Raising Grieving Children

How children can survive the death of a loved one.

Phyllis R. Silverman, PhD, is a Scholar-in-Residence at Brandeis University Women's Studies Research Center. See full bio

August 4, 2009, Child Development

Age Makes a Difference

As children mature, the meaning of death changes and how they grieve changes.

In a recent post, I talked about the importance of considering children's age in trying to understand what they are experiencing when they are dealing with a death of a key family member. I am typically referring to a sibling or a parent. I talked earlier about what this experience is like for pre-school and school-age children. However, as children mature, they develop a new ability to look at the meaning of the death. If the death occurred when a child was young, she or he will revisit it and may ask questions to find a new way of dealing with the loss that is consistent with the new understanding that growing up brings. When this happens, it is not the result of unresolved grief; rather, she or he is doing what comes naturally. We all revisit important events in our lives, with new skills that hopefully come from growing up and continually maturing. I talked with a young woman whose father had died when she was in first grade. She made a special trip home from college to ask about the father she really did not know. Any time her mother had tried to talk about him when she was at home, she could not listen. Now, for reasons that were unclear to her, she could listen.

A teenager can understand that death is part of the human condition, and that there will be a tomorrow, but they may not be able to use this understanding to express their feelings. Older children can see all the changes the death of someone important brings to their family. If they see their parent upset, they may feel protective toward that parent and not share what they feel. Parents often worry because they think their children should be talking about their feelings. There are no "shoulds" in how people or children deal with their grief; nor is there a timetable. If children are not open about their feelings, this does not mean they will therefore suffer serious emotional problems at a later time. It means he or she is not ready. Before they can deal with their own feelings, perhaps they have to first learn to live in a world that has radically changed as a result of the death of a parent or a child or a friend. When a death occurs, we lose not only the person, we lose the living relationship, we lose the self we were in that relationship and we lose a way of life.

In the middle chapters of our book, A Parent's Guide to Raising Grieving Children, Madelyn Kelly and I write about how to help children and adolescents understand what is happening when someone is dying, and once someone has died. Some of our messages include: ‘Don't try to take away a child's grief by denying your own; and "Don't expect them to react with your understanding and perspective." They do not always know that when someone very close to them (i.e., a parent) dies, the world doesn't stop, and that there will be a tomorrow. Yet even adults have the same feelings. I often hear people ask, "How can the world go on when my husband (or my child) has died?" If children go and play, this doesn't mean they are not grieving. Their world may feel as if it has shattered. They often seek what they understand in places where they feel safe, such as playing with friends, and doing things that have meaning to them and in which they have some bit of control. In the words of one 17 year old: "When I heard that my mother had died, I got on my bicycle and went to my friend's house. We rode to the beach. My mother loved the beach... we didn't say much but we were together and I felt a bit of quiet in me. Finally I realized my father would be worried and we came home." A 15 year old talked about her parent's wisdom after her brother's death. She learned about how her friend happened to come to visit only a year after the death. She said, "The best thing they did for me was call my girlfriend's parents and ask them to let my friend come to be with me. I didn't have to worry if I cried too much, and I could share my confusion. She knew my brother and we could share what we were feeling. My parents didn't have to worry that I was alone. They had so much to take care of. It was all so sudden." At every age, doing what comes naturally is an important part of the grieving process.