Recently, an acquaintance was sharing some problems she was experiencing when she stopped and said, "Sorry that I'm laying all this on you." I replied, "Don't be sorry - you need to vent. I have to remind myself that this stuff has to come out some way, whether through talking or throwing up." We both laughed, and while it was amusing, I was completely serious - things are going to come out one way or another.
I know this from years and years of practice. I instinctively want to do anything that feels better than dealing with uncomfortable feelings. As it is, I never need a reason to compulsively eat so if I have the option of consuming food rather than dealing with painful emotions, I'll sprint to the food. Still, the original issue remains.
I have heard more than one person say, "If I have a problem and I eat over it, then I have two problems." You can substitute any number of behaviors for ‘eat'. "If I have a problem and I [starve, purge, drink, cut, obsess over a love interest, steal, compulsively act in some way] over it, then I have two problems." Or, depending on the consequences of the behavior, you might now have more than two problems.
There are plenty of ways to proactively deal with difficult emotions and situations. For example, the following methods help me process things:
- talking with friends, mentors or others whose opinions I respect
- writing about it (whether in a journal, an essay, a blog or even Twitter)
- praying, meditating, or visualizing
- creating art
- listening or singing to music
- crying (I'll discuss this more below)
Different methods work well for different people. Something that's effective for me might not be your cup of tea. Experiment with what works well for you and incorporate that in your life.
Likewise, there are ways that usually aren't very beneficial for processing and moving on with emotions. They include:
- avoiding the problem
- internalizing it (beating yourself up or allowing resentment to fester)
- externalizing it (practicing some compulsive behavior to temper emotions)
Crying
As if talking about unpleasant issues isn't bad enough, sometimes humans just have to cry. I doubt most people find crying to be fun because usually whatever spurred the crying wasn't fun to begin with. I readily admit that I don't like to cry, but I'm working on embracing it.
My views on crying began to change a few years ago when I was in my therapist's office. On this occasion, I had tears streaming down my face, snot running out of my nose, and tissue fibers stuck to my swollen eyelids. I complained, "I hate crying! It's so messy." My therapist gave me a look and said, "Right, because throwing up isn't messy." She had a point.
Crying and dealing with difficult situations and emotions can feel unpleasant, but it is rarely as messy - physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally - as trying to avoid them. Dealing with the uncomfortable feeling is initially more inconvenient than you or I might like, but through it, we're able to think, process, heal, and continue with life. Deflecting a problem can bring a false sense of peace, but the muck is still there and it's going to need to come out some time, some way, somehow.
* Challenge *
What tools do you have to help you embrace and work through challenging feelings and situations?
Commit to using one today!
