This was not a way of life anyone was looking for. The end of this marriage was not something anyone wanted. The world the family took for granted is different. The way decisions were made for the family no longer worked. One mother said: "I suddenly realized that I had to make all the decisions by myself. There was no one to talk with who had the same interest in our children and what was going on in their lives." There is now an extra chair at the table at meal time. A mother said: "at first we ate in the living room so we didn't have to look at the chair. We soon learned this didn't really work very well, and we finally realized we could take turns and each night someone else sat in my husband's place and this felt better". Who was there when the children came home from school? A father was pleased to learn that:"I could collect my wife's social security and this provided me with enough money to pay a baby sitter to be with the children after school until I came home from work. I had learned to cook while my wife was sick and after she died I found that the best time to do my shopping was while I had a baby sitter at home. Going shopping with 3 children under the age of 12 was too hectic and took too long".