Do you know someone who suffers from the effects of
child abuse? Do you understand that a malignant web of family dynamics feed the intergenerational transmission of child abuse? The National Coalition Against
Domestic Violence reports that 85% of victims are women, and the cost of intimate partner abuse is over $5.8 billion/year with $4.1 billion of that spent on direct medical and mental health services. 30%-60% of perpetrators of partner violence also abuse children, and boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and kids. In fact, witnessing violence between one’s
parents or caregivers is the strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.
This has got to stop, and healing the wounds of the adult survivors is an important means toward that end.
Child abuse survivors are often so paralyzed by fear, shame, and even feelings of guilt however, that they may find it extremely difficult to crawl out of the pit of their own ruminations and make that first phone call for an appointment with a therapist. Your encouragement may help, because, as popular author Anne Lamott has articulated with wisdom and humor, “you can’t cure your own sick mind with your own sick mind.”
A central difficulty for any abuse survivor is that of trust. Having been deeply wounded in relationships as a child, and perhaps as an adult as well, the survivor can feel a tremendous amount of anxiety at the thought of entering another (the therapist-client relationship), but a competent therapist can provide a sense of sanctuary within her office and within the relationship. Over time, as a therapeutic alliance is developed, the survivor learns to trust that she will be respected and heard accurately and with empathy, as she and her therapist unpack and work through her psychic wounds. How long will it take? This process has it’s own timing. To quote a line from the Stephen Sondheim song, Into the Woods, from the Broadway show of the same name, “What is, is; what isn’t isn’t. The only way through it is to go through it, and it takes as long as it takes.”
There’s quite a lot of research now about what kinds of therapy work for what problems and ultimately, the person of the therapist has been found to be an important predictor of success. In an article entitled The Rise and Fall of Pax Medica,(Psychotherapy Networker, Jan/Feb, 2010) John Arden and Lloyd Linford point out that we know from neuroscience and attachment research that interpersonal relationships profoundly affect the physical structures and processes of the brain. Therapy works primarily as a nervous-system-to-nervous-system regulator (like mother to child; mate to mate; friend to friend) that helps clients ramp down their brain’s arousal levels and reactivity, as well as activate their neural capacity for regulating their own emotions. Psychotherapy also strengthens the activity of the prefrontal cortex so that it will not be so easily invaded by traumatic memories, and it enables an expanded capacity for emotional intimacy. Recent brain science informs us that the human brain, in concert with other human brains, is constantly in the process of self-renewal and self-regulation.
Once a person has decided to seek therapy, how does one find a competent therapist? Sheri Oz and Sarah-Jane Ogiers have written a wonderful book entitled Overcoming Childhood Sexual Trauma: A Guide to Breaking Through the Wall of Fear for Practitioners and Survivors, and in it there’s a section on choosing a therapist, from the perspectives of both the survivor and the therapist, which I think is applicable for anyone, not just sexual abuse survivors. My own opinion is that the best way to find a therapist is through the recommendation of someone you trust – a friend, colleague, your doctor, or perhaps clergy. Psychology Today has a directory of therapists on our website, http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/ and therapists can also be found through the various mental health professional organizations, as for instance the one I’m affiliated with: the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, www.therapistlocator.net.
My sense is that a person can tell within the first several sessions whether or not she's found the right therapist for her. If so, a powerful healing journey will have begun, through which over time and with honest work, she can break the chain of intergenerational transmission of abuse in her family and spread kindness, respect, wisdom, and love instead.
* Note: My intent in using female pronouns was only for ease of flow in the writing and reading of this blog and in no way is meant to exclude males. Please change to male in your reading where that application is important to you.
