By Melissa Ritter, Ph.D.
Prince William and Catherine Middleton: William with mother, Princess Diana, and brother Harry
The next wedding of weddings is fast approaching: on April 29th, witnessed by goodness knows how many quivering millions, Prince William will wed Catherine Middleton. Supermarket checkout lines are already over-stocked with blazing headlines heralding the latest development. And in a spirit of full disclosure, I am completely up-to-date (love those
family photos posted on the official royal wedding website)
But my psychoanalyst's reflex won't just leave it with wide-eyed anticipation: when it comes to wedding mania I find myself wondering what is really going on.
That weddings captivate is clear. In fact, we can't get enough of them: the excitement! the romance! the dress! Propaganda promoting heterosexual weddings—and, increasingly gay and lesbian weddings—is ubiquitous. There are magazines, TV shows, websites, chat rooms, and blogs devoted to even the most miniscule detail: the
celebrity wedding, the
"Indie" wedding, the "
Fabulous Gay Wedding," the
Mormon wedding,
venues,
etiquette,
registries,
photos,
flowers,
place settings, and
color schemes. I want to shout, stop! But I can't. And no one else is shouting either. Something is definitely up with weddings.
Of course, a wedding is not a marriage. A wedding is a celebration, often a highly ritualized party; a marriage is a legal, sometimes religious, agreement between two people. Many gay and lesbian folks who have weddings, or their equivalent, are not currently accorded the legal right to be married. And there are some couples that get married without a wedding. So to be clear: I am talking about the wedding with all its attendant hoopla.
One thing a wedding does, especially one with all the trimmings, is help distract couples from the inevitable anxiety and doubt accompanying the decision to attempt a life together. In addition to feeling love, passion, respect and attachment, most couples struggle with extremely painful feelings towards each other as well. Feelings like disappointment, rage, contempt, jealousy, disgust, and even hate. But it is not socially acceptable to express these feelings or even acknowledge them to oneself. Self-help books are brimming with cautionary words suggesting that difficult feelings are evidence not of our shared and inevitable humanity but of something gone awry in the relationship.
With all these unruly feelings to avoid, thank goodness for weddings! Once couples are ensconced in preparations, compelling practical preoccupations can sideline difficult feelings: just dismiss them as "cold feet" and get to work picking that color scheme! In fact, such redirection is common; getting stuck deciding on menu items can signal unacknowledged emotions about the person with whom you are embarking on this particular interpersonal adventure.
The problem here is not the difficult feelings—we all have them; they go with the territory of intimacy-the problem is not paying sufficient attention. The person with whom you have chosen to partner is likely one who inspires passionate feelings of all persuasion. The trick is welcoming the abundance; understanding what the feelings are about, learning to live with them all, and tolerating that you will probably find yourself sometimes hating the person you love most. And this is OK. This is human.
Which brings us back to Prince William and Catherine. The allure of the celebrity wedding is that its two-dimensional presentation blithely obliterates all the complicated feelings couples experience. We receive momentary relief from what is often a more treacherous and scary emotional reality with which we contend. We are offered a meticulously managed narrative of courtship, engagement and planning, all leading up to The Big Day. Afterwards, the ravishing couple lives happily every after. Really? Not so much. For anyone. Ever.
The fairy tale entices us away from examining the messiness of our own confusing, daunting and intermittently joyous attempts at being fully present and engaged with another human being. Of course, fairy tales are also good fun, as are weddings. But one hopes for balance: intimacy requires a deliberate intent to recognize the full range of one's feelings towards one's partner, as well as effort to understand where the feelings come from.
As the anticipation of the royal wedding swells and gilded coverage papers all form of media, it's useful to observe our own reaction as well as that of those around us; perhaps consider our thoughts and feelings about romantic partnership. So enjoy the show, but keep in mind that it's not just OK, but absolutely to be expected that a long-term partnership will be shadowed with as much dark as it is flooded with light.
There is a lot more to be said; our fearful flight from uncomfortable feelings is only one of many factors contributing to wedding mania. But the clock is ticking and I don't want to miss TLC's "Say Yes to the Dress."
----------
About the Author:
Melissa Ritter, Ph.D. is a Supervisor of Psychotherapy at the William Alanson White Institute and Adjunct Clinical Faculty at the City University of New York. She is also the founder and former Chair of the William Alanson White LGBT Study group. She has a particular interest in both the cultural and personal aspects of romantic relationships for folks of all sexual orientation and gender identification. In her New York City private practice she works with adults, adolescents and couples.
© 2011 Melissa Ritter, Ph.D., All Rights Reserved
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psychoanalysis-30
