One True Thing

Life's questions, big and small

Long-lasting Love: It's Not About Sex

Advice from couples who have celebrated golden anniversary.

My husband and I have now been a couple for longer than we have been separate entities. I wouldn’t say that we’ve always been “in love,” during the 30 years we’ve been together, but we have always loved each other. We have always been kind to each other. We have always, above all else, been friends.

Marriage is good for your health, according to a recent study by the Duke University Medical Center. Research drawn from more than 4,800 participants born during the 1940s found that those who had never married were twice as likely to die in midlife as people who had a long-term partner. But what does it take to sustain a strong, long-lasting marriage, even after the kids are grown and gone?

Family Comes First

"Everything in our marriage has always revolved around family and togetherness," says Herman Solomon, 102, of his 80-year union with wife Bertie. The couple worked together at a family business, and has planned all of their holidays and vacations around their children, grandchildren — and now, great grandchildren.

Sharing experiences does strengthens a marriage and a family, according to Tina B.

Tessina, PhD, author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. “Filling up the well of goodwill is what we draw on in the tough times,” she explains. To cope with a job that required frequent moves around the country, John Merrill, married to wife Bev for 62 years, says his family made a conscious effort to find home and comfort in each other. “Everybody pulled together and got closer, because we needed to," he recalls.

According to Tessina, discipline can be point of contention, adding stress to marriage. Sidney and Dorothy Wasson, married for 75 years, have always tried to present a united front to their three children. “We always seemed to agree when it comes to discipline, which has helped to avoid arguments between us,” says Sidney.”

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

It’s not necessarily quantity but quality that counts most when it comes to communication. Lois Hjelmstand’s husband worked the night shift for 25 years, but they always made time to connect “We’d grab a half hour here and there when we could,” recalls Lois, married to husband Les for 65 years. “We’d sit in our chairs in the bedroom and put our feet in the other’s lap before he went to bed. The kids knew this was our quiet time.”

Every couple has a communication pattern — whether conscious or not. “Look at how you greet your mate when they come home,” suggests couples mediator Laurie Puhn, author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In. “Do you ask how their day was or whether they remembered to pick up the dry cleaning? These little comments add up—one way or another."

Sometimes, it’s not just what you say but how you say it. Bob Bloch has been writing poetry to wife Janice for 65 years. “My straw man says the things that I want to express but can’t,” he admits. “Sometimes I’ll smooth over a disagreement with a poem, or I’ll just tell my wife how much I love her.”

Meet in the Middle

Nina Rieselbach says that she and husband Richard, married for 56 years, constantly compromise over everything from what to eat for dinner to how much time they spend together. “The more you practice negotiation skills, the easier it will be to use them when making difficult decisions,” explains Puhn, who says it’s important to make sure nobody wins or loses. Whenever possible, try to find middle ground.

“Just remember that you're not always right, and give in a little,” advises Maxine Griffith, age 94, married to husband Pershing for 70 years.

Providing children with good role models for communication is key to developing the trust that keeps a family strong, says Puhn. David and Audrey Knotts, married for 70 years, can testify to this. “Our three kids have always known that they can come to us with anything,” recalls David. “I think that’s partly because they grew up seeing us talking, working things out."

Maintain a Strong Partnership

According to Tessina, the most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership. That entails respect, trust, and intimacy. “There’s an art to making your partner feel understood and accepted,” she explains. “Gentle touch, eye contact, a sense of humor and the right words all create the right atmosphere.”

Louis Hjelmstand’s top priority has always been nurturing that intimacy, which she admits can be hard work. “There are times when we’ve lost our desire for each other, but we just make a date and make it happen,” she says. “We’ve been together for so long that we know how to rekindle the flame.”

The bottom line, according to Ruth Palitz, is enjoying each other in bad and good times and, through it all, be kind to each other. “My husband Lou and I have always trusted each other,” she says. “We’ve looked out for each other for 70 years.” And, they’re still going strong.

 

Jennifer Haupt contributes stories and book reviews to a wide variety of magazines. Haupt’s new e-book Will you be my Mother? The quest to answer yes, includes three stories from her journey to love better and connect more deeply with her children, her mother, and the world. Author profits from this mini-memoir through May 2014 will be donated to mothers2mothers, which trains, employs, and empowers mothers living with HIV/AIDS in Africa. For more information about Jennifer, visit her website or Facebook page. 

 

Jennifer Haupt is a writer based in Seattle, Washington. She has written for O, The Oprah Magazine, Readers Digest, and The Christian Science Monitor.

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