A friend and bestselling young adult fiction writer, Vicki Grant (http://vickigrant.com), invited me and a colleague, Vivian Howard, who is a specialist in the study of children's literature, to talk at a Kid Lit Cafe the other night. Our topic was children's books and the sometimes naughty bits inside. Just what should children read and when? That question is difficult to answer because it makes it sound like all children are the same, all families are the same, and that adults always know best. What children have taught me is that children's psychosexual development varies depending on the child's personality and environment, that families have very different values which need to be respected, and that adults seldom know what their kids are thinking about when it comes to sex, nor the questions they're aching to ask. Unfortunately, it feels like we have collective amnesia once we have kids, forgetting that we had the same need to know when we were young and that many of us made bad decisions that we regret because of our lack of information.

Our children's psychosexual development has both a psychological and physiological component. As bodies (and brains) change, thoughts and feelings change along with them. No matter what the family environment, however, kids are curious about sex. We know this because rates of sexual activity among teens have remained mostly stable for the past 40 years. Before Janet Jackson's wardrobe failure, Lady Gaga's pantless dances, and Brittany Spears' penchant for avoiding underwear were part of our pop culture, we parents were just as sexually active as our kids.

As parents we can help our kids best by providing them with what they need at a pace that is driven by them. They will be curious about the "plumbing" as early as age 4 or 5. They'll be ready to hear about relationships before they leave elementary school. And they will certainly fully understand sex and all its complications long before we adults think those thoughts are in their heads. Just poke your head into a conversation by 12-year-olds and you'll be surprised by what you hear.

All this, of course, raises questions of how and where we should provide them with information. In school? Sure, why not. Their bodies are driving them to think about these things anyway. At home? Absolutely. And while you're at it make sure there are some good books for them to read, ones by the matron of the art, Judy Blume, or other young teen fiction that describes what kids experience. A copy of Teens Bodies, Teens Selves, and other books like it are not a bad idea, either.

The alternative? There is always the internet. Or their smartphone. Or the television. There is the hearsay and misinformation of peers. I would rather parents act proactively and give kids the advantage of non-pornographic information than leave it to the kids to figure this out on their own. On a personal note, I remember that when I was ten, my father's stash of pornography was a confusing source of information. Thankfully, it was a story by Judy Blume that helped me put the pieces together.

Vicki Grant's book Quid Pro Quo was banned by some school boards when it was first published because it dared to offer a definition of statutory rape. That's just nonsense and potentially does our children harm. Here are a few other books that Grant, Howard and I suggest you share with your teens (when they hint they're ready for them):