Out of the Darkness

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

If one is abused, that statement is false. Years of verbal abuse/conditioning. How can a person NOT feel what they DO feel?!

Also, in childhood.....one doesn't have the skills/tools to NOT feel inferior when a parent is abusing them.

We cannot help feeling what we do feel; but we CAN decide on how to react.

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

If one is abused, that statement is false. Years of verbal abuse/conditioning. How can a person NOT feel what they DO feel?!

Also, in childhood.....one doesn't have the skills/tools to NOT feel inferior when a parent is abusing them.

We cannot help feeling what we do feel; but we CAN decide on how to react.

I agree that children do not have these tools, but as adults we can acquire them - and I think you've hit on the important point yourself, that it's about how we respond to these experiences. We may not be able to avoid the experiences, but we do have some power over our response. I think this is what Roosevelt was referring to.

all the best

Steve

Before everyone starts taking deep breaths and meditating due to a perceived slight think about motivations, theirs and yours.

The reason people slight, insult and rage is because it works. People know that if they make someone else feel bad they can get a reaction, cause people to back off and leave. There is a pay-off so people use it.

The author suggests growing a thicker skin. I sort of agree with that but I'd rather see people take a deeper approach. One must examine what they are doing and why? Let's take Jane and the party, as she was paid to create that wonderful party. The party was a success. Did she really need for the boss to publicly thank her?

Jane could have rethought her hurt feelings and started to revel in how she could add party-planning to her resume. She could have sent an email the next day to all the party goers thanking them for making the party a huge success, reinforcing the idea in everyone's mind that the party was her effort. She could have told the boss the next day that the next time he makes a speech at a party she organized he better thank her for her efforts. She didn't necessarily have to grow a thicker skin.

I get insulted slighted and hurled insults at me on a daily basis. I don't care because I am keeping my eye on the ball. I specific objective in mind and that objective is highly quantifiable. I keep my eye on a number, a specific number and that is all I care about. The more I ignore the rage, the angrier the ragers get. Sometimes you can't worry about how angry manipulators feel. I'm not sure that is growing thicker skin but tuning out the lunatics.

Just another thought. I overcame (and thrived) from a childhood of verbal abuse (among other horrific kinds of abuse), and then a 31 year "marriage" of verbal (some physical abuse).

It isn't possible for me to "grow a thicker skin"---my personality is that of a highly sensitive personality. We need to all be sensitive (unfortunately, I have found...most people are not)....how sad to think we have to "grow thicker skin" "toughen up"---etc......Just think, if everyone were sensitive; there would be NO abuse in the world.

As the moderator of an abused survivors' group I deal with adults who were treated with nO sensitivity (some parents think if they are harsh with their children that it helps them to toughen up), such sad, sad thought processes..

As I stated before, we cannot help how we feel, but we can decide on how to respond (in the case of abuse, NO response is the best response). I have written a paper, Society's Hidden "Pandemic" Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault.

The statistics are staggering : 1 in 3 women on the planet living behind closed doors in silence, fear and shame: that is over 52 million women in the U.S. alone.

I have been working like a "Trojan" to be able to speak out on this subject for over 10 years, and have a film maker, who is interested in doing a documentary on verbal abuse. I will never stop working on that, as I feel driven to make a difference.

www.soulpoetry.org is my site for my book, Sanctuary of the Soul (poems of anguish, healing, hope, comfort and celebration).

I am humbled and amazed at my endorsements: Elie Wiesel, Wayne Dyer, Nikki Giovanni, Drs. Alice Miller, Larry Dossey (14 in all).

Our feelings are all we have to go by (with what is happening internally). Grow a thicker skin? I think not. Learn how to respond to hurts? Yes....good boundaries. Self-awareness.

I am a freshman at age 65, because I wrote about my life and won a scholarship. I shall never stop trying to make a difference.

Kind Regards, Alice

P.S. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; I believe it should be required reading for everyone on our planet; without knowledge the cycle of violence will continue.

Thanks Alice

I admire your fortitude in bringing attention to the issue of abuse - I agree it's unbelievably prevalent, particularly towards women. I will take a look at your poetry (I write poems too.) However, I think we're crossing wires a little over the meaning of 'thicker skin' in this context. It doesn't mean become less sensitive to the world, to issues that need resolving, or in our relationships with other people - heaven forbid! In this context, it simply means being less sensitive to perceived criticism, and less easy to take offence - the ego's over-sensitivity, not the sensitivity that comes from openness and empathy and connection.

All the best in your efforts to make the world a better place!