Recently I posted about approach-avoidance conflicts, especially in the context of public speaking. If you feel anxious about speaking (or anything else), there’s a good chance that some of your discomfort can be traced to your ambivalent feelings about it. For example, public speaking feels inherently dangerous to me (avoidance), and yet I want to be the best and bravest speaker I can be (approach).
I also talked recently about the physical roots of these feelings -- how our bodies have separate “Stop” and “Go” systems that influence how revved up – and how cautious and vigilant – we tend to feel. Everyone's Stop and Go systems work differently -- some are higher-octane than others. These systems also appear to operate independently of each other, so you could be strong in one but not the other. Or you could be strong (or weak) in both.
Either way, it’s good to know which way you lean, so that you can understand and fine-tune your emotional reactions to important events, instead of just letting your emotions happen to you.
Here’s a quick way to tell the relative strength of your Stop and Go systems, adapted from a questionnaire that research psychologists use:
If you have a strong “Go” system, these statements will tend to ring true for you:
1. When I get something I want, I feel excited and energized.
2. When I want something, I usually go all-out to get it.
3. When I see an opportunity for something I like, I get excited right away.
4. When good things happen to me, it affects me strongly.
5. I have very few fears compared to my friends.
If you have a strong “Stop” system, these kinds of statements will resonate:
1. Criticism or scolding hurts me quite a bit.
2. I feel pretty worried or upset when I think or know somebody is angry at me.
3. If I think something unpleasant is going to happen, I usually get pretty “worked up.”
4. I feel worried when I think I have done poorly at something important.
5. I worry about making mistakes.*
According to this test, I have strong Stop AND Go systems. I answered four out of five for both systems. Hence my approach-avoidance conflict -- I get ridiculously excited about new ideas and the chance to share them, but have a tendency to worry too much about critical audiences. (If you are like this too, or in general if your Stop system is stronger than you'd like, please see this post for tips on how to activate the Go system when need be.)
On the other hand, if your Go system is very strong relative to your Stop system, then you're probably pretty impulsive. People with this profile tend to rush through tasks, especially those requiring diligence, and even to abandon ship before they finish them. They also make a lot of errors along the way. And they tend to ignore warning signs of danger ahead.
People with weak Stop systems also tend not to slow down long enough to learn from their mistakes. (In fact, research shows that they actually speed up after making a mistake!) If this describes you or someone you know, the key to balancing your personality is to train yourself to stop and think about what's gone wrong, rather than racing ahead with your next effort. Or, more realistically, you may need to partner with someone who will do that for you.
(An entire chapter in my book is devoted to explaining how this style of thinking was prevalent on Wall Street and contributed to the financial crisis, and how we all would have been better off had it been balanced by a more reflective, risk-averse style. You will see me coming back to this theme again and again -- balance. No one way of being is better than the other; we need each style to serve as enhancer and corrective to the other.)
Which style do you/your friends/family/colleagues have? Did you find this test helpful?
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Recently I posted about approach-avoidance conflicts, especially in the context of public speaking. If you feel anxious about speaking (or anything else), there’s a good chance that some of your discomfort can be traced to your ambivalent feelings about it. For example, public speaking feels inherently dangerous to me (avoidance), and yet I want to be the best and bravest speaker I can be (approach).
