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A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about a recent ‘Mad Men’ episode that featured the suicide of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce’s Lane Pryce. I was most interested in how Lane’s colleagues dealt with his suicide, which occurred in their workplace.
Interestingly, via Facebook, someone commented that I hadn’t addressed the feelings of guilt held by those left behind after Lane’s death, specifically Don Draper. The Facebook commenter felt that Don’s guilt over Lane’s death was misplaced, that Don “carried a guilt that was completely of his own making. He did nothing to cause Lane to kill himself.”
I had many mixed feelings when I read this comment, and I didn’t know how to respond. Over the past couple of weeks, as I’ve mulled over that comment, I’ve thought a lot about “survivor guilt,” or the blame that those left behind after a suicide may feel for not being able to do anything to prevent the death.
I honestly couldn’t parse out if I thought that Don had done anything to “cause” Lane’s suicide, because I simultaneously hold two sometimes conflicting beliefs: that suicide is the choice of the person who takes that act, and that suicide is preventable.
These beliefs have developed at different points in my life. The first developed as part of my coping with my father’s suicide when I was a child. In order to make sense of his death, I had to believe that it was his choice - and that there was nothing that anyone could do to alter that choice.
The second developed in the time between my childhood and my entry into the professional world of suicide prevention. When I was in social work school working on suicide prevention, my long-held beliefs about suicide as an inevitable choice were challenged. Here were groups of professionals working to prevent suicide — setting up systems to better support people at risk, training therapists to be better at responding to people who talked about suicide, and trying to decrease the access to means for suicide by teaching family members to lock up pills and guns.
In the 15 years between my father’s death and the beginning of my career, a lot had changed - a whole movement had formed. But, still, guilt among survivors of suicide remained.
Author Harold Ivan Smith characterizes part of life after suicide loss as “the long-shadowed grief.” I find that expression incredibly eloquent and true. Mourning the loss of someone to suicide, just as mourning the loss of anyone, takes time. For suicide survivors, the never-answered question “is there anything I could have done?” can extend grief infinitely.
What resources are available for those left behind after a suicide death - survivors of suicide?
- Support groups: The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention keeps an updated list of survivor support groups throughout the U.S., and includes links for bereavement groups for children and teens.
- Books and other writings: It can be very validating to read others’ reflections on loss and bereavement. The American Association of Suicidology features a recommended book list on their website.
- Connecting virtually: Facebook and other virtual communities are making it possible for people with shared experiences to connect across the world. Check out Mom Squad, a Facebook community specifically for those who’ve lost mothers to suicide, started by a brother and sister who lost their mom to suicide.
What else would you like to see as resources to support those left behind after suicide?
