How to Support a Friend Who Is Recovering from Incest

As I write this blog, Hurricane Irene threatens to wreak disaster upon the Eastern seaboard, and many of my relatives and friends are making decisions about how best to respond to warnings. Like thousands of others, my husband and I watched the evening news tonight with a nervous awe, and hope that Irene will weaken her intensity. "Plan for the worst and hope for the best," instructed New York's Mayor Bloomberg. "Get the hell out of Asbury Park," said New Jersey's Governor Christie. "It's four-thirty, and you've maximized your tan for the day." Having grown up in Brooklyn and vacationed on the Jersey Shore as a child, I've got to say that I love his blunt, cut-to-the-chase sense of humor. He definitely got his point across.

But there's nothing funny about incest. And incest recovery can be as frightening as this violent storm. Repressed memories emerge without warning; scary sensations can sweep a survivor into an ocean of emotional turmoil; psychological barricades s/he'd erected can be ripped off, and as a result s/he's left with the chilling awareness that life will never be the same. There is no Category 1, Category 2, Category 3, 4, or 5. The incest survivor's category becomes Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), whether the people in her or his life understand what that is or not.

A woman I met this week, whose friend has been experiencing unrelenting flashbacks of traumatic abuse and has recently gotten into treatment for incest recovery, asked me how she could best support her friend during this time. I suggested that she educate herself a bit about PTSD, and about the process of incest recovery. There are books, a few of which I will list at the end of the blog, and there are websites that can be accessed by merely clicking the links which are at the end of this blog as well. Beyond that I suggested the following, based on how my friends supported me during my own recovery, and various articles I've read over the last few years:
• Listen. Be there.
• Don't be judgmental.
• Be patient; it takes time to recover.
• Check in with your friend every now and then and just ask how s/he's doing.
• Help empower your friend. Incest strips away power.
• Offer a gentle but genuine reality check. Remind your friend that s/he has survived the abuse. It is over. And though the feelings s/he is experiencing in the present are hard to bear, s/he will work through them.
• Don't pressure your friend to do things s/he isn't yet ready or able to do.
• Assure your friend that this doesn't change how you feel about her or him.
• Reassure her or him that you are there if s/he needs you.
• Offer to do something light and playful with her or him, i.e., go to a movie, go for a walk, play a game, gather with a group of friends, eat a meal together.
• Be sure to ask if there's anything you can do to help.
"What do you need from me now?" is a good place to start.

ABC's newscast tonight included a story about Staten Island University Hospital's staff evacuating their high-risk patients. "It's devastating to see the fear on their faces," said one nurse, as the reporter discussed the issues involved for medical personnel responsible to protect the lives of the most vulnerable.

If your friend is recovering from incest s/he is vulnerable, too. Sensitive, emotionally reactive. You will witness fear on your friend's face; you will hear anxiety or depression in your friend's voice. You will want to protect your friend from further wounding. Trust the process. Encourage your friend to be in therapy, and trust the value of your friendship.

At the conclusion of tonite's newscast, Diane Sawyer told us that all of the patients had been transferred successfully. Relationships of responsible, compassionate caring have the power to facilitate healing. Your friendship does, too.

Books:

Blume, SueE. Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and its Aftereffects in Women, New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1990.

Maltz, Wendy. Secret Survivors: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, New York: HarperCollins, 1991.

Mather, C., Wood, J., Gil, E., Debye, K., How Long Does it Hurt? A Guide to Recovering from Incest and Sexual Abuse. New York: Jossey-Bass, 2004.

Websites:

www.sandf.org (Survivors and Friends)

www.rainn.org (Rape and Incest National Network)

www.giftfromwithin.org (Website about PTSD)

www.havoca.org (Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse)