New Chapter

Tiger Woods and the Importance of Amends

Adia Colar — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 18:20:03 +0000

When I found out Tiger Woods would offer a public apology last Friday, I wanted to hear it. I don't really care about his personal life, nor is it my responsibility to judge his sincerity. I was, however, interested because of my own experiences with amends.

My most intense and comprehensive amends process happened when I went to an inpatient eating disorder facility. The program included a component that was loosely based on the 12-step principles. One of the eight weeks of treatment was called Family Week and focused around a Christian amends-making concept known as Truth in Love. I spent a considerable amount of time in the month and a half before Family Week preparing my amends. There was a lot I needed to share with my family.

Not surprisingly, though, my disordered eating behavior wasn't the only area in my life that was out of whack. Something else - developed and fueled by my eating disorder - was having quite a negative impact in my life. I had decided before I went to treatment that I was not going to deal with it. Uh uh. No way. The more I worked on my amends, though, the more I saw that if I wanted to be, and stay, free from my eating disorder, it was imperative that I deal with this other issue.

To sum up, Family Week finally came, I made amends on a number of issues, as did my family, and it presented the opportunity for a clean slate.

Since then, I've made amends to plenty of people for numerous things. I know I'll have to make more amends in the future because I'm human and continue to make mistakes. I can, however, use the lessons I've learned, some of which Tiger Woods reiterated, for the future. Here are some of them, which you might find useful in your own life.

I'm responsible for amends, not forgiveness.
This is something I've eagerly embraced, perhaps because it brings a lot of freedom with it. If I owe someone amends, it is my responsibility to give it. It isn't my job to make that person forgive me. Whether someone accepts my apology is a choice they have to make. All I can do is take care of my part.

Amends aren't necessarily interdependent.
If I feel someone has wronged me, it isn't my responsibility to try to make them reciprocate. Just as I can't make someone forgive me, I can't force them to apologize. If I am bothered by something they've done, I can tell them truthfully, but not with the expectation that they will apologize. That's their choice.

It's not enough to give it; I have to live it.
Tiger mentioned that his wife, Elin Nordegren, told him that his real apology to her wouldn't come in the form of words, but from his behavior over time. Amends are often an active, continual thing. In fact, sometimes amends aren't even spoken. In our current Facebook era, it's easier to find people from the past and make amends to them, but sometimes that's not possible. It is feasible, however, to incorporate amends in future behavior.

It might require daily amends.
Many amends consist of actions and some of those entail daily work. One thing Tiger said was, "It's now up to me to make amends and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made." There are plenty of people for whom that might be the best approach. I want my living amends to produce a permanent change in behavior, yet I find a lifetime mandate is a little too much. Right now, I choose to live my amends one day at a time.

Amends are sincere.
I believe in not compulsively making amends. Each circumstance is different, but generally, I refrain from giving amends unless I feel the need to do so. This is controversial, but it usually works for me.

I might, for instance, realize that someone is bothered by something I've done, but I don't consider that to be a valid reason to apologize. A person could call me out on something I initially don't agree with, but after considering it, I'll realize that I do need to make amends and I'll do so. Sometimes I don't feel the need and I won't do it. I try to make amends only when it is genuine.

I might not want to do it, but I still need to.
Sometimes I want to give amends. Often, though, I don't. After all, making amends can be painful, humbling, and scary. However, if I feel the need to apologize, it's necessary that I do so, want to or not. The need to act with integrity and clean up the lingering mess provides motivation to do it.

Likewise, it can be necessary to give amends even if the other party doesn't feel wronged. For example, I recently apologized to a friend, only to have her give me a puzzled look and say, "There's no reason for you to apologize." I told her that while she didn't feel I'd screwed up, I minded my behavior and despite her objections, I owed her an apology.

Sometimes I need to make amends to myself.
While it can be necessary to make amends to others, it's important not to forget ourselves. I've had to apologize to myself countless times. Just as I'm sure I'll have to "get right" with others in the future, I'll need to do so with myself as well.

Some self-amends I've made were for how I treated my body and when I haven't treated myself with adequate respect. They're not just apologies but also subsequent action.

Amends can help with the present and future.
Making amends can be difficult, and recognizing that can assist me with my present actions. I've had many occasions where I've thought, If I do this, I'll need to make amends in the future and since I really don't want to, I'm not going to do this thing now.

Hearing Tiger Woods' apology helped remind me of the importance of amends, from having the willingness to give them to the dedication to live them.

Putting Guilt Into Perspective

Adia Colar — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 15:53:30 +0000

When I first heard about the earthquake in Haiti, I felt sad. Worried. Angry. I didn't, however, feel guilty, which is a huge improvement.

For some reason or reasons, when growing up, I felt guilty about a lot of things, many of which weren't in my control. One of those things was slavery. I'd read about it or think about it and break into tears. Why did my people have to go through that? They suffered so much. Why couldn't I do anything to stop it? I knew logically there was nothing I could do about those atrocities that occurred centuries before my time, but I felt as though somehow, I should have been able to do something to ease the pain of my ancestors. Rationally, it didn't make sense, but that didn't stop me from internalizing and in some ways accepting it. I felt a sense of responsibility for making things a little better and since I obviously couldn't do that, the feelings turned to guilt.

A couple years ago, I learned an exciting addition to my family history: one side of my family had come from Haiti. They immigrated to America in the mid-1800's, established themselves in Louisiana, and a few generations later, here I am.

Considering my guilty feelings toward Africa's past, it would seem that Haiti's current crisis would trigger a wave of guilt. But as I first mentioned, that's not the case. The reason is because that incredible sense of guilt that I used to feel regarding Africa isn't there anymore. I didn't have an epiphany that erased those feelings. I think this guilt-easing process is just like everything else that's improved: with a lot of work, time and grace, it got better.

Here are some things that helped me process and move past these guilt issues:

• Wrote about it.
I often write to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head or to bring them to mind, and this situation was no different. Writing helps me see things of which I am not consciously aware.

Likewise, if you're feeling misplaced guilt, process it in whatever way works best for you. If you like to create art, then draw, paint or sculpt what you feel guilty about and how that excess guilt is affecting you. If exercising does the trick, take a walk or swim laps and listen to what comes up for you. If meditating helps you process, take some time to be by yourself and observe what you think and feel.

• Talked about it.
I've talked, and talked, and talked about this issue. I talked to friends and people in support groups. I spoke about this and other internalized guilt issues with my therapist. Talking with people helped me process the guilt I was feeling and really understand that it wasn't my responsibility.

Think of a person - or persons - you trust. Share the guilt you're dealing with. Let the person know what you need from them - maybe you just want an open ear or perhaps you'd appreciate feedback. By voicing these thoughts, it can help you process some of the guilt you're experiencing.

• Used sarcasm.
I've found that sarcasm can be an effective way for me to develop a more accurate perspective. For instance, when I was feeling guilty about slavery, I might say something like, Of course you should've saved them! After all, you are Superwoman. You should've created a time travel machine. Then you could've hopped back to the 17th century and used your super Adia powers to fight off the captors and direct the ships back to Africa. I'd make the scenarios outlandish enough that I'd usually laugh and see it was ridiculous to think I had so much control over something that I clearly couldn't have prevented. It would help me give myself a break.

Gauge your situation. Some people find that sarcasm just reinforces the guilt and sets them back. Others have mentioned that, like me, it helps them lighten up on themselves and can be very effective.

• Was proactive.
Sarcasm helped me see what I wasn't responsible for and couldn't do, but I looked to see if there was anything I could do in the present. Okay, I can't stop America's slavery from centuries ago. Is there anything I can do now? Years ago I started sponsoring a little girl, now a teenager, from Africa. I knew it wouldn't change history and potentially only positively affect one African person, but I figured every little bit helps. Likewise with Haiti, I couldn't change the country's past struggles and obviously couldn't stop an earthquake, but there were things, are things - such as donate resources for the current crisis - that I could do to help in the aftermath.

If you're feeling misplaced guilt, what are some ways to proactively counter it? For instance, if you were in an accident where someone died and you feel guilty that you lived, you can donate some time to a driving awareness program. If you feel guilty about a pet that died, you can volunteer at a vet hospital. Doing something in the area that you are experiencing guilt can help you process it.

Guilt isn't fun. Irrational guilt isn't necessary. There are ways you can deal with it and lessen - or eliminate - its impact in your life.

New Year’s Resolutions? Not this Time.

Adia Colar — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 18:24:07 +0000

I don't think I'm making resolutions for 2010. Now, I might decide at the very last minute that there is something - anything - that I must work on for 2010. Presently, though, I think I'm going to let it be.

I've had a myriad of resolutions in my preteen and teen years. You should have seen the lists! Each year I'd plot a couple dozen goals. They'd be things like lose # of pounds, exercise # of minutes each day, or eat no more than # of calories a day. And since the weight-related mandates weren't enough, I'd add things like go to bed by this time, pray for # minutes each day, brush my teeth this long, or be nice to that person. It was a dizzying flurry of rules; any flaw that I thought I had was worth correction for the new year. Not surprisingly, give me less than a week and I'd already be breaking some, if not all, of them.

My new year's resolutions had evolved by my late teens and 20's. Now I was more interested in establishing and following resolutions that emphasized both inner and outer health, and working on a few broad concepts instead of many micromanaged items. I limited my number of resolutions and tried to focus on "do's" rather of "don'ts". They were things such as limit sugar intake, exercise # of times each week, write every day, or go to # of meetings a week. Even though they were less restrictive than my previous resolutions, I still found them stifling and quickly abandoned them.

Looking back, I believe the reason I've always rebelled against New Year's resolutions is because I wasn't totally dedicated to them. They always felt somewhat compulsory. I had good intentions when I created them, but good intentions didn't equal commitment. I can't recall ever having a resolution that I established at the beginning of the year that was crucial enough for me to follow it for a whole year. Yet, I'd find myself creating the same resolutions again and again.

This isn't to say that I haven't developed and stuck with resolutions, but those were ones based on need rather than time. For instance, when my eating disorder reappeared its head one spring, it wasn't an option for me to say, "Well, when the new year arrives, I'll work on this." It was something I had to deal with right then.

Let's say someone has a heart attack and the person's doctor says, "If you don't change your diet, you will die within two years." That would probably motivate the person more than if they decided to start a diet in the new year to fit into snug jeans.There are parallels between that and my experience. The resolutions I've stuck with were ones I developed because of necessity rather than a new week, new year, anniversary, or another birthday.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone from developing New Year's resolutions. Some people find that making and following resolutions works really well for them. However, if you've found that you make resolutions each year only to stop following them shortly thereafter, you might want to consider developing resolutions when the need, rather than when the time, arises.

Eating Disorder Recovery Holiday Survival Plan

Adia Colar — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:05:34 +0000

People often mention that it can be difficult to eat healthily, stay in shape, heck - to stay sane during the holidays. It wasn't until I was in recovery from my eating disorder that I understood what they mean. These are some tips I've developed to maintain my sanity during the holiday season, and you might find them useful as well.

While I am writing this specifically for the holiday season, it can be applied any time of the year. Also, I'm specifically addressing eating disorders, but even if you don't deal with food problems, you can adjust them to fit your situation.

Take Care of Yourself

Your top priority needs to be yourself. It is not your family, significant other, or the neighbor's dog - it is you. If you're not taking care of yourself, how can you really take care of someone else? Don't be afraid to do something, or not do something, if it will help you have a peaceful holiday.

Determine your support system and if one doesn't exist, find or create it.

Before going home for the holidays, figure out who you can reach out to. Is it your family? Your high school friends? Previous co-workers? Your religious community? Support group meetings? If your support system consists of specific people, you might consider letting them know ahead of time that you'll contact them if things get rough. That way, they can keep an eye out for your call. If you prefer meetings, research where eating disorder support group meetings are being held. If you can't find any physical ones, there are always phone and online meetings. Even if there are no eating-specific support group meetings, there might be general-issue support group meetings. If things get tough, you'll already want to have a plan of action.

Ask for help.

Yes, that help thing again. Asking for help can be difficult, but it can be the difference between an enjoyable holiday and a miserable one.

While the following event didn't happen during the holiday season, it illustrates the benefit of asking and receiving help. I returned home for the summer after my freshman year in college. My eating had been quite sane for awhile but when I moved back into my parents' house, temptations abounded. Food items in the cupboards and drawers and refrigerator were calling my name, and I wanted to answer. I had a hunch, though, that if I did answer the call, I'd end up on an eating disordered roller coaster. So, I cleared out all of the binge food items, stuffed them in grocery bags, and threw them in the outside trash. I was a little worried about my parents' reaction, but when I told them, they were very understanding.

For the next couple years, when I came home for an extended period of time, I'd bag up their triggering food, stick it in their room, and ask them to hide or get rid of it. After a couple visits, they voluntarily hid the trigger food before my arrival. We did this for a few years until I told them I was okay with having it around. It was a little cumbersome and I did feel uncomfortable about it, but it helped my recovery and my parents graciously supported me.

Help often isn't a neat package. It might be awkward, uncomfortable, or even scary. You owe it to yourself, though, to ask others for the help you need during the holidays. Usually, people are so relieved that they can help your recovery that they'll gladly do it.

Plan an alternative.

Make sure you have an alternative. Feeling backed in a corner can exacerbate eating issues. I no longer ask my parents to get rid of certain foods, but I when I go to visit them, I'll bring a grocery bag filled with food for myself. I don't think any particular food is bad, but since my mom bakes a lot of deserts during the holidays, if left to my own devices, I'd devour most of them. So, I bring food that satisfies my craving and doesn't leave me feeling deprived. That way, if I want a piece of my mom's goodies, I'm more likely to have one instead of ten.

What are some of your big holiday food struggles? What are realistic substitutions for those items? It's important that the substitutes are realistic. For instance, if my mom bakes a pecan pie, I probably won't feel very satisfied eating an apple. However, a handful of dates dipped in almond butter might just do the trick.

Likewise, alternatives are important for more than just food. If you're feeling really stressed at your family or friends', where is another place you can go to get back on an even keel? Can you take the dog for a quick walk or take a drive somewhere? If things get really rough, can you stay at someone else's place or go back to your home? Find your alternatives and don't be afraid to utilize them.

Take Some "You" Time.

It's so easy to get caught up in the holiday festivities and constant interaction with others. However, we all need downtime to process and recharge. I like to debrief by writing in my journal, reading, thinking, or spending time with my dog. Then I'm able to dive back in to the festivities. What works for you?

To sum up:

Give yourself permission to fully take care of yourself.
Have a plan ahead of time.
Remember to enjoy yourself as much as possible!

Letter to My Body

Adia Colar — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 04:00:52 +0000

I've been going through the slow process of looking at items from my disease and recovery. Last weekend, while looking through some food plans I'd followed in treatment, I found a letter that I'd written to my body. The letter, which I crafted during a body image class and typed later, was written a few weeks into my stay at Remuda Ranch. Some of the particulars are different, but I still found the letter to be applicable to today. Here it is:

5-4-00
Dear Jambody~

Wow, we've been everywhere with each other, haven't we. I'm really glad to say that I'm beginning to appreciate you more. As you know, there are still times when I look at you and perceive you and I'm very disgusted. How come you don't look the way you used to? How come you won't conform to my wishes? Why do I look this way or why is that so big? Yet I'm finally starting to realize how you were not built to [live] up to my expectations or the fickle ideals that society imprints. However, you were created by God to take care of me and keep me strong. And I must admit you do a wonderful job of it.

Even though I've tried my darndest to conform you into my unrealistic expectations, you have fought me to make sure you do what you were created to do. That's why you've made me hurt when I starved myself - it was hard for you. That's why you sometimes made it difficult for me to throw up - you needed that nutrition. And remember how I used to get so mad at you for building up my resistance to laxatives? Well, now I realized that you were just working so hard to protect what little nourishment I still had.

And I could never forget how furious I was when my clothes became tighter. I now realize that you didn't realize I had a track meet the next day or a dance the next week or a vacation next month. You just thought 'famine' and worked your hardest to store every morsel so that I would be able to survive. What I didn't realize in my eating disorder is how hard you were working to do your job, which was to keep me safe. Thank you.

Now the least I can do is work with you on that. I am making a commitment to treat you the way you need to be so that I can be the healthy person I need to be.

Love,
me

Lessons from Sophomore Year

Adia Colar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 05:16:17 +0000

Apparently, it's my sophomore year in college because I've been experiencing plenty of déjà vu. It's manifested itself in various ways. If I'm going to continue experiencing sophomore déjà vu, let me take the lessons from that year and make the most of them.

One recent experience was when I got back in touch with one of my best friends from college. Even though we hadn't seen each other for years, it feels like we've picked up from where we left off.

Another set of flashbacks has come from me flirting with some bad habits that I developed sophomore year in college. I've struggled on and off with them and had a reprieve for a long time, but sometimes they resurface.

This rash of flashbacks culminated last week when the DC sniper attacks were brought to the forefront again. I heard that the main sniper, John Allen Muhammad's, execution date was set, and I instantly remembered that terrifying month in October. I recalled the fear and uncertainty that I, and everyone I knew, felt.

I've been thinking, That year had great parts and some really rough parts. What does it show me when hiccups reoccur? I see that I have to have humility and I have to pay attention to previous challenges; just because something hasn't been an issue for a while doesn't mean it won't come back up. Often it's when I'm not paying attention that it might flare again.

I also thought, What are some of the positives from sophomore year and how can I incorporate them into my life? One of the positives was that I was really dedicated to, and thriving in, recovery from my eating disorder. A mentor told me, "Do whatever it takes to stay in recovery." I finally took her words to heart, and that's how I tried to live.

I wrote down everything I didn't want to do that I knew would help me, and those were the things I tried to do first. I didn't necessarily want to go to eating disorder support group meetings, so I didn't let "not necessarily" be an option; four to five times a week, I'd walk three miles round trip from my dorm to whatever meeting was available. Sometimes that meant going to a meeting when I'd rather go to a party. I also didn't want to call people to check in with them and see how they were doing, so I'd try to call people in the afternoon instead of leaving it to the last minute. I was reluctant to follow a food plan, but I worked on keeping one. Despite not wanting to do these things, I didn't give myself a choice not to do them. What do you know - The more I did them, the easier they became.

Certain things were easier. Writing was one of them. Creating grateful lists wasn't that hard. Reading recovery literature wasn't much of a struggle. Being willing to do whatever was needed - and then doing it - really helped me.

Here are some other lessons I learned that year:

Use my friends. That's why they're my friends and not my acquaintances. Friends are there to be used. Yes, used. I cannot tell you how many times I've called a friend when I've felt that I was at the end of my rope or like I was going to do some destructive behavior and no one could stop me. Turns out just talking to someone who understood me helped. Next thing I knew, I'd realize, Wow, I didn't do that behavior that I was planning to do.

It's a two-way street. While I'm using my friends, be available for them to use me. That's why I'm there.

Be willing to reach out to other people. Sometimes it's difficult to go out of our comfort zone. But everyone is experiencing something and sometimes even if it seems someone's not, they might really need someone to talk to but are afraid to reach out. Being able to say, "Hey, I wonder if this person wants to talk or go out to coffee or this person wants me to listen," can really help.

Doing everything that I could was fine and dandy, but it was still bigger than that. I could get caught up in a big cloud of self-will and think: "I'm doing great", "I'm really working my program", "Woo hoo", then I'd discover - whoa, I'm still human. One of my friends refers to the antidote for this as "always more God". Guess what? It works.

Here are some ways you can incorporate these lessons for yourself:

What are the things that you don't feel like doing but that are beneficial for you? (e.g. working out a few times each week, watching what you eat, balancing your checkbook) Do those things earlier rather than later. If you get them out of the way, you won't have to bemoan and procrastinate on them.
Find a support system to help you reach your goals. If you want to read more books each month, join a book club. If you'd rather brown bag your lunch instead of going out everyday, find co-workers who also bring their lunch from home. Having support from others can make the difference between you keeping or foregoing your goals.
Use your friends.
Allow your friends to use you.
Reach out to other people.

Think of these ideas as fuel. My car - that is, me physically, emotionally, mentally, spirituality - uses up gas all the time. If I keep taking from it, eventually I'm going to be running on empty. I need to fill it up so when I need gas, there's a reserve. Likewise, incorporate lessons you've learned from previous experiences so that when you need extra assistance, reserves are available for you.

The Courage to Ask For Help

Adia Colar — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 02:00:05 +0000

What four-letter word can be the most difficult to say?

Help.

Living in a society that prides itself on self-sufficiency, the idea of asking for help can often be daunting. You mean admit that I can't handle everything that comes my way? Not a chance! The ability, though, to ask for help can sometimes be life saving and the inability to do so can lead to many unnecessary consequences.

There've been a few stories in the news this week about people asking for help. One involved Michael Beasley, a professional basketball player who checked himself into a facility for depression . Then there was a report that Melanie Griffith had - again - checked into a rehab facility . Today, I read an interview with Serena Williams in which, speaking about dealing with her sister's murder a few years ago, she said, "It was a real dark period in my life. I went through depression. I never even talked about it to my mom. No one knew I was in therapy, but I was."

The topic of getting help is one that isn't new to me. One string of situations centered on my eating disorder. I had admitted before that something wasn't working, but often that was after my parents and brother prodded me. It wasn't until my junior year in high school when everything seemed to be completely unmanageable that I called my mom and said, "I need to get help. I can't do this anymore." Shortly thereafter, I entered an intensive outpatient program that was very beneficial. Nonetheless, as my 3-week program neared an end, I felt very anxious about going back to school because I believed that I would relapse, as had happened with previous programs. I knew I needed more treatment. I felt a lot of guilt about the cost and burden of intensive inpatient treatment, but I realized it was my life I was dealing with. What price could I put on recovery? I told my parents I needed to go and it was one of the best decisions I've made.

After that experience, it would seem like it'd be easier for me to ask for help, right? Well, yes and no. When I went to college, I began to see a college therapist and also attend support group meetings. However, while my eating disorder had been center focus in high school, the depression was now my main challenge. Through the urging of my therapist and dean, I applied for the special student services. One thing I was supposed to do was give a letter to my instructors at the beginning of each semester, letting them know that I was part of the SSS - it was basically a heads up. I might've given the letters to my professors at the beginning of two semesters. Generally, my pride kept me from informing them. I don't want to give these letters to my teachers and have them think I'm a nutcase, I'd try to reason. Hopefully I'll be okay this semester. However, each semester I'd have a period where I wasn't okay. When it would arise, I'd inform my instructors about what was going on - usually during or after the fact. "I have bad depression and I was hoping it wouldn't start again this semester but it obviously did." While some teachers were sympathetic, not surprisingly asking teachers for help after I'd already messed up was less effective than if I had admitted at the beginning that I might need help.

I dealt with what was probably my worst bout of depression during my junior year. I tried to avoid people if at all possible, wasn't going to any classes and was essentially holing up in my dorm room. Although my therapist worked on campus, since I was barely leaving my dorm room, we would conduct my appointments by phone. I spoke to my parents as little as possible and when I did, I'd lie about my classes. My mom would frequently ask me if I was okay. "Of course I'm okay," I'd say. Instead of asking someone for help, I would whisper "help" - to God? to the atmosphere? to myself? - over and over. I knew I needed help but I wasn't getting it. Eventually, I let my parents know that I fact wasn't attending classes - which came as no surprise to them - and ended up withdrawing for the rest of the semester. That situation, as difficult as it was, taught me the importance of asking for help.

If you're struggling with asking for help, I recommend that you say it - around people - frequently. Start with small, seemingly inconsequential things. Directly request help (it's important to include the h-word). "I need help." "Will you please help me?"

When I'm able to ask for help, I find that miraculously, people are almost always willing to provide it. It might be difficult in the beginning, but the more you practice, the less difficult it will be to ask. Also, remember that everyone needs help. Perhaps through your courage to ask for help, you will help someone else have the courage to ask for help as well.

Resources:

Color Preferences, Michael Jackson, and the Love of Self

Adia Colar — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 16:45:23 +0000

A couple weeks ago, after watching an MSNBC segment on Harvard's Implicit Aptitude Test (IAT)^, I jumped at the opportunity to try it. After sifting through the different options, I decided to take the light skin vs. dark skin sample test. Once I finished it, my result was: Your data suggest a strong automatic preference for Dark Skin compared to Light Skin. I was absolutely stunned. I didn't know what the result would be, but I wasn't expecting that.

Recently I read a piece from author Kimberly Allers titled "Today I Cried for Lost Black Boys: Sadness for Michael". One line read: I will not rest until my little black boy, MY Michael, knows that his broad nose is beautiful, his chocolately brown skin is beautiful, and his thick hair is beautiful.

Some of the same reasons I've felt sadness about Michael Jackson's death are associated with why I was shocked about my IAT test result. I spent a number of years confused, uncomfortable, distressed, and otherwise unhappy about being black. The color of my skin, the size of my lips, the width of my nose, the texture of my hair - why, I thought, did God make me this way? If I had to be black, why couldn't I at least be light like my mom and my cousins? The difficulty I had reconciling my identity and race played a large role in developing an eating disorder.

And the eating disorder thing - I was already struggling with not fitting into a self-imposed "black mold". Then I have to go and get an eating disorder - and everyone knows black people don't get eating disorders. Except, apparently, some do.

A large component of my recovery from an assortment of addictive behaviors is learning how to accept myself. This includes being comfortable as a female, as a Christian, as a sexual being, comfortable with my body, comfortable as an African American - just comfortable with myself period. What a journey it has been. While I still struggle with it, I have definitely made progress. That is the time-, energy-, and sanity-effective thing to do. After all, the irony is if we spend tons of time and energy trying to be what we think others want us to be or what we think we're supposed to be, we're not able to just be. Obsessing takes over living, and the past and future eclipse the present.

So my heart hurts when I know that Michael Jackson struggled with who he felt he was supposed to be, who others felt he was supposed to be, what he should look like, what he should act like - in essence, who he was. His body dysmorphic disorder played a large role in his life, from what surgical procedures he had to what food he ate (or didn't eat). My heart hurts when I think of how many people there are who, while situations and manifestations are different, deal with some of those same underlying struggles.

I'm reminded of Dr. Kenneth and Mamie Clark's doll experiment in 1939 in which they asked black school children which doll they preferred and which doll looked most like them. The results showed that the kids often preferred white dolls to black dolls and connoted white as good and black as bad. I grew up in quite a different environment, yet I know that - as was demonstrated by my love of blonde Barbies and distaste for black Barbies - my doll results would've fit the norm. So from that perspective, I found the IAT result to be encouraging.

That doesn't make the result good or bad - it just is. Nonetheless, I believe it demonstrates that the girl I used to be - who would tuck in her upper lip to make it look smaller, pull her sweatshirt past her waist to minimize her body, soften her voice to seem less threatening, and in general, try to be what she thought others wanted her to be - is continuing to grow.

Allers' poem ends: Now ain't we bad? And ain't we black? And ain't we fine?

My ending would be: Ain't we ourselves? And ain't we comfortable being ourselves?

That's what I strive to be.

^ Project Implicit: Implicit Association Test

Work With What You've Got

Adia Colar — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 14:50:47 +0000

That isn't a line in a dance song (although it certainly could be). Instead, it's a motto that has helped me countless times, and one that you can use as well.

I had this concept reiterated to me recently. At that time, I was on my computer, in a funk. After a couple minutes trying to determine what I was feeling, I recognized a few emotions, including self-pity. Since I didn't want to wallow in it, I decided to tackle it head-on. There is a book that I sometimes refer to in my recovery and since I didn’t even feel like getting my copy, I pulled up the text online and began reading every page that dealt with self-pity. I was starting to feel a little better - just a little bit - and I said, "I wonder if there's a meeting I can go to right now."

Almost ten years ago, when I got out of an eating disorder treatment facility, I started attending support group meetings. Occasionally I will attend online support group meetings. As it happens, sometimes the eating disorder meetings are scarce, yet there are plenty of support group meetings targeted to people who deal with alcoholism. While I do not necessarily share the specific challenges these people are experiencing, I have found that because we share the commonality of addiction, these meetings can still be very beneficial for me.

Guess what: when I ended up attending a meeting just a few minutes later, I found that to be just the case. I was in a better place when I left it than when I arrived. By the time I got home, that feeling of self-pity had subsided.

To incorporate this concept into your own life, answer the following questions:

• What is an area in your life in which you need some help?

No one should come up blank on this. We all need help in some area.

• What conventional methods are available to you to deal with this?

Think of all the tools that can help you with this area of your life. List whatever you think of instinctively.

• What unconventional methods are available for you to deal with this challenge?

Now really think out of the box. Identify tools, people, places, activities, etc. that might not necessarily seem relevant but that nonetheless help you when you're struggling. These can be options you might find yourself grabbing when conventional methods are either not working at the moment or you're not willing to use them. List everything that comes to mind - regardless of how silly you might think it seems.

• Keep the list where you can easily access it.

I have a list on one of my walls at home and entered into my phone.

• Repeat this exercise for other areas of your life in which you could use some help.

Tools are there to be used. It doesn't matter if they're conventional or unconventional. I can't tell you the number of times a readily available non-eating disorder meeting, for example, has helped this recovering compulsive overeater/ bulimic keep some sense of sanity. If something works for me, I'll use it.

Likewise, if something works for you, use it!

* NOTE *

I have received a strong response to this piece. People have mentioned one of the tenets of the group of programs, which says, "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, television and other public media of communication."

I have studied the tenets, including the one in question, and I was once a member of a public information committee. Over the years, I have heard a number of views about what respects, as well as what violates, anonymity. My understanding is that a person is allowed to share his/her experience as long as the person does not expose other people who attend the meetings and does not promote the programs as something others should practice.

My goal in the post above is to encourage people to find and use whatever tools help them deal with their challenges. It was not by any means to promote a particular program as a tool they should adopt. I mentioned the programs to share my experience and what inspired me to write this post. It is one of many tools I use in my own recovery. In fact, on my website, I included a list of alternatives to bingeing and purging (which can be used for a variety of areas) to inspire people to incorporate whatever works for them.

I was able to find the tenet online for the alcoholic support group, just re-read the version for the eating disorder program I participate in, and also spoke to some people who attend the same support group meetings with me. While I took the first source into account, I used the latter two to alter some of my post.

I appreciate all of the feedback I have received on this piece, even those with which I don't agree, and encourage more. It is important to receive more perspectives and insight than just my own.

“It’s Gotta Come Out Some Way”

Adia Colar — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 05:00:39 +0000

Recently, an acquaintance was sharing some problems she was experiencing when she stopped and said, "Sorry that I'm laying all this on you." I replied, "Don't be sorry - you need to vent. I have to remind myself that this stuff has to come out some way, whether through talking or throwing up." We both laughed, and while it was amusing, I was completely serious - things are going to come out one way or another.

I know this from years and years of practice. I instinctively want to do anything that feels better than dealing with uncomfortable feelings. As it is, I never need a reason to compulsively eat so if I have the option of consuming food rather than dealing with painful emotions, I'll sprint to the food. Still, the original issue remains.

I have heard more than one person say, "If I have a problem and I eat over it, then I have two problems." You can substitute any number of behaviors for ‘eat'. "If I have a problem and I [starve, purge, drink, cut, obsess over a love interest, steal, compulsively act in some way] over it, then I have two problems." Or, depending on the consequences of the behavior, you might now have more than two problems.

There are plenty of ways to proactively deal with difficult emotions and situations. For example, the following methods help me process things:

talking with friends, mentors or others whose opinions I respect
writing about it (whether in a journal, an essay, a blog or even Twitter)
praying, meditating, or visualizing
creating art
listening or singing to music
crying (I'll discuss this more below)

Different methods work well for different people. Something that's effective for me might not be your cup of tea. Experiment with what works well for you and incorporate that in your life.

Likewise, there are ways that usually aren't very beneficial for processing and moving on with emotions. They include:

avoiding the problem
internalizing it (beating yourself up or allowing resentment to fester)
externalizing it (practicing some compulsive behavior to temper emotions)

Crying

As if talking about unpleasant issues isn't bad enough, sometimes humans just have to cry. I doubt most people find crying to be fun because usually whatever spurred the crying wasn't fun to begin with. I readily admit that I don't like to cry, but I'm working on embracing it.

My views on crying began to change a few years ago when I was in my therapist's office. On this occasion, I had tears streaming down my face, snot running out of my nose, and tissue fibers stuck to my swollen eyelids. I complained, "I hate crying! It's so messy." My therapist gave me a look and said, "Right, because throwing up isn't messy." She had a point.

Crying and dealing with difficult situations and emotions can feel unpleasant, but it is rarely as messy - physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally - as trying to avoid them. Dealing with the uncomfortable feeling is initially more inconvenient than you or I might like, but through it, we're able to think, process, heal, and continue with life. Deflecting a problem can bring a false sense of peace, but the muck is still there and it's going to need to come out some time, some way, somehow.

* Challenge *

What tools do you have to help you embrace and work through challenging feelings and situations?

Commit to using one today!