Peacemeal

Creating a life of harmony one choice at a time.

by Elaine Shpungin

The Most Important Thing To Know About Conflict

By Elaine Shpungin, Ph.D. on September 27, 2010 in Peacemeal

Turning ideas about conflict, safety, and explosiveness upside down. Read More

I couldn't agree more

Submitted by Lisa Hayes on September 24, 2010 - 12:44pm.

In my work with clients I find that very often too much energy is spent hiding from the truth. Women, especially are taught to avoid conflict, and although the thought of moving toward it might seem uncomfortable, it's the only way to actually move through it. I also think a woman's inability to manage conflict has a profound affect on self esteem which impacts all of her relationships. I recently wrote an article on that subject, http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/mini-manifesto.php .

Thank you so much for sharing.

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Why the empasis on Barter

Submitted by Weston on September 24, 2010 - 2:02pm.

While I agree with the content of what you are saying, I'm curious why you attribute it to Dominic Barter. There is nothing that I can see in your column that Barter is doing or saying, that is any different from what Marshall Rosenberg first formulated and taught years ago. The exact same stuff has been taught for years by hundreds of NVC trainers.

While you acknowledge NVC towards the end I'm perplexed with the emphasis on Dominic Barter, as if this was something that he created or perfected. I'm sure he (like hundreds of others) is a fine teacher of Rosenberg's work. I just think credit should go where credit is due.

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My thoughts on NVC vs. RC

Submitted by Elaine Shpungin, Ph.D. on September 27, 2010 - 9:33am.

Weston,

Thank you for your question. As a student and practitioner of both Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication (NVC) and Barter's Restorative Circles (RC), your comment was thought-provoking for me.

Naturally, I can only speak from my own evolving understanding of the two practices and philosophies, as I've learned them and have been living them in my personal and work life.

So, I'll begin by confirming my understanding that Barter's knowledge of NVC helped inform and deepen the restorative RC process he created.

In terms of differences, Barter is not a teacher of NVC and Restorative Circles can - and are - carried out successfully without any knowledge of NVC by the participants or facilitator.

Also, in my understanding, the goals supporting the two processes are quite different.

NVC provides a pathway to connect to oneself and others through a process of re-humanization (yourself and the other) and an emphasis on shared human needs and feelings. One of the main goals seems to be connection.

RC provides a pathway for people experiencing painful conflict to "right" relationships that have become askew. Re-humanization and connection does tend to occur as part of the Circle. The goal, however, is "restoration" of relationships and re-integration into community - and also, I have heard Barter say "truth telling."

It's not that these goals are not present in NVC or other spiritual or communication practices. It's that RC is a honed and pared down container for moving towards painful conflict and emerging on the other end with mutual understanding and an action plan everyone agrees on.

Perhaps the answer to your question is simply that my brief post did not capture all this richness. Or, perhaps, our lived experiences of NVC are simply not the same.

However, it has been our lived experience that after studying and trying to live NVC for 1.5 yrs, learning the RC process and philosophy for the last 6 months has completely revolutionized our understanding and ABILITY to move towards conflict in a restorative and effective way - both in our personal and work life.

Again, I really appreciate your comment and would love to hear about some of your experiences in moving towards conflict using the NVC model. If you are on Twitter you can contact me directly at "eshpu" if you want to.

yours,
Elaine