A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh...you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" ...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
* Employment jokes
Mujibar was applying for a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready." The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
The manager: you got the job.
The Ten Commandments of Employment
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE.'
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
