Overcoming Self-Sabotage

Bravo on bringing this very important and prevalent human issue to the public blogosphere~!! More people should be aware that help is out there and available for people suffering from self-sabotage.

I am curious to know how many people self stabotage for social acceptance. I believe I have a high sense of self worth but do not want to deal with personal attacks that come along with success.

Sometimes it is hard to change well worn patterns that have taken years to perfect. It is the comfortable person that we know. Sometimes our families keep us well positioned in our roles and don't allow us to move out of this self-defeating place. If they allowed this then they too would have to move out of theirs.

Does this ring any bells?
You can self sabotage to please someone who you want to be in favour with but who has told you you are bad at something or who needs to feel better than you at something. So you alter your behaviour to please the person but inside you feel awful and frustrated. Then you start to punish yourself because part of you feels outraged and the other part is angry you don't have the courage to be yourself. At this point you have got into the habit of failing or putting yourself last because success would proove the powerful person wrong and mean that you couldn't rely on them for the safety of their protection. You might even lose them altogether. So then they have a totally different impression of the sort of person you are and you are stuck in a lie. Self sabotage can seem the only way out.
If this seems familiar I can only urge you to sell the cat if necessary but go and find some help. It really works - but don't let the money thing stop you. Saying you can't afford it is ANOTHER self sabotage! ARGH...

Today I finally realize I have been my own worst enemy, and have started recalling all the things I have done as far as I can remember, in my childhood. Share your shame, they say. I am so tired of being at war with myself. I have dreams and visions of beauty and health and love that many many of the ideas I adopted about who I was or wasnt will never reconcile. I live taking three steps forward and two backwards, on a good day. when I stop being on top of everyhting, suddenly I look and I've made 5 steps backwards.
First, I have taken the pack of cigarretes I just swore to myself would be the last... for the last 6 years, and wrote SELF SABOTAGE on each and every one. why dont they make it a brand? would we understand then?

I read this article from a self-injurer's point of view.
As you put self-injury as one of the examples of self-sabotage, I'm sorry to say I find this article somewhat offensive.
I don't think what self-injurer do is a form of 'sabotage'. No, that is just not the word I would use for self-injury.
I can't explain it well, but at least I want you to know my opinion. Maybe it just me being like that.

I know the purpose of this article is good, and I hope it can help people who need it.

I think I'm pretty much ruining my life through self-sabotage. I'm a college student, and I'm slowly ruining my grades and chance of a job after college. Instead of doing my homework, I'll run errands, watch TV, binge eat, and surf the internet until late at night and then stay up until early in the morning finishing the homework I could have done in an hour or two. I haven't made any friends at the college because I never give myself the chance to socialize. I sit at my rental house and procrastinate and think to myself, "I can't go out until I finish my homework," but I never finish it. This is also drastically affecting the relationship I do have with friends and family--even my immediate family. I don't call or write anyone because I stay home everyday so I literally nothing to talk about with them--so I'm losing those relationships as well. I can't afford a therapist so I'm not really sure what to do.

Why no talk to friends and family? Spill the story, the feelings and get some help. I would do that for someone. Bring in the family, sell the TV, empty the fridge or best, go out and make some friends and maybe then when you come home things will seem better.

Anonymous- you have a great one there. The person who shapes and moulds your self-sabotaging behaviour. Is this a parent? If it is I have sympathy but if it is an adult and you also adult- walk away. The person is weak, scared and should not be in your life. GET THEM OUT!!!

I am beginning to think that all those who abuse others are weak and need to be stood up to. Then they fall apart. I cannot see how anyone, except a parent, can continue if you say NO MORE! Parents who do this are taking advantage of children and need to be dealt with.

You touched on the idea that slinging around insults in a fight with your significant other is a common form of self-sabotage, and I believe it is more common than you would think. I'd like to share my experience in the hopes that others will be able to discover the self-sabotage in their own relationships.

I have a wonderful girlfriend that I could not be more happy to be with. We've known each other for ages and, I believe, genuinely love each other. We're there for each other, we communicate, we share each others' interests, and we just enjoy being around one another. However, I have been recognizing in myself a pattern of behaviour that is a danger to the status of a relationship that I hope to remain in for the rest of my life. We have been fighting, mostly from my end, about the silliest things, and she said something to me tonight that really made me think: that there are no problems with the relationship, and that the problem is an internal one with myself. Needless to say, I am willing to do whatever it takes to solve this issue, both for the relationship and for her.

The main symptom for me is the conjuring up of problems that don't exist. She is totally loyal to me, and I have an irrational fear of her cheating on me with one of my friends. This notion is absolutely absurd, and I know that, but somehow, I just cannot get it out of my head. That's just one example, and there are many others, but the point I'm trying to make here is that the self-sabotage, for me, is totally subconscious. I want everything to do with this relationship, I want to take the dive and give it the chance because I truly believe it's worth it, but somehow I'm getting in the way of myself in a manner that I don't fully understand. So in reading this blog, I really hope to discover something about myself, how to recognize this rogue cognitive behaviour as well as how to effectively combat it and stop building unnecessary speed bumps in an otherwise ideal relationship.

"Stop 'SHOULDING' all over yourself"
Love that line from Stuart Smalley from SNL's Al Franken.
I think of his character when the topic of Self Sabotage comes to mind; something I struggle with myself.
I think somewhere in the human psyche of the self-sabotageur is this need to adhere to a pattern. That pattern is DISAPPOINTING ones self and it sucks! It's to do with self perception. If one sees ones self as a failure, as one who doesn't complete things or even start things, then one adheres to that FAMILIAR label: the non-finisher. the non starter, one who cannot begin the beguine....and , ofdd as it seems, it is more comforting in the immediate sense to maintain hat unsavory status versus changing status because, to change, that takes RISK. Rish of failure? Yes...but risk of succeeding. Succeeding , to the self appointed 'falure' carries with it also some foreign sense of the unfamiliar ...that new stance of assumig the role of The Success.I think at the root of this fearing success stems from some notion our family...namely --yes you:MOTHER has embedded in our psyches. At a very early age, we become accustomed to playing a role and, if that that role has been as 'the perpetual disappointment'as has been reflected my dear old Mom...then that role is hard to step out of...because it is now not just us trying to do something right and good for ourSELVESbut rather that unspoken role of hoping...oh just daring to PLEASE the grand judge:HER.From past experiences, with each attempt to dare to succeed and please, one ,,,namely **I** have taken hard falls when that attempt does not please but it met with her typical ney-sayng responses. "What are you doing THAT for? That's no good. Stop that. I expected nothing MORe than this not succeeding" and thus, this sense that one is hexing ones self by even telling her or any other influential source of ones plans...to at least TRY.Then, later, as this pattern solidifies--cements, one...meaning I...don't even need to dare to tell her...to forcast plans, hopes and aspirations because I have assumed that role of not getting it right...and all of this..all of this fear of change and fear of daring to at least TRY becomes an emotional burden; an obstetrical I then have to try to hurdle over. I do hurdle over. I am a successful painter, in that I can paint very very proficiently...but not because of those oppressors, but in spite of them.My advice to anyone who has similar situation as me is to sit and write down on one half of a sheet of peper: OPTIONS. I can do it. I can try...or I can NOT do it and be reassured of one for-sure result. I will contiinue to be disappoinnted in myself and I will not accomplish that what I said I would do I am succeeding in lying to myself...breaking a promise where, now I am assuming the role of the abuser. Lying to myself. Letting myself down and later, when I am trying to sleep, I can lay there and be over come with feelings of guilt low self esteem and fear that the pattern will continue. OR...I can get up and at least TRY. Many of us, me included, has been brought up in a fearful environment where we were not permitted to FAIL. I think it is important to teach our kids to fail, to then dust ourselves off and resume TRYING. Teaching the kids that failing is not the end of the world...but stopping trying...not finishing projects, not even starting projects: THAT is failing ourselves. So together, let us with this problem joining forces emotionally and stop abusing ourselves. Enough people do that for us. Let's be the one person we can count on. Our SELVES and ---like the Nike motto: "Just DO it"
Starting is the hardest part.If you start then stop, say to yourself it is not the end of the world..and start again. Break that chain. be the one to break the pattern. Here. now. Forget about tomorrow. Live in the here and now.
That's my 2 cents worth on the subject. I shall now reject further allure by the internet and finish that what I started.
Good luck everyone. Don't give up you can DO it!Prove everyone wrong. SUCCEED.Dare to try.
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I was just thinking...when we rebel against ourselves, we are basically saying,
"NO! I'm not gonna make me do that!" and then we go and do something opposite that is going to get in the way of accomplishing the task.
I'm wondering, is it possible maybe that we self sabotagers are frustrated and oppressed people? Maybe we feel an overwhelming sense of oppression and have that feeling like the task ahead is too daunting and we become rebellious to even our SELVES? As a kind of passive-aggressive exertion. But this is the thing: It's kind of like a person with anorexia...this expression of control over ourselves...it is counter-productive, isn't it?
Who are we hurting? What are we saying to ourselves when we do this?
Are we saying, "WORLD, you can't hurt me. I'M gonna beat you to it. I don't HAVE to do it.(whatever we are trying to do) and kind of like children we sit on the path and are forcing ourselves to be late for school. We are maybe almost forcing ourselves to be "bad"--like we are not really in cotrol --as if we are not owning our power. As if we are not the masters of our own destiny because we maybe have this underlying sensation that nothing we do works so therefore, why even try? Like we are cursed--doomed by some pre- set pattern 'in the stars'...in the story of how things are gonna BE for us...that we don't stand a chance in hell of succeeding.
We know...don't we? LOGICALLY, that is not making any sense at all. We really are the masters of our own destiny and that saying, "You reap what you sow" really is , for a large part,...true.
I read a book once that really quite literally saved my life because, at the time as a teen, I was considering option B:The End...the permanent solution to the temporary problem. The book that I feel gave such useful insight was by Leo F. Buscaglia and is titled:"Living, Loving & Learning". It's not some schmaltzy condescending new age garbage book, it's not even about just love. It is about LIFE and is filled with wisdom and told by a man who knows what it is like to overcome great suffering. Much like Dr. Viktor Frankl but with a warm fuzziness to his writing that supersedes anything I have ever read in terms of true self-help books.
Go check it out at the Public Library. maybe you too will find it to be helping or even saving your life as it did mine.
Life could always be worse. At least we aren't living in North Korea. At least we have the benefit and gift of FREEDOM of CHOICE. Not everyone has this privilege. let's not squander away the opportunities Life offers us daily. Let's at least really really try hard and not beat ourselves up when we fall. Aim high. To each his reach.

I was just thinking...when we rebel against ourselves, we are basically saying,
"NO! I'm not gonna make me do that!" and then we go and do something opposite that is going to get in the way of accomplishing the task.
I'm wondering, is it possible maybe that we self sabotagers are frustrated and oppressed people? Maybe we feel an overwhelming sense of oppression and have that feeling like the task ahead is too daunting and we become rebellious to even our SELVES? As a kind of passive-aggressive exertion. But this is the thing: It's kind of like a person with anorexia...this expression of control over ourselves...it is counter-productive, isn't it?
Who are we hurting? What are we saying to ourselves when we do this?
Are we saying, "WORLD, you can't hurt me. I'M gonna beat you to it. I don't HAVE to do it.(whatever we are trying to do) and kind of like children we sit on the path and are forcing ourselves to be late for school. We are maybe almost forcing ourselves to be "bad"--like we are not really in cotrol --as if we are not owning our power. As if we are not the masters of our own destiny because we maybe have this underlying sensation that nothing we do works so therefore, why even try? Like we are cursed--doomed by some pre- set pattern 'in the stars'...in the story of how things are gonna BE for us...that we don't stand a chance in hell of succeeding.
We know...don't we? LOGICALLY, that is not making any sense at all. We really are the masters of our own destiny and that saying, "You reap what you sow" really is , for a large part,...true.
I read a book once that really quite literally saved my life because, at the time as a teen, I was considering option B:The End...the permanent solution to the temporary problem. The book that I feel gave such useful insight was by Leo F. Buscaglia and is titled:"Living, Loving & Learning". It's not some schmaltzy condescending new age garbage book, it's not even about just love. It is about LIFE and is filled with wisdom and told by a man who knows what it is like to overcome great suffering. Much like Dr. Viktor Frankl but with a warm fuzziness to his writing that supersedes anything I have ever read in terms of true self-help books.
Go check it out at the Public Library. maybe you too will find it to be helping or even saving your life as it did mine.
Life could always be worse. At least we aren't living in North Korea. At least we have the benefit and gift of FREEDOM of CHOICE. Not everyone has this privilege. let's not squander away the opportunities Life offers us daily. Let's at least really really try hard and not beat ourselves up when we fall. Aim high. To each his reach.

Fantastic topic for a public discussion. Thanks so much for initiating it and the contributors to this discussion forum. The title of my response is following the authors provocative title. I am a mental health professional for the best part of my life now. Self help is such a compulsive and attractive area. Who does not need it? Little wonder it is amongst the most searched for content online!
The message that you can help yourself is exhilarating and a wonder in itself. Imagine all you need is yourself to get out of the rut which you (mostly) have created for your self. This belief in your self is central to your wellbeing and potentially of those around you. Then what is the role of professionals? And where do these advisors fit in? This is a million dollar question. The answer is not so simple. But simply put it means that they give you a push a bit of levitation to set you free. They do what may be called an escape velocity in the physics to get you going on your own. There are some people at the extreme ends who are so impaired that they need some reality orientation to be given by trained people. But they can only go as long as THEY intend to go. They pay a lot of money but still they do not go anywhere beyond their intentions.
Hence read these entries and reread them but you must take the initiative to be free or seek help. YOU are responsible for your perpetual motion.
Hence Who Needs Advisors When you’ve Got Yourself?

I drank too much. Quit drinking over 15 years ago. Quit doing drugs. Quit abusing people I love verbally. Changed my whole attitude and outlook on life. Became a better, more concerned, and less selfish individual.

I still smoke cigarettes, although tomorrow begins another shot at quitting. I overeat. I've got health problems, including depression and arthritis. Stuff is still happening that I don't like and wish to change.

That being said---I know EXACTLY how hard it is to change from destructive habits to good ones. I know how hard it is to change, period. When I mention my weight, well-meaning but misguided people have suggested a wide range of things I can do to make it better, some of which are helpful. Most are not. For instance, one woman told me: "Just walk or exercise for thirty minutes a day." Okay, sure. Easy enough. Except that it isn't easy enough for me, or others like me. Not only do I have a brain that consistently tries to beat the crap out of me on a daily basis (despite the medication), but I have joints and muscles that are stiffening up and REALLY painful on any given day. On the good days, I can show up for work and be reasonably productive. On the bad days, when I have to hold onto walls and furniture to get to the bathroom, I am lucky to be able to stand up at work and be marginally productive. It may sound like whining, but it's just facts. This is what it is. So, in order for me to exercise or walk thirty minutes a day, there has to be some improvement in my body's ability to move. That requires medical help. When my insurance finally kicks in at work, I can begin doing what I can to make the movements easier.

Changing oneself is a long and painful process. It is rewarding. I do not regret giving up booze and drugs and the wild life I led. It is that wild life that has led, in part, to my current state of health. Mea culpa. I am my own worst enemy, indeed.

What about success? I want it, I have the brains for it but I seem to walk away from it right about the time I can reach out and touch it. I've changed careers, not jobs, careers thinking I would be better suited to this career field instead of the current one. I've read some articles that indicate it's a self-worth issue, is that the same thing? When I have gone to a counselor they want to spend a lions share of the time talking about my childhood. It was horrible but I've been an adult longer now than I was a child. Thoughts? Thank you.

I have been lucky enough to have had a pretty much pleasant early childhood, but for reasons still not clear to me, at the age of 9 I began having negative thoughts about my appearance.

As time went on I developed negative emotions about everything in my life and about the world. I fell in with a bad crowd began smoking heavily at age 11, drinking too much alcohol at age 14 and taking really harmful drugs like amphetamines and ketamine at age 18. I dropped out of college even though I was passing my exams. Had a series of abusive relationships which caused me a great deal of emotional pain. I worked in jobs I hated and just when I was starting to do well in my career suffered a total mental breakdown from which I have still not recovered.

I have now been diagnosed with a mental health disorder and every time I try to do something to improve my life I am plagued with deeply unpleasant thoughts that I have been a victim of incest and child abuse which I know are untrue. I have totally lost control of my mind and am in the process of making myself homeless as a result.

I have a therapist but am unable to be truthful with them so I'm not getting the help I need. All I do is watch news channels showing people suffering and chastising myself for not doing anything to help them. I sleep long hours, eat bad food, do no exercise and smoke heavily (I'm now too poor to afford drugs else I'd be doing that as well). I have lost all hope and know suicide is just round the corner, I've tried twice before and failed.

I don't know why I do it to myself. I have alienated my parents and siblings who have always given me support regardless of my self-destructive behavior. What to do now I don't know, but I'm hoping speaking out here will help me. It helps to know I'm not the only one experiencing self sabotage and that it can be treated. There is hope, so I'll just keep trying.

This is a very interesting subject and I came to this page as I felt it was something familiar to me. The comments above are very interesting too, some are very touching and my heart goes out to those of you who are feeling down. I am currntly suffering from depression, and have recently had other stressors to deal with. I find myself thinking that there is no hope for the future and hurt myself psychologically. By making a conscious effort (not too harshly but reassuringly) I gently push myself forward. I know talking to oneself is deemed slightly mad but done in my mind or at a low whisper I kind of connect to the "other me" that has somehow been temporarily lost due to the stress, and I am able to encourage myself to try a task or challenge and congratulate myself on rising to it. If I fail I quickly reassure myself that it doesn't matter and I can try again later. I think depression is a defense mechanism that kicks in to protect the ego and at some point some other mechanism becomes available (the self perhaps)and despite making me feel like I am on autopilot it helps me, it's a bit like the "imaginary friend" we have as a child. It is like an instinctual something that takes over. I am able to respond to challenges by telling myself to try and then take timeout to assess how well it went. Something that seems uncomfortable is seen in a new light and I respond by saying it wasn't too bad. In situations where this self sabotaging raises it's ugly head I picture my confident pre-morbid self either doing the task or relaxing after the task and see "her" satisfied reaction (say sitting in a chair smiling and feeling OK )and am cheered on by this. It may seem crazy, but if it works and does no harm to myself or others then I think it is a helpful technique. I wish you all well.