While
blogging may seem like responsibilities to others, for me it serves as an incredible outlet for connecting with others and taking time to listen to my voice rather than quell its whispers.
The reason I've been absent on this blog is completely related to resistance and fear -- the fear of letting others hear and see me when I'm less than perfect -- when I'm truly trying to stay afloat. If I've ever made you think what I do is remotely easy for me or that I have things well managed and seamless, I sincerely apologize. And I apologize because during this last week I've spent free moments reading other blogs, listening to others' voices, trying to find someone who was saying something I could relate to in my struggle to stay afloat, a little kernel of hope that others experience challenges and know that even though they are fighting with everything in them, there is a strong probability that the challenge will not be "conquered." I know what I'm trying to do, and why I'm trying to do it with everything in me, but am beginning to question if the way I'm navigating this process is all wrong. Is my stubbornness and perseverance steering me in the wrong direction? I don't know. I'm truly uncertain and rarely if ever share these feelings with others until after I've either conquered the challenge or after I've processed not being able to conquer the challenge. But the in between period, that's where I find it tough to communicate to myself and others.
Yet, I'm staying very positive which is a feat for me even if I won't admit it to myself. A year ago, I would have crumbled by now, allowing circumstances to dictate my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
But I do wish that I could put a little sign on my forehead, and on my tweets, emails, blog posts that says - I am currently trying to stay afloat and could use your support and this is how…. But I am horrible at asking for help, and if I do ask for help, it typically doesn't end up well during high-stress cycles/periods of challenging work, multiple big deadlines, unforeseen hurdles, and too few hours in the day because I can't properly receive the support that I may have asked for. I'm limited by hours in the day, energy in my body, the inability to concentrate and produce on demand, and the need to weigh my basic needs over the expectations/needs of others (which is SO HARD).
So my email inbox contains about 100 unopened emails, probably 50-75 require responses and the other 25 require action. I check the emails sporadically and try to focus on the ones directly related to the area in which I'm trying to stay afloat. I'm a productivity maven and rarely get overwhelmed by big important projects or the flow of incoming demands - that is my status quo. So to feel like I'm constantly swimming uphill and unsure if I'm getting anywhere is very new to me.
I'm likely going to regret posting this for anyone to read, but hopefully someone else trying to stay afloat will feel just a little bit less alone. That challenges like successes come and go, take it one day - one moment at a time and know that it's okay to show up even when life is far from perfect. It's okay, I promise - for both you and me.
image: a life through the lens
Note: I originally posted this piece on my personal blog, A Beautiful Ripple Effect, on Monday (Feb. 14) but felt that it would be a piece others could relate to on Psychology Today as well.
