President Obama says, "yes we can,"; 20 million sexless American marriages say, "no we don't," which may be a very positive sign for human evolution. Read More
Thank you, Dr. Gordon, for a refreshing, non-judgmental approach to this issue! I have to say, it's a little intimidating to read articles about why couples should be able to have sex into their eighties--yikes! My partner and I have a great time together and are just thrilled to be active, healthy, and ready for the next adventure.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I agree. There are far too many people saying what other people should be doing. I've been married 26 years and there are so many things that are much more important, like where are my keys... LOL. Seriously, life changes, like the shoreline of the sea, why should sex in relationships remain static.
I agree both with the article and the comment. My experience is 58 years of marriage.. The article is spot on for sure. I think the type of people who must fix everything are part of the problem unless of course they make money trying and then they are entrepreneurs.. I think that we need more maturity in our press and our understanding of nature and marriage.
I appreciate your comment. It has been very telling how confirmation bias extends to reading in heated issues for people. It is also very sad hat people do not understand that the sanctity of marriage and the bonds that tie for life are not carnal. It is no wonder we have such a hight divorce rate. Nasmaste.
Although I appreciate the crux of this article, I am a bit taken aback by one of the remarks that you made very early on. The comment above says, thanks for the non-judgmental approach. However, you made a comment that was quite judgmental and very generalizing. Here's a quote from the article: "Most people say they stop having sex because of spousal weight gain, physical, psychological or emotional handicaps, children, work, porn, stress, unemployment, depression, power struggles, menopause, infidelity, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness. Although Republicans blame Obama, Gay Marriage, Affordable Health Care, Women’s Rights, and the Muslims."
That very last sentence there is quite a bigoted statement to make. For someone with a Ph.D., you would think that all that education would have taught you to have a little more tact or even "political correctness" when approaching a broad variety of people. Its as if you did not even consider your audience. Why would something like that even need to be said in a forum such as this? It might be what YOU think, but it is not at all a fact, and I am quite certain I am not the only "reader" who feels this way. Shame on you. Someone with your education should know better.
Like I said before, although I can appreciate your take on the "sexless marriage", you may want to consider your verbiage before submitting an article where you are trying to make an impact on society. People with close minded views such as that only bring more hate into this already very hateful world.
What did Shakespeare say, "me thinks the lady doth protest too much." It was obviously a joke, and while not all jokes work for everybody, the decibel of your reaction seems "curious."
On another note, being a gay, black, radical feminist with a Ph.D. in neuroscience is precisely why I would make such a joke (that and years as TV writer prior to getting a Ph.D. in neuroscience)--better to laugh than cry--more neurochemical rewards in the laughter. As for "I should be ashamed". It would be more shameful for me to abandon the wisdom of my cultural journey and my sense of self, for the sake of being politically correct or conform to some dominant culture notion of what a Ph.D. should or should not be. One's credentials extend beyond the letters behind one's name, or at least they should. Please do not ask me to insult God by being something other than who I am for your emotional and political convenience. While I do not mind being held to a higher standard, I take serious umbrage in being held to a lower one.
Finally, each blog has the flavor of the blogger, and while politically correct is not in my spice rack, humanness is, so I regret that you found my joke more disturbing than funny that was not my intention. I am pleased you could appreciate the rest of the post. Again, thank you for voicing your concern. Communication is how we reach higher ground. Namaste.
This is one of the most ridiculous responses I have ever read. I am a very conservative Republican, and that line about Republicans blaming it on Obama, Gay Marriage etc. is hysterical. I laughed out loud for 5 minutes. The reason it is so funny is because of the sub optimal and disingenuous behavior of Republican congressional leaders. That is what you are upset about, he nailed it. You should be ashamed for trying to blame him for exposing your insecurities. This kid is brilliant, and an extraordinary writer, and one of the few reasons to visit this website at all. While I do not agree with his politics, in any shape or fashion, you're the ignorant one here, not him. This Tea-Party mentality is embarrassing. Be a real Republican, go make some money and forget about it. Good job Dr. Gordon. It is very obvious that you are a Michigan man, through and through. Hail!
It is nice to be understood and appreciated. Kid? Doll, the last time I was kid, Baskin Robbins only had 2 flavors. From your response, and the fact that you are secure enough not to try and impose your opinion on me. I am guessing that you too, are a Michigan man, and I'm thinking you probably did not live in East Quad.... LOL. Hail to you too bro!
While you decide to hide behind your virtual walls, I'll come out and truly speak. It's not bigoted, it's the truth. Turn Fox news, Rush Limbaugh, or hell even Jon Stewart who calls republicans out! At least they come out front and center, face & name showing. Nothing he said wasn't PC...and if you don't feel this way? Then I encourage you to go on the websites of Fox news or Rush Limbaugh and call them out for their "un-PCness." I'm placing bets you've never done that before, and you probably won't because a blog is a smaller atmosphere where YOU can feel good about "shaming" someone and hide. Sounds like CyberBullying to me!
May I also remind you that this is a blog, by choice and preference do you come here to read this information, and while you are free to comment, I ENCOURAGE YOU to step back and notice the brilliant mind of this century you are dealing with. Dr. Gordon has analyzed and is well aware of his audience...from celebrities to "anonymities" like you. The difference is again, he doesn't hide he comes out speaking from his truthful perspective. Like you mentioned coming from his high level of education, success, and life experience why should he take advice from the likes of "you" whoever "you" are?? So SHAME on YOU FOR CYBER BULLYING, shame on you for disrespecting another man's hard work and HIDING, and SHAME ON YOU for not finding even the least bit humor.
By the way since you were a month late to the party, it seems you are the only one offended, because people who read Dr. Gordon's work know his style, and you are the only person that has mentioned your being offended. So please spare us of any "friends" or "other emails" you decide to come back and comment without anonymity to have support your cause, they are now null and void...you lost your opportunity of genuine believability.
Thank you very much for standing up for me, freedom of speech and the truth. You go girl. You are awesome! awesome! awesome!
Ignorant Approach... really? First if you knew anything about Billi Gordon Ph.D. or have read ANY of the other blogs you would know that he uses outrageous humor. It was a joke!!! the reason its hysterical is because of inane stances that republicans take.... on things... and their overreaction to this joke is a typical example of that... screw PC! I'll take tactless any day over the same old dry article that Psychology Today churns out.
I have no education to speak of so, I can say this generalization, go edit your own blog on Psychology Today... oh wait you don't have one! Probably because you are a dried up old nag suffering from Marital Bed Death trolling the internet for things to get "butt hurt" over (google it). Loosen up honey and laugh at yourself 'cause we are all laughing at your typical overreaction to a joke!
While you are at it google Billi Gordon and learn where this brilliant humorous viewpoint comes from.
Bed Death Sufferer Since 2001
While it is very nice to be appreciated.... there is no need to name call. I am very honored that you appreciate me. Thank you for being gracious enough to take the time and voice your opinion on my behalf. One world, one people. Namaste.
I think there is a link between rising obesity rates and rising sexless marriage rates. Australia and the US are quite different in many ways but the share sedentary life styles and huge helpings in common. Otherwise I'd say US and Oz women are big pill users for contraception which is making them not fancy their husbands.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your insight. I would agree with you that there probably is a correlation between obesity and sexless marriage. However, I would not just limit it to the increases in BMI in women, but in men as well. I do not think that Australia or the US is any more sedentary than Canada or England. Nor am I certain that there is a connection between birth control pills and decreased sexual desire, but you could be right, I just have never heard of it, and am too lazy to Google it right now... LOL. Thanks again for your comment. Take care.
I don't believe that obesity has a lot do with it. I mean, sure, it can if you are morbidly obese and have a very poor self image; however, there was a pretty long list (I agree that you shouldn't bring politics into this even jokingly). I don't think you mentioned much if anything about space, computer game time, different interests and how each thing on this iist can put a great distance between two people. Even a lack of interest can become a habit and laziness can set in If a man does not realize that even an extremely sexual woman needs to be romanced, and with sincerity. Honesty is key, and if a person is honest, and the spouse refuses to hear or listen, the space between the two becomes a greater gulf. Once great damage is done, there aren't enough kind words short of a miracle that can heal the passivity and lack of communication.
Curious hat you would think morbid obesity would be a factor, whereas obesity would not. Perhaps it is just too long in Los Angeles, which admittedly is the shallow end of the pool, but I know MANY people who would loose sexual interests in their spouses if he or she became 10 pounds overweight. So it is a gradient. As I said, these are reasons that people listed, not reasons I personally identified. As for bringing politics into it. I did not bring politics into this, I brought humor into this. By making it out to be more than a joke, is bringing politics it. But moving on, bottom line, people are redefining marriage and commitment and it doesn't always involve biological reproductive function. Connectivity is the basis of a union not sex.
I find it hard to believe that there are many (if any) people in a sexless marriage who would not be happier by obtaining a healthy physical as well as emotional relationship with a spouse. That includes sex. Sex is a basic human need, and sexual desire is a natural state. It is not base, or evil or wrong. We haven't ''evolved' beyond it. We probably never will. And there is nothing noble in trying to. Now, of course it is true that the frequency with which people have sex may decline significantly over the years for many physical and other reasons. But if you look at the correlation between those in truly sexless marriage and those with depression, I bet it is high. By the same token, obesity and emotional overrating are things that should be addressed and overcome as they are impediments to happiness. I don't see how that can truly be up for debate. I stumbled across this post, and I'm not sure what the ''mission statement' of this blog is. But this seems to me to defy logic and common sense and just FEEL wrong. I do not grok.
If you had read what I actually wrote, you would not have made most of your comments. For example:
1) Nowhere did I say that obesity is something that should not be over come. Where is that coming from? I would be THE LAST PERSON to say that. I said a person should not attempt to lose weight for their spouse, they should do it for themselves. You would be hard pressed to find anyone who works with obesity that would disagree with that statement.
2) As I said, there are those who believe that biologic reproductive function must overlap intimacy and eroticism. You cannot presume, based on your needs that everyone has the same needs.
3) I can understand why this "feels" wrong to you. I'm tolerant, you are not. I'm a scientist, you are not. I'm expressing opinions based in science, and encouraging people to explore themselves and make their own decisions. Your opinions are based in subjective feeling, and you are telling people what they should or should not feel, and what is or is not healthy based on your conceit. .
4) Depression exists across all groups. There probably are MANY people in sexless marriages, who do NOT WANT to be in sexless marriages who are depressed. Those are not the people I am talking about.
5) This is opinion based on known functions of brain structures and evolution, it does not involve being noble or not. Additionally, I did not say, nor have I ever said sex is evil.
6) This blog does not defy logic. Logic defies your sensibility. Be that as it may, at the end of the day, you cannot be everything to everybody, so as you stumbled onto this blog, you can stumble off.
7) While your opinion is really important you, please do not mistake me for someone who cares what you think. Presuming everyone is like you feels wrong to me,
Thank you for sharing your opinion. The web is full of many things, I am sure you find something much more to your liking... enjoy it. Namaste.
Hilarious; and well stated. Thank you for your article and your comments. Namaste.
Namaste to you too!
I'm in a sexless marriage. I think the problem isn't the sex, its marriage itself. Like Groucho Marx said, "Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "
As for fixing the sex part, the problem is that after all the hard work to fix it, the big prize is that I get to have sex with the person I didn't want to have sex with in the first place.
I'd go for divorce if I could afford it. But, in the meantime, here I stay in the institution.
Thank you for sharing your pain. I am sorry you are in that situation. I hope you will soon be free. The good thing is that you have realized that you are in a place that you need to move away from, and that is the most important step. Stay strong. Namaste.
Dear Married People:
Don't want sex? Don't want to become neurotic about not having sex? Don't want Psychology Today writers make you feel guilty because after 20 years of marriage you aren't having sex three times a week?
Yes, you too can get 8 hours of sleep in your own bed. Nobody will snore besides you and maybe your dog. You won't endure long uncomfortable conversations with a spouse about what you aren't doing, what you aren't saying and your poor performance in the bedroom. You won't have to worry about vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction. Nobody will heap a guilt trip on you.
Yep, the whole miserable subject of your inability to conform to what modern culture thinks is right and wrong will delightfully blow by you if you aren't married.
But for the record, I am NOT one of those PT writers who try to guilt trip anybody about anything. "Not my circus, not my monkeys." But a serious note, you don't have to be single to do any of those things you mention, you just have to put your big person clothes on.
Also... marriage IS the darker side, and you left out you don't have to wash out anybody's dirty drawers but your own. Nmaste
I am so glad that people are getting what I am trying to say here, and not being self-referential. Thanks again, for taking the time to comment. Namaste.
....that Ashley Madison, Married Secrets, and other sites of their ilk are chock full of users. You can't get sex at home find another married person to have sex with. Just saying from experience....and believe me the unfulfilled are very GRATEFUL.
And if that is what is necessary for a person to get through the night it is not for me to judge. I am merely providing some questions for evaluating a sexless marriage, and some insight into human sexual behavior in the context of neurochemistry and evolutionary human biology. As for the rest of it, not my circus, not my monkeys. Go for what you know. I'm just trying to expand the "know." Namaste.
No sex in no way equals spiritual growth.
On the flip side it is an example of how the human being is being drawn further away from what is natural and NECESSARY into the technological delusion and destructive nature of a lifestyle which is completely marketed and sold to them.
Sex is not bad. And to leave it out, for most who are capable, is not a decision made in happiness and contentment but rather in discomfort in skin or position.
lifestyle upgrade maker
1) I never said not having sex was equal to no spiritual growth. Being abstinent for certain reasons my be an indication of spiritual growth. So please do not misconstrue my words.
2) I never said sex was bad. Again please do lecture me for words you put in my mouth.
3) Millions fo celibates through out history have left sex out, and it may not have been for reasons of discomfort in their skin or position, e.g., Jesus Christ, The Dalai Lama, catholic clergy, and many buddhists, Thank you for taking the time to comment, although it is apparent that your motive for commenting was more self promotional than actually commenting on what I actually wrote
""Although I am using this ordinary term, sexual climax, it does not imply the ordinary sexual act. The reference here is to the experience of entering into union with a consort of the opposite sex, by means of which the elements at the crown are melted, and through the power of Meditation the process is also reversed. A prerequisite of such a practice is that you should be able to protect yourself from the fault of seminal emission. According to the explanation of the Kalachakra Tantra in particular, such emission is said to be very damaging to your practice. Therefore, because you should not experience emission even in dreams, the tantras describe different techniques for overcoming this fault." - The 14th Dalai Lama - See more at: http://sacred-sex.org/scriptures/buddhism/2-14th-dalai-lama-and-sex.html#sthash.WQHyipTv.dpuf"
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Billi Gordon, Ph.D., is Co-Investigator in the Ingestive Behaviors & Obesity Program, Center for the Neurobiology of Stress, David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA.
It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.