How to Respond to Insults from your Teen

Have you seen the video about the father who shoots his daughter's laptop?

At the time I had viewed it on you tube, it had about thirteen million views. I read the description, and became surprised. So what's the big deal if a dad takes to the Internet to vent about his daughter? Did he say something profound? Did he do something inappropriate? Well.. after watching the video I came to my conclusion as to why the video had gone viral. He shot about seven to eight rounds of ammo into his daughter's laptop. Needless to write, the commentary section is mostly split into two, people who support him and people who don't.

Here's my take on his actions, I agree with everything he said in the video. However, I consider his approach to be unnecessarily tasking and over the top with the bullets to the laptop. When he read his daughter's letter, my opinion was that he was a good father, who with his wife provides a good home and structure for his daughter. After watching the video, I came to my conclusion that he is still a good father who with his wife provides a good home and structure for his daughter, and.. he has some concerning anger issues.

Regardless, this video has inspired me to write this post on a three step process parents can practice in responding to insults and disrespect from their teens.

Step one: Give your teen some space.

A common mistake most parents make is trying to fix their son or daughter's bad mood. If you notice your teen is in a bad mood, it's certainly okay to ask if he or she is okay. If what you get in response is a glare, hiss or some other disrespectful gesture, don't react to it. Your teen needs to learn to self soothe. As a therapist, I frequently encounter parent-child dynamics where a parents tries the best he or she can, to soothe a disgruntled teen. Then when that parents gets no where, he or she becomes frustrated and becomes confrontational with the teen. This transitions into a habitual cycle where the teen responds with more rude remarks at the parent, and in cases where you have a parent with an anger problem of his or her own, that teen receives an exaggerated punishment. At which point the parent is lamenting that they have done all they can, and at this point have run out of privileges to take from the teen.

The problem? The parent is still trying to fix the teen's bad mood, while the teen responds with passive aggressive get back games, which earns more purnishment from the parent.

If your teen presents with a foul attitude, so long as he or she isn't damaging property or attempting to harm his or herself or anyone else, let them be. They should be afforded the dignity of learning to work through difficult feelings.

Step two: Address complaints from a place of compassion.

If your teen addresses a series of complaints with you, address them one at a time. First it is important to note that as human beings we all have an innate emotional need to belong. People who report feeling heard also report feeling a sense of belonging. Giving your teen some of your precious time, just to hear him or her out, no matter how ridiculous you consider the complaint or proposal to be, goes a long ways in demonstrating to your teen that you value him or her as a member of the family and someone in your life.

A teen who feels valued and has a genuine sense of belonging in the household, is usually more cooperative.

Step three: Enforce natural and logical consequences as often as possible.

Say you have a sixteen year old, who for some reason hasn't gotten a job, despite your insistence. Natural and logical consequences would be that your teen will not receive small luxuries typically taken for granted. Such as a car, a video game console, a computer, a smart phone, new Air Jordans, etc.

Your responsibility as a parent until your teen becomes of age, is to provide the necessities; food, water, clothing, shelter and unconditional love. IIf your teen chooses to communicate and regard you with an attitude regarding the natural and logical consequences, or complain bitterly about you on facebook, defer to steps one and two.

So there you have it, three easy to comprehend steps on how to respond to insults and disrespect from your teen. Granted the processes of application is a different story, but remember- "to err is human". If you finding yourself not following the steps, forgive yourself and resume practicing these habits.

Here's a link to the video

So what are your thoughts and feelings? Do you feel you have a better argument? If so please feel free to leave your appropriate comments in the comment section.

Ugo is a psychotherapist and owner of Road 2 Resolutions a Professional Counseling and Life Coaching practice based in Tucson AZ.

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Follow Ugo on Twitter @ugouche

Ugo also has a blog dedicated to all things anger management called Road 2 Anger Management.