Are our children today considerably more egotistical than past generations? Most people may look at social media and come to the decision that more youths than generations past present with larger than life egos, particularly when sites like Facebook and Twitter are looked at. Another source for a rough measurement of ego among today's youth would be popular music. While on the subject of media and entertainment, let's not forget reality shows.
My intent is not to jump on any bandwagon to bash any artists or genres, but to address the issue of teens who present as being egotistical, more times than others. The irony with any human being, who presents with a larger than life ego, is that such a person almost always is coming from a place of low self worth.
Today's post is about a radio interview, in which I was invited to comment on with the Bam Radio network. The topic was on coping with teen ego, and it was hosted by Dr. Regina Rei Lamourell with Keith Campbell as a special guest and me as a commentator. I will not attempt to spoil the interview for readers of this post, so here is the link to listen to the interview in its entirety.
However, in today's post I would like to address a common reason that teens become egotistical and three strategies parents can take to reverse such a habitual way of relating to the world.
A common reason you will find teens presenting to others with larger than life egos is due to a not so private sense of low self worth. A low self worth usually comes from having a sense of low competency in the world. As human beings we are hard wired to be social creatures, and a significant milestone with any teenager is an expressed desire and follow-through in becoming of service to others. It is human nature for teens to want to aspire to certain skills or professions that serve the community, for which in return they experience a sense of belonging and recognition.
The process of expressing a desire to aspire to a profession and going through the process of actually acquiring the skill is filled with challenges for any teen. With the expansion of mass media, more teens are getting exposed to the end result (people who have experienced success as a result of the challenges they have committed to stay the course on). With an emphasis on presentation (or end result), most teens lose sight on the big picture, they are routinely confronted with people who are have earned the admiration of their respective communities, but are seldom exposed to the process these persons took to be where they are in their lives. Sometimes, the mainstream media will expose us to the stories of struggles experienced by some public figures, but it usually feels like the underlying theme suggests that people should not experience struggle, and those that do are extraordinary.
In truth, people who have accepted the challenges that visited them in pursuit of their goals are consistent in their practice of humility. This is because whenever we commit to going through any challenge in life, we are reminded of our vulnerability as human beings. Also, whenever we stop allowing ourselves to face challenges presented to us, we forget about our vulnerability as human beings. Needless to state, teens who feel confident in more aspects of their lives than others, are more consistent in being humble, as opposed to teens who feel less competent in more aspects of their lives than others.
So if you have a teen who presents as been egotistical, chances are that he or she feels very inadequate in a significant portion if not most aspects of their lives. Remember, empty bottles make the loudest noise.
Here are three strategies parents can practice to get their teens back to embracing a more humble head space.
1) Place more attention for understanding and less on the end result.
In my practice, I have noticed that a significant number of parents' interest in the academia of their children, start and begin with their school grades. If a parent is not happy with his son's grades, there becomes an obsession with bringing his grades or GPA up. As a result, too little attention is paid to the process by which the teen comes to understand information taught to him. I see the same thing with teens that have high grades, a significant number of parents congratulate them and leave it at that. Unfortunately, this type of mentality carries into other aspects of the parent-child relationship, in which the parent only seems to show interest in the end goal and not the process.
For teens who internalize this mentality, they become more susceptible to being less competent about facing challenges and as a result a lot of energy is placed on looking good. Parents should work on stepping back and looking at the big picture, regardless of how well your child has done in any aspect of his life, spend some time with him to understand how the process was like from his perspective.
2) Share your stories of struggle.
As adults it's easy to forget how far we have come, until a relative reminds us of our earlier days. If you notice your teen experiencing difficulty in any aspect of his life, if might be a good opportunity to share with him, something you struggled with when you were his age, the painful feelings you experienced as a result of your struggle and the process you took to resolve your struggle. It is important to remember that the story doesn't have to have a happy ending; it simply reassures your teen that his difficulties are not unique.
3) Practice what you would like you teen to model
As stated again, as adults it is easy for us to forget how far we have progressed, until we are reminded by a relative. For parents who have achieved a significant degree of success in any aspect of their lives, it is important to keep in mind that your teen is only witnessing the end result, and not the process it took to get to wherever you may be. So it is important to be mindful of your attitude, specifically in regards to how you relate to others. If your teen perceives you as being egotistical, then it is likely they will adopt the same attitude in their interactions with others. The question is this; will such an attitude serve them well in their quest for competency?
Road 2 Resolutions
