A Psychological Solution to Bullying

"They are the kids who lacked the resilience and the wisdom to deal with their problem."

I suppose if anything bullying victims did themselves a favour - if they can't hack childhood then they'll hate adulthood.

This article reminds the first time I learned that people commit suicide when I was a child. I was shocked to even know people kill themselves. I remember asking my mother why people do that. I didn't even know suicide existed until I saw the news. I did not think it was possible. Now when I look back to that memory, I think that media publicizing suicide may have contributed to the increase of suicide rate.

I think back then there were not as many people commiting suicide as nowadays. But does it mean that life back then was better? No, not really, at least in my home country. My mother said young people these days are weak due to over-protection and want to escape whenever there is a problem.

This article reminds the first time I learned that people commit suicide when I was a child. I was shocked to even know people kill themselves. I remember asking my mother why people do that. I didn't even know suicide existed until I saw the news. I did not think it was possible. Now when I look back to that memory, I think that media publicizing suicide may have contributed to the increase of suicide rate.

I think back then there were not as many people commiting suicide as nowadays. But does it mean that life back then was better? No, not really, at least in my home country. My mother said young people these days are weak due to over-protection and want to escape whenever there is a problem.

Thanks for the post. It is an interesting view of the problem and you may be right. The media should absolutely stop glorifying these kids. And I agree with the previous poster about learning about suicide as an option, I had the same thoughts when I learned about it even being an option. Back then, it was not something people spoke about and when I did hear about about it, I was told one would go straight to Hell if they took their lives.
Kids need to be allowed to learn how to deal with bullies early on in their lives. And this is not something we allow our kids to learn anymore, due to the trend of the last 2 decades of hyper-parenting. I have a post regarding this based on my own experiences in hyper-parenting at http://aweebitome.com/.

Seriously?. You got weak ass kids that think bullying is cool. I was bullied but I'm strong in my beliefs so no matter who the kids are they need support. If their peers won't accept them or their family then why should they hold it out . It's hard.

Your methods might work when the kids being bullied are of the same race and general priviledge level. Indeed, I used them successfully, in my all-white, all-girls' private school, where we were all roughly of the same SES. But they will absolutely NOT work across race, priviledge or sexual orientation lines - look up the story " One Town's War on Gay Teens" in Rolling Stone. Those LGBT kids used your methods, joking with their bullies, ignoring them, and they could not go to adults because there was a policy against it. And how well did that work? One after the other, they died. Your policies lead to dead children.

Even worse, look up "Obnoxious Classroom Curricula" by Phyllis Schlafly on "The Moral Liberal," click "About" and look down the left side to "Our Pundits." Your name appears there. You obviously are influential in very conservative circles, the kind of people who are trying to get the bill passed in Tennessee that it is okay to bully LGBT kids if it is done for religious reasons. Your philosophies are being used to pass laws that directly lead to the bullying of LGBT children. Half of all transgender children will attempt suicide at some point, and 30% of LGB teens. It is being bullied with no way out that so often leads to suicide, not weakness or attention-seeking on the young person's part, and these laws only make things more hopeless.

Gay, Lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people are human beings too, despite what your colleague Phyllis Schafly believes. They are somebody's child, and they deserve to live.

I am at a loss as to how someone with your background can be so short-sighted when it comes to such a serious problem.

SHAME ON YOU. Suggesting that kids are KILLING themselves for the attention!? Nevermind that their breaking their families hearts, it'll be worth it once their picture is on a magazine? Not in a million years, could notoriety give me the courage to END MY LIFE.

You say that kids that speak out will be labeled "snitches".. I disagree. Because of today's anti-bullying crusade- students of all ages are jumping on the bandwagon and proud to do so. The kids' that used to see someone getting bullied, feel bad about it but still say nothing are NOW saying something. And what about the victims whose circumstances have changed for the better as a result of speaking out? Jonah Mowry for instance.

There is a lot of positive going because of the posters, and the experts etc, etc. etc. And in your efforts here, I see arrogance and I see sabotage.

Bullying is all about power. The power to dominate, the power to dictate. Bullies use their victims to strike fear in the minds of the by-stander. In today's society, the bullies are winning. My own personal experiences with bullies as a parent includes one suicide. Kids (and adults) who commit suicide do not care what others think, they just want the pain to end. Bullies are glorified in every part of life. From school to work and especially sports. We shouldn't have to learn to deal with bullies anymore than we should have to learn to deal with robberies, drug dealers or rapists. The real reason we have a bully problem is because the hidden rule is "Bullying is bad... telling is worse". There are more bullies in positions of power than there are people against bullying. That's why there is a problem.

After scrolling through these comments, I felt compelled to write a few thoughts. I have used these techniques in a very large, diverse urban campus in a large American city. As the only counselor in a school of 1400+ students, I knew I needed some extra guidance on this issue, and attended on of Mr. Kalman's seminars. I had already seen the failure of the 'anti-bullying' programs and 'zero tolerance' policy. I can tell you first had, from the front lines, that this way of thinking, helping kids not become victims, absolutely works. It is logical and empowering for children ACROSS SES, cultural, ethnic, and sexual orientation lines. Read more carefully the work that Mr. Kalman has done, and is attempting to do. On of the biggest misconceptions is that he blames the victim, this is simply not true! The victim is who is being empowered. Presented correctly, this way of thinking is so logical to kids and so easy to use. Now, another misconception is that when the term "bullying" is used most people, over the age of 35 think of kids getting beaten up, while currently the term is used to label any action, such as name calling, to mean 'bullying'. Teasing is not bullying. The relentless cyber-bullying is another issue all together, and parents, teachers, counselors must band together to help strengthen student's ego's and sense of self to combat this issue. It most definitely is a problem that kids feel that they are too weak too fragile and too defined by what others think of them. This is a failing of parents and other "well-meaning" adults. Working together, we can help kids overcome this, and not see self-injury or violence as any solution.

"Bullying is bad, telling is worse." Thank you RP, this is the ideology that we, parents, teachers, community leaders have to stand up against. It not only sends a message that the bully is worthy of protection, thereby glorifying him/her.. it says to the victim, you're not worth standing up for. May as well be telling him/her "you deserve this."

"Misconceptions" ..I appreciate your commentary, and find validity in empowering kids to not be victims. Yes yes yes yes! Of course, when this starts at home, well.. those aren't the kids being bullied. However, much like the anti-bully zero tolerance policy, you're starting at ground zero. And by the way- they need not be mutually exclusive.

When you see the current campaign as you say "fail".. why? Is it not being enforced? Is it because teacher's aren't trained in identify bullying? And here I'll emphatically disagree with your "teasing is not bullying." That statement being made by a school counselor, the ONLY school counselor in a school of 1400 plus students.. is indicative as to why the campaign isn't working at YOUR school. I don't have the stats, but.. I'd place wager that bullycide happens most often as a result of of relentless teasing, not "beating." I know words can often hurt worse than fists and leave a deeper scar- in your position, how can you not know?

Bottom-line, both methods of counteracting the bullying epidemic require the same:

Identifying the problem: teacher's are privvy to student relationships in a way above others, if they don't know how to identify a problem (should students not come forward)- there should be a training course. There was recently a petition done over at change.org by a student requesting mandatory training for teachers. I signed.

Taking Action: with the anti-tolerance policy- action means: warning, suspension, etc. "Empowering the victim to not be a victim" .. again, I support this but.. who does the empowering? A counselor? How many sessions does it take, can it be done by group?

Follow-up/on-going practice.

Perhaps I read more into your "teasing is not bullying" comment than was intended; but if not- I urge you to re-evaluate your position here. If the kids that aren't being hit, are being overlooked as "victims of bullying".. then the kids that are suffering humiliation and despair because of relentless taunting and teasing are being overlooked.

Start looking after them, they don't commit suicide for the attention. They commit it because they can't withstand it anymore. Empower THEM, you know the saying.. sometimes all it takes is someone who shows they care.

And to the gentleman/miss that emailed me: I agree with having a strong support system at home. Kids that have parents that build them up, don't often seek approval by their peers and likewise, can't be crushed by peers disapproval. Those kids are lucky, too bad we can't just wave a wand over the crappy, boneheaded, or just not paying attention parents out there ;)

Unless it is physically harmful, I wouldn't say the supposed "bullying" is very severe. As with insults, I feel that sometimes it depends on how the person takes it.
I most of time avoid using the word "bully" to label someone, not because the person might not like it but rather because it feels like I am the one who surrendered. It makes me feel like the weaker one. Instead, I call them annoying people or people who like to bother other kids. This is not denial. I don't think receiving insults would qualify a person as a victim. (I just don't think of it as that bad.)
I think there are two types of bullies: the reasonable and the unreasonable. The reasonable are not as bad as the unreasonable. I remember that there were two mean girls (they were complete strangers) in my summer school class who always teased me. They ask me if I change my clothes, etc. One time I almost slap one of them in the face. My hand was raised but I quickly put it on my head and scratched my head. I simply couldn't afford to get into trouble. Well, guess what? Both of them apologized a year later. One of the girls even told me that she was being mean because she was jealous that I am smart.
Then it suddenly struck me that I had been a bully before as well(in first grade). I never realized it.