You cannot hate your mother and love yourself. Read More
wow! thanks for this
I am glad you appreciated it.
Surprised by beauty.
Although, I am not sure I know what it means.
Oh sure, there's this woman who gave birth to me, and "raised" me, and who called me "Darling" and other niceties - but she was NEVER a mother. She had two kids, but I don't think she's ever seen either of us as a human being, much less a person. We're nothing more than pets to be trained, actors to be given a script to, objects to be used.
My sister and I hate what she did to us (she deliberately and literally drove my sister crazy, for starters), and sometimes we hate her too. But most of the time, we just see that there's simply nothing in that black hole which is her soul, not even anything to hate. We can't hate the vaccuum; we can only grieve for what should have been there. That's what Mothers' Day is for people like us: the day we grieve for what we needed so badly yet never had.
All that said, kudos to you for holding onto the good your mother gave you, and letting go of the bad! This was a beautiful love and forgiveness letter to your mother. Thank you for sharing.
I hope that you can get to this place.... it has been a LONG time coming. Fortuitously, now that I am here... it will be an even longer time gone. I feel so much happier now that I have been able to forgive and move on..,. but its a process and I do not think we consciously control it. I think there are sub cortical elements to it.
I needed this today. My mother is a POS who is no longer a part of my life, by my choice. She brutalized me in every way but physical, and even then she turned a blind eye when that *did* happen. I hate her. I love her. I forgive her. I will never forgive her. She has hurt me and my brother and sisters beyond repair. I'm 36 years old with mommy issues and my (new) husband has to deal with that every day. I'm so thankful that he's supportive, and has a mom who is willing to filling the mom shoes. But some things cannot ever be erased. I hope I can get to where you are someday.
And for what is worth... I was NO where near here when I was your age. In the Universe's time, not ours. I guess, my advice to you would be, love what you have, even if that is anger and resentment, more than what you do not. And STAY in the present, the past and the future are only valid when they are the present. Namaste
Thank you for sharing this. You are an amazing person.
What a kind thing to say. Take care.
You are an amazing person, and I hope you find all the happiness in the world and more.
Thank you! What a WONDERFUL comment to wake up to!
Not only is this excellent writing, but evidence of the most unconditional love and solid sense of self I've seen. We waste so much time feeling aggrieved at small slights, and you go on loving after mistreatment, with a sense of humor. Move over, David Sedaris.
Thank you so much.
all of your articles are wonderful but this one was so heart wrenching and tragic! I had the misfortune of having BOTH parents who were sociopaths so my childhood was fraught with peril. I wish I could say I got over it but I never did and have many addictions. I am proud to say I conquered them all but bulimia has stayed with me my whole life and I am in my 40's. thanks so much for this honest and touching article. It makes me want to finally go into therapy!
thanks so much!
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Billi Gordon, Ph.D., is Co-Investigator in the Ingestive Behaviors & Obesity Program, Center for the Neurobiology of Stress, David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA.
It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.