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What should you be looking for when you're dating online? Chemistry and compatibility will get you going, but the secret to staying to together is how you communicate and fight.
Dating sites don’t address that core issue, as far as I know. I’ve never seen questions like:
“When you’re angry at your partner, might you take a break and stop talking or seeing each other for
a) a day to two days
b) up to two weeks or a month
c) no more than an hour
d) I’m gone forever. Some things you can’t talk out.
(Stonewalling--cutting off the conversation--is one of the predictors of divorce. The best answers here are a and c).
Here's another one:
"In a fight, is it okay to
a) Curse and insult; speak contemptuously; roll your eyes
b) Slam doors and throw things
c) Use psychology jargon to assess the other’s issues
d) Repeat unflattering comments from your friends, mother, and other observers
e) None of the above.
(A huge blowout might not be fatal. Contempt is. If c and d strike you as disrespectful, steer clear of someone who thinks they're okay.)
Chris Portman, a psychologist in Bellingham, Washington who works with couples, says “We used to give people a compatibility scale and say you’ll never make it because you two are too different in important areas like religion, politics and sex. Then the real research came out.” It turned out that with respectful listening all kinds of conflicts could be resolved. Marriages fell apart because one or both partners was contemptuous in arguments or refused to talk things out.“Accommodation is the word. If we want this to work and we want to get back to having fun, accommodation comes in every day,” says Portman.
If you’re serious about finding lasting love online, my take is to limit yourself to people with acceptable photos who match you on a short list of traits you deem necessary to compatibility. And then, as soon as possible if you’re dating, try to suss out the answers to the fighting question.
If he’s still furious with his ex, that’s boring, but an opportunity to learn what that household looked like in a conflict. And, just as important, figure out if you’re a good communicator and fair fighter. If you're not, you might fall in love and screw things up. Head that off at the pass.
For tips, the John Gottman classic Why Marriages Succeed and Fail still works.
