Peacemeal

Creating a life of harmony one choice at a time.

by Elaine Shpungin

How to Go From Regret to Reconnection in 4 Simple Steps

By Elaine Shpungin, Ph.D. on January 14, 2012 in Peacemeal

Have you ever wished you could 'un-say' something the minute it comes out of your mouth? Or wished you could rewind an argument to that crucial moment - and respond differently this time? With this simple technique you can can virtually turn back the clock - while simultaneously teaching your mind to do it differently in the future. Read More

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Submitted by Anonymous on January 14, 2012 - 11:06am.

Thanks for posting, I have no problem with finding a different way of phrasing things as my guilty mind keeps replaying different scenarios..now the hard part is to get the other person to agree to do a do-over after being disrespectful to them they might as well never want to have anything to do with you..is there a way of calming my mind from replaying my faults (especially if i can't do it with the other person)the self soothing part doesn't really seem to work for me even after a certain time has past.
Thanks in advance.

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Re: How do we get buy-in for Do Over and get past our Guilt?

Submitted by Elaine Shpungin, Ph.D. on January 14, 2012 - 12:49pm.

Thanks for writing in. I love to hear from my readers - and I believe you are asking two great questions.

1. The first, as I understand it, is how do we get the other person to agree to a Do-Over?

Surprisingly, in my experience, and in that of others who've written to me, people are pretty willing to give it a go when you ask with humility and care. The other day a colleague of mine tried it with her 12 yr old niece on the phone, after the previous conversation had not gone well, and reported that her niece was totally up for it and had fun with it. To her, it was cool that an adult was admitting she was wrong and wanting to try it again - rather than just saying "sorry."

One idea when starting with this strategy is to practice on something small that did not go well (but was not a complete bomb). This may allow you (and other other person) to gain some trust in the technique and make way for bigger Do-Overs in the future.

Another idea is to talk about the strategy ahead of time and agree to try it next time the chance occurs.

2. The other question - as I understood it - has to do with shifting from Guilt or Shame into Regret.

Regret has (for me) a softer, more forgiving quality that is sad but focused on wishing I had done it differently.

Shame and Guilt (for me) is more likely to paralyze me or get me stuck in a loop of self-recriminations (what you described aptly as "replaying my faults").

One way I have of getting past this loop is to practice (in my mind or on paper) my favorite self-connecting exercise (some call this self-empathy). You can read about it in my post "Speaking While Upset: Moving From Destructive to Constructive in 6 Simple Steps" (see link below).

I'd love to hear back from you if any of this winds up being helpful so I can keep learning too.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/peacemeal/201010/speaking-while-upse...