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Online dating sites are not really dating sites, they are meeting sites. They provide an online destination for a technologically-mediated simulation of something people have always done: meet and flirt. You post some attractive pictures—who cares they're a few years old by now—, answer a few survey questions, signal likes and dislikes, and craft a profile that reveals something of who you are, as well as something of who you want others to think you are. Next thing you know you connect or are matched with someone whose online info elicits a little spark; it gives you a little dopamine squirt. Or maybe you are just bored so responding to this apparently innocuous loser is better than watching Dancing with the Stars and you're then surprised when they turn out to be kind of interesting. Either way, you start exchanging some email or some IMs and, well, you start enjoying connecting with this person. Sooner or later someone suggests a phone call or a coffee or a drink and then the actual flirtation begins, sometimes to good effect, many times not.

Online dating is popular. 40% of singles, with the number growing, use online dating sites. A 2007 survey reported 1 in 7 Americans knew a relatively stable couple who had met online. At least in urban centers it is now the norm. In fact, when someone in my practice is single and they don't at least try a site or two I begin to think they may be expressing some ambivalence, unaddressed sexual conflicts, fractured self-esteem, fears of change, or other intimacy issues. For example, a recently divorced man still unsure he had what it takes to go back to dating and harboring tremendous guilt over wanting to meet someone "really, really hot" tells me online dating feels "wrong, kind of unnatural." But after we work through some of his fears he reports "you know, match.com is not so bad."

While some sites make ridiculous claims that online interactions build better foundations for healthy relationships, at some point if a relationship is to develop beyond simulated flirtation it has to morph into the messy, flesh-bound traditional actuality of two people risking the intricate choreography of mutually embodied flirtation, seduction, and spending time together. Even though the experience sites offer is not fully all they advertise, online dating sites are potentially convenient online meeting sites that put people into contact who would otherwise not have met so they can simulate flirting as prelude to actual flirting.

Understanding—and even helping people use—online dating sites requires us to remember that people are complicated and conflicted. They are not just rational actors shopping for relationships. In fact, if people only used online dating sites as the monogamy markets they are often marketed to be, those sites would soon go out of business. A dating site could not survive being efficient at pairing people because they would then go off and trip the light fantastic never to return to the site. They'd be like a restaurant efficiently serving such nutritious meals that once having eaten there you would never have to eat anywhere ever again.

Instead, these sites are really good at harnessing (exploiting?) our psychology by giving some of what they promise—but not too much!—while simultaneously capitalizing on the psychological reality that people are doing much more at online dating sites than just efficiently and rationally trying to meet the perfect mate. Complex circuits of desire and opportunity are being created between what is on the screen and what is in the experience and fantasies of the person at the keyboard. For the remainder of my time I want to talk about four kinds of circuits I've been noticing, four ways dating sites harness human psychology for their purposes.

Optimizing for optimizers

Dating sites have a clear favorite in the battle of "only the best will do" vs "letting good enough be good enough." Whether it's how sexy someone is or how much money they make, lots of people climb on the treadmill of always wanting someone better so they can then run after someone who's better than better. And the sites are designed for this; they are designed for those called maximizers or optimizers by behavioral economists rather than the satisficers. Dating sites are not designed to help you close the deal. They're set up to keep you coming back for more no matter how much you may already have.

Here's one short clinical story: His route to NYC started as the only child of a moderately depressed single-mother in a small college town followed by a good education at his home town school and then a high-value graduate degree. Now in his late-20s he's in NY with a serious job, some money, and profiles on several dating sites. Engaging and smart, he came to therapy to untie the apron strings. On the one hand, he felt he owed his mother all the success she worked to enable ("she wants me to be happy"), but on the other felt tremendous guilt at how the resulting independence hurt her and made her lonely. His solution was to make sure his independent strivings rested firmly on a platform of always seeking excellence. That way he experienced his desires as coming from the outside, not from him; "sorry Mom, can't come home (or talk), gotta deadline" or a date with a totally amazing, wonderful woman—who can argue with excellence! Consequently, he never felt fully at home and settled in his own experience; he had no choice but to always be looking beyond the present moment for something better.

In his dating life he was enthralled by all the choices at online sites: "so many women, so little time." Once he began enjoying someone he met, once she became someone he actually wanted to see, his guilt would kick-in. Images of his mother would come to mind especially during moments of tender engagement or, even more disturbing for him, she would cross his mind during sex; he once described a moment during an initial sexual encounter with someone when he rested his head in the nest of hair where neck meets shoulder only to encounter a fresh smell that reminded him of his mother's linen closet. He loved that smell. But during sex, yikes! Though he liked this woman, once she shared mind-space with images of his mothers there was far too much guilt to be tolerable. He soon ended things with her.

But not to worry, he could always look online for someone better. And because of how the sites exploit psychology, he always would find someone better. Fantasy does not come with electronic disclaimers and simulated flirtation never includes the downside risks of complex, embodied actual other people. There was no need to fight for good-enough; he could always look for someone better from the solitary comfort of his own apartment. And looking for someone better did not make him feel guilty; after all, he was just seeking excellence.

It should be noted that while the frequency and longevity of this man's use made him an ideal repeat customer on dating sites, he was also the poster boy for the oft-voiced complaint, especially but not exclusively among women, "you meet a lot of jerks online."

His story translates into the first of four warnings for online daters: be careful out there, some people are not looking for you, they are looking for someone better than you.

Providing a safety valve for ambivalence