If someone once said, "
Parenting is the art of getting kids to do what you want them to do and getting them to stop doing things you don't want them to do," (Heitler,
Three Ways to Get Kids to Behave, Psychology Today Blog, 2/10/12) then I'm here to disagree. A parent who is trying to manage her life with the least thought and consciousness possible certainly has the above goal. But when given the chance to consider his job carefully, I don't think any parent would suggest that his parenting goal is simply to get children to go along and
cooperate. This is an expression of a life
management issue, not a parenting aspiration.
Not only is parenting a complex job, it is the most important job you will do in your life. Why? Because how you parent today will determine not only your own future but also contribute to the world's future.
We seem to be awakening to this notion as evidenced by the amount of advice, strategies, and points of view now available on this subject. Parenting information, suggestions, and advice have never been greater. Should you follow Tiger Mom's advice and take no prisoners as long as your child is doing what you determine is the best path for her? Or should you follow the latest craze and become more like a French parent who never has a child whine, cry, or get upset in public. Seems as though this advice is in keeping with the old adage children should be seen and not heard. Still others would argue that the latest American path is to let children do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want. "Children today have no discipline," is a complaint frequently heard.
I have added my two cents to the conversation. In my book Why Do Kids Act That Way? The Instruction Manual Parents Need to Understand Children at Every Age, I explain many issues, including specific strategies to increase children's cooperation and decrease parental-child conflict. Offering parents a new, modern approach to understanding children's misbehaviors while teaching children the art of self-discipline is at the heart of my work.
Do you wonder what the most popular and often used parenting strategies are that almost all parents follow? Parents treat their children similarly to how their own parents treated them. For good or ill, if your parents were screamers chances are you are a screamer too. If your parents were liberal and permissive, you probably follow a similar path. If your parents took you to church every Sunday, you probably take your children to church every Sunday. We parent how we were parented.
Other folks who are not following their own parents parenting path are probably struggling to do something very different. If your parents were very strict and you did not like or agree with this, you are probably trying to figure out how to parent without the same rules, regulations and restrictions that you felt you endured. This group may be relying on their partners'
childhood experiences to guide their parental strategies.
Or perhaps you are struggling together to blaze a new trail all your own. Are you a single parent who has no model for this parenting challenge having been raised by two parents? Are you a step parent with no model for this role? Are you a parent who is co-parenting with not only your former spouse, but with your child's new step-parent? In all of these circumstances it is hard to follow what you knew as a child if it is very different from the complex parenting dynamic you are presently dealing with.
As a developmental psychologist, parenting coach and person who is passionate about helping parents better understand what makes their children do the things they do I spend much of my time helping parents. Do these parents know and understand what their parenting job includes? Do they have parenting goals? Do they know how they presently handle the management aspect of their parenting job? How do they self-evaluate in each of these parenting areas and more?
Many of these parents begin to contemplate and consider changing their present parenting strategies and behaviors. When these folks determine that what they are doing isn't working for them or for their children they decide to change.
However, whenever a person is considering change the very first step must be to become conscious and aware of the choices you are presently making. Even if you never do one thing differently as a parent, you will become a better, more effective and loving parent if you first become conscious of the kind of parent you presently are.
So rather than spending your time complaining how your children are not doing what you want them to do, spend time observing how you are asking your children to do what you what you want them to do. Do you ask? Do you whine? Do you yell? Are you patient, sarcastic, bored, annoyed?
If you are unhappy with your child's lack of cooperation in completing his school work, start attending to what you are doing to deal with this area of frustration in your life? I've not doubt you can give me a detailed description of what your child is and is not doing. But do you have the same clarity for your own behavior?
Play detective for one week. But instead of looking for clues about your children, observe yourself. Aren't you just the least bit curious to see if you have morphed into your mother or father? You can't start changing or doing anything differently until you first know what it is that you actually do.
And sometimes as you become aware of how you actually behave change begins.
