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Alcoholism
"Dad, Mom, MUST You Drink That Wine to Feel Good?"
Talking to kids and teens about drinking.
Posted April 29, 2009
Several years ago, we were enjoying a family dinner out with our then 5th grade daughter when she spoke loudly and clearly as were ordering wine. “Why do you HAVE to have that wine? Do you need it to feel good? Can’t you be like me and enjoy your food without wine, or should I be drinking wine because if I don’t I’m not enjoying my meal?” Our daughter had just finished her DARE program in fifth grade and after that harangue we lost our appetites and left the restaurant.
So, how can you explain to children and teenagers that it is good and even healthy for you to drink wine in moderation, but not good for them? Why can you drink a glass of wine with dinner and be considered legally safe to drive, but they lose their license for driving with any alcohol in their system?
I have thought about this conundrum as a mother, neurologist, middle school teacher, and wine columnist.
Why Children and Teens Brains Can’t “Handle” Alcohol
The human brain continues to develop into the early 20s through a process of plasticity (new neuron-connecting networks grow when learning takes place) and pruning (cutting away of neural circuits not needed so they won’t be take up brain nutrients needed by useful networks of brain cells).
The last part of the brain to mature through plasticity and pruning are the prefrontal lobes. These are the centers of “executive functions” such as judgment, delayed gratification for goal achievement, risk-assessment, critical analysis, planning, prioritizing, and prediction. Until this brain region matures, young people are not equipped with the brain structure to make well-informed decisions without guidance.
Another problem with young people drinking is the brain’s dopamine-reward response. Our brains are pleasure-seeking organs, which makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint because painful things often mean danger to animals and should be avoided. Pleasurable things such as eating, drinking, finding a safe habitat and a mate are positive survival strategies for animals. Generally if the brain seeks things, activities, and locations that have been associated with memories of pleasure, the animal will have a greater chance of surviving.
Along these lines, the human brain has developed a dopamine-reward memory. When something is enjoyable, the neurotransmitter dopamine is released and that release is associated with the feeling of pleasure. The brain then seeks activities and sensory input that bring back the pleasure it experienced when dopamine was released (during an exciting bike ride or with the high of alcohol). The problem is, without the mature executive functions, the teen brain seeks pleasure without the ability to judge risk. Young people experience very strong emotions and desires before they are able to consciously use sound decision-making skills. As a result, emotions often override rational thinking—which can contribute to teens making some risky decisions.
How can we talk to our children about the dangers of alcohol while continuing to enjoy our wine? It all starts with the family relationships you’ve been building all along. If your children know you are consistent and logical about the boundaries you set, they will be consistent in respecting those boundaries when it comes to drinking. Some parents hesitate to make clear rules about alcohol because they think their children are too young or they are concerned that it is hypocritical to tell their teens not to drink at all, while they themselves enjoy wine in moderation.
However, unless you are clear about your position, children may be confused and thus be tempted to drink alcohol. Their bodies may be ready to physically metabolize alcohol in moderation, but their immature prefrontal lobes are not ready to know how much, where, when, or to predict the consequences of choosing immediate gratification without considering the consequences. Drinking even small quantities of alcohol then further reduces their ability to make the right decisions and can lead to drastic consequences. Because teenagers don’t have the brain control to always make logical, informed decisions when they think they have a choice, you help eliminate the confusion of choice by being decisive in your rules. It is reasonable to incorporate accurate information about drinking along with your rules and explain that you are making these non-negotiable rules to keep your children safe because you love them.
Ideally it is best to talk about alcohol informally before children pick up information about alcohol from TV, music, older friends, and advertisements. Many parents wait until their children are in their teens and already drinking alcohol before discussing the subject. A recent study found that most children are aware of alcohol from a very early age, have their first alcoholic drink without their parents’ knowledge between the ages of 10 and 12, and nearly one out of five 8th graders drinks regularly.
Talking with your children about what wine and spirits are, what they do, and why they are enjoyable in moderation, especially with meals, will help de-mystify alcohol and take it out of the category of rebellious behaviors teens might seek in their natural, but nevertheless frightening, development of independence and self-reliance. If you have this part of the talk before they participate in their 5th grade DARE program, your child will not be confused by what they hear in that program.
Sometimes children don’t fully understand all the information in the DARE or Positive Action program presentations. They may miss explanations about why and for whom alcohol is not “bad” and worry about you having even a glass of wine with dinner. Even worse than our daughter speaking up and embarrassing us in that restaurant is the thought that she would have shouldered the burden that we were harming ourselves and she couldn’t do anything about it.
Also, DARE and Positive Action programs curricula do not include instruction about the health benefits of moderate wine drinking for adults. As a parent, you are in the best position to introduce your children to the pleasures and pitfalls of alcohol consumption. It is important that children have a chance to discuss accurate and balanced information about alcohol with you before they participate in the rather one-sided program of “just say no”. This will keep them from needless worry about you being an “alcoholic” because you enjoy wine with dinner.
Even better than talking the talk is walking the walk. As with all parenting issues, children are influenced by what they see at home. When your children see you and other adults drinking sensibly, they are more likely to respect and follow that behavior than if they see adults, in your home or at gatherings they attend with you, drinking too much, doing dangerous things, or acting inappropriately—especially if the antics of these inebriated adults are garnering laughs and encouragement from the other adults. These situations can be frightening and confusing to children. Even worse, teens may later emulate what the see if they are seeking “cool risks” for that dopamine high.
Demonizing Alcohol Is Counter Productive
An additional option is to consider the approach to wine that is predominant in many Western European countries where the alcohol related automobile accidents and rates of alcoholism are lower than in the United States. In these countries many teens are introduced to wine mixed with water at meals in the convivial company of family or friends. The philosophy of such an approach is that if children are allowed tastes of wine, the idea of alcohol having the allure of a forbidden fruit is removed and children grow up understanding the pleasures of drinking lightly, with meals, by example and without excess. Without wine’s “taboo” status, children won’t get the risk-taking pleasure jolt from sneaking away with friends to drink, and often drive, because they have tried wine already with supervision in a healthy atmosphere.
Even before their brains mature, you need to be the guiding influence that helps your children realize that their brains are not ready to make rational decisions when they drink alcohol. Moderation and judgment are just not hard-wired in the teen brain, and they rely on you for that judgment.
TALKING WITH (NOT TO) YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT DRINKING
By Judy Willis, M.D., M.Ed.
