As I read, The Wrong Way-and the Right Way-to Think about Long-Term Commitment and Marriage, I was torn. The idea of there being a "right" and/or "wrong" way to love struck me like a dissonant chord. I think being able to love in a healthy and unconditional way is so much more complicated than either/or and right/wrong. Despite that, I felt myself really wanting to agree. It all sounded so good - sensible, idyllic, desirable.
Personally speaking, I do not know, and have not known, anyone who does not say that he wants "someone." I emphasize the word "say" because, despite the many proclamations, behavior often indicates otherwise. For whatever reason, people may say they want it, but their actions simply do not back it up. How many people have we seen who are unable to get it together when it comes to managing a successful relationship? Or, who sabotage the very thing they say they've been looking for most? Yet, despite their behavior, they still complain that they can't find "someone to love." The truth is, maybe they can't. Or, perhaps the "someone" for whom she is looking is inside herself. The trouble is that our current relationship paradigm does not allow for the former as a possibility, nor does it make the latter a priority. So, yes, on that I agree with Mark. There a lot of other "excuses" getting thrown into the mix, but I think they are often in lieu of a much deeper story.
First off, to want to be with someone out of sheer desire, because she has such a profound (and positive) effect on you that you want her exactly the way she is, and who satisfies you so completely that you don't want to be anywhere else with anyone else - ever - is rare. Like talent, health, success, wealth, sexuality, family, beauty, etc... a perfect pairing is a gift. We all get what we get, but few (if any) of us get it all.
Then, there is the whole issue of readiness, which is real. It happens. Whether it is being blamed on life's events or not is immaterial. Emotional maturity, or the lack thereof, is a profound obstacle in relationships, regardless of where one is in life, career or financial status. Many folks do not know themselves well enough to know what they want in the first place, let alone are they able to figure out how to extend that to another person. Like it or not, that takes time. Consequently, if someone doesn't know himself well enough to understand what he wants, any "shared life experience" worth its salt is unlikely.
The bottom line is that there is no way to know why someone is putting off long-term commitment. It's personal. But space for an instinctive need to grow, even if it is independent of another person, cannot be underestimated and should be honored as necessary to each individual's own process. Again, this takes time, plus a lot of opportunity and willingness to develop the kind of skills needed to enjoy a loving, open and giving exchange with someone. In other words, you can't give yourself to someone freely unless you know what - and who - you are giving. Forcing it shortchanges everyone.
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Donna Flagg is the author of Surviving Dreaded Conversations.
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How to handle difficult people.
