How to Tell Your Life Story

When you look back at your life, do you assemble the events, and your reactions to them, into a cohesive narrative? Is it a cheerful tale, or a wistful one, or are you living an adventure story with hairpin plot twists and an unguessable ending?

At the Foley Center for the Study of Lives at Northwestern University, a psychologist named Dan McAdams studies the stories people tell about themselves. We all write our life stories as if we were novelists, McAdams believes, with beginnings, conflicts, turning points, and endings. And the way we characterize our past setbacks profoundly influences how satisfied we are with our current lives. Unhappy people tend to see setbacks as contaminants that ruined an otherwise good thing (“I was never the same after my wife left me”) while generative adults see them as blessings in disguise (“The divorce was the most painful thing that ever happened to me, but I’m so much happier with my new wife.”)

Those who live the most fully realized lives -- giving back to their families, societies, and ultimately themselves -- tend to find meaning in their obstacles. In a sense, McAdams has breathed new life into one of the great insights of Western mythology: that where we stumble is where our treasure lies. (The jewel lies between the dragon's teeth, the golden key lays buried in the tangled thicket -- that kind of thing.)

I've thought a lot about this idea in terms of my relationship to public speaking (which I've written about a lot, for example, in this post about the body's Stop and Go systems, and my Year of Speaking Dangerously.) I would love to be the kind of person who assumes the spotlight without a second thought. I would love not to have endured the sleepless nights and abject horror that I've suffered too often in the days and hours before giving a talk. Yet I sense that there is meaning to be made from this shyness.

Where have you stumbled? Did you make something meaningful of it? If not, it might be worth revisiting.

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