I've been going through the slow process of looking at items from my disease and recovery. Last weekend, while looking through some food plans I'd followed in treatment, I found a letter that I'd written to my body. The letter, which I crafted during a body image class and typed later, was written a few weeks into my stay at Remuda Ranch. Some of the particulars are different, but I still found the letter to be applicable to today. Here it is:
5-4-00
Dear Jambody~
Wow, we've been everywhere with each other, haven't we. I'm really glad to say that I'm beginning to appreciate you more. As you know, there are still times when I look at you and perceive you and I'm very disgusted. How come you don't look the way you used to? How come you won't conform to my wishes? Why do I look this way or why is that so big? Yet I'm finally starting to realize how you were not built to [live] up to my expectations or the fickle ideals that society imprints. However, you were created by God to take care of me and keep me strong. And I must admit you do a wonderful job of it.
Even though I've tried my darndest to conform you into my unrealistic expectations, you have fought me to make sure you do what you were created to do. That's why you've made me hurt when I starved myself - it was hard for you. That's why you sometimes made it difficult for me to throw up - you needed that nutrition. And remember how I used to get so mad at you for building up my resistance to laxatives? Well, now I realized that you were just working so hard to protect what little nourishment I still had. And I could never forget how furious I was when my clothes became tighter. I now realize that you didn't realize I had a track meet the next day or a dance the next week or a vacation next month. You just thought 'famine' and worked your hardest to store every morsel so that I would be able to survive. What I didn't realize in my eating disorder is how hard you were working to do your job, which was to keep me safe. Thank you.
Now the least I can do is work with you on that. I am making a commitment to treat you the way you need to be so that I can be the healthy person I need to be.
Love,
me
