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Adolescence
Reflect, Validate, Repeat as Necessary
Want to learn how to communicate with a teenager? Follow these few simple steps.
Posted September 27, 2014
Reflection
Reflection simply involves repeating what you’ve heard to make sure you understood. “So you think the curfew is too strict, and you thought I wouldn’t mind if you came home a little later than usual?”
Reflective listening is a difficult skill, especially when we are emotionally charged. It is important for adults to make sure that they pause, breathe, and model the type of calm and communicative behavior they want to see in teenagers. If we come in strong, angry and shouting, it will simply create more conflict.
And bear in mind, reflecting what someone says doesn’t mean you agree with it at all. This is a difficult concept for parents to practice. “I get that you find smoking weed relaxes you and you think I’m too uptight about it.” You can make it clear that you do not agree with a particular behavior or response, but can still show that you care about their feelings.
One trick is to agree with part of what a teenager is stating. For instance, “You never let me do anything! You are SO strict and paranoid that I’m going to be some sort of delinquent!” A response of, “You’re right, I am pretty strict and I am worried about you, but we need to talk about what is appropriate and not.” can get you much further than just denying or challenging the statement completely. Agreeing with part of a statement can be validating to a teenager and, importantly, can disrupt the argument.
Open-ended questions can sometimes come across as ‘therapeutic’, and caution is advised with this. Adolescents don’t like to feel like as though they are being analyzed, observed, and judged, even though this is part of human nature and how we process information about each other. Saying, “Well, what do you think you feel about this consequence?” can be helpful, but not if it was preceded by too many open-ended questions that relate to messy things like feelings, consequences, expectations, and the impact of one’s decision to play strip poker after drinking kool aid and vodka!
Validating
Validating someone’s thoughts or emotions involves accepting that what they have said is valid for them, even if we do not agree with them. So, it involves focusing on the emotional content of a statement or conversation and reflecting that, rather than the details.
When parents have a child in wilderness therapy, one of the big assignments in the beginning is for parents to write an ‘impact letter’. This letter uses specific examples of when a parent was impacted positively and negatively by the actions of their child. I ask parents to be specific, because teenagers will easily dismiss generalizations. The student’s job is to read the impact letter out loud in front of the group, and then to respond in writing by reflecting and validating the emotions of their parents.
“But my dad lied in his impact letter. He said I got angry and slammed the bedroom door. I didn’t. I slammed the bathroom door, so he’s wrong!” Too often, we get caught up in the details. “I don’t care what door you slammed,” I told this young man. “What’s important is that you slammed a door in anger and it made your dad feel frustrated and angry.” This teen’s job was to reflect his dad’s anger and to validate his emotions, not debate the details of the scenario. Regardless of the particular door that was slammed, the emotional response that Dad had was valid and needed to be reflected.
Remember, like reflection, validation doesn’t equal agreement. “How can I validate her saying how angry she is with me, when I think she’s angry for all the wrong reasons? She will think it’s okay for her to think this way!” This was what one father said to me after I suggested he practice validating with his 16 year-old daughter after they had a heated argument about boys, appropriate clothing, and Facebook. We spoke about how validation does not mean agreement, but rather accepting the other’s thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are understandable on some level, regardless of the circumstances or your own thoughts and feelings.
Validation requires empathy. When we validate, we need to have some degree of understanding of how the other’s perspective could seem ‘true’ for him or her. Validating can be done by sharing something like this: “It makes sense to me on some level that you don’t want to have to come home by your curfew,” or “When you drank at that party, based on what you are saying, I could see why you did it.”
A side benefit of validation is that it can help us calm a conversation that is becoming heated. Teenagers are so often used to putting up a verbal fight with adults when they have gotten into trouble. And when we validate their thoughts, feelings, and especially behaviors, we can take some of the force out of their argument.
Again, please remember that validation doesn’t mean you agree with their behaviors etc. Practice validating when it is difficult. You should focus on what the other person is sharing about their thoughts and feelings rather than arguing. However, beware that, if overdone, this can come across as patronizing, so be sparing and genuine with your validation. Repeat your validation (with some time passing in-between) and you will earn extra points. A validation of something that was said earlier emphasizes how much you care, how you listened, and that you value the communication you received.
