What’s soy good for? Politicians with the zipper problem, of course! As Bill Clinton might have said, “If that woman and I had eaten soy, I’d have saved a lot of embarrassment to my presidency.” Now that he’s gone vegan and downing plenty of soy, we don’t hear much about his extracurricular activities any more. Coincidence?
Soy has long had a reputation as a libido buster in Asia. It’s regularly on the menu at Zen monasteries because the monks couldn’t help but notice that when tofu consumption went up, the naughty behavior went down! For the very same reason, Japanese wives serve extra helpings of soy to unfaithful husbands. Seems soy with its testosterone-lowering power kills the desire, the ability or both.
Given that the Republican convention is coming up this summer, the Naughty Nutritionist™ proposes we give some thought to which contenders make us think about soy.
If “we are what we eat,” Mitt Romney is undoubtedly eating plenty of tofu already! Bland and nondescript, he seems able to change his flavor at will! His point of view has consistently been: “Change is good. Who doesn’t like change? And whatever I just said, let’s change that!” And just like people don’t really like tofu, no one seems to really like Romney, though politicos keep trying to convince us he’s the “healthy choice.” Soy may also be on Romney’s menu already to keep any possible polygamist leanings in check. That said, he may want to be extra careful not to eat that tofu with relish and accidentally say “I love to fu.”
As for Rick Santorum, he could definitely use extra soy. This man considers it his bounden duty to keep all forms of sexuality zippered up except those that “benefit the public good.” That means sex should be restricted to married couples able and willing to procreate. So tall glasses of soymilk to Rick and his 51 year old wife. The question is will the soymilk be enough? Given that Rick seems to think more about gay sex than most gays do, he most likely could benefit from the right supplements as well. Accordingly, I propose he swallow a supplement with three effective ingredients -- pond scum, soy, and santorum. Pond scum is algae, a product said to come direct from God but better for fish than fishers of men. Soy is in there to aid and abet celibacy. As for the “santorum,” it’s a unique ingredient formulated for Rick and his most retentive followers. Those who’d like to know what’s in “santorum,” should Google that word.
Although he’s no longer a contender, Rick Perry would definitely benefit from eating ersatz meats made out of soy. Might be just the thing to help him contemplate “misteaks” such as saying Juarez is the most dangerous city in America, the BP oil spill was an act of God, the American Revolution was fought in the 16th century, the voting age is 21, and why don’t we all just follow him on “Tweeter.” Actually, he’s probably been eating soy “approximeats” already, products such as Soyloin, Mockwurst, Foney Baloney, Sham Ham and Wham. The Honolulu Aging Study, after all, showed that eating soy just a few times a week contributed to cognitive decline, dementia and an incredible shrinking brain. A brain already influenced by soy would be one reason Perry has thrown his support to Newt Gingrich, the amphibiously named candidate henceforth to be known as TofudeNewt!
Newt Gingrich not only looks exactly like a soft-bellied block of tofu but already has a newtered name. Why else might soy be just the thing for him? The British Journal of Nutrition has reported that soy helps men remember anniversaries, and Newt, a thrice-married man who has practiced polygamy, needs help keeping track of his. Furthermore, soy -- as defined by the Urban Dictionary -- is slang for dishonesty and hypocrisy. Let’s just say it’s not soy good to get your children by your first wife to say your second wife is lying about the third. Or to have spent your days impeaching Bill Clinton over Monica Lewinsky while spending nights playing “hide the soylami” with a woman who was not your wife and also 22 years younger. Also not soy good to talk about fiscal responsibility while bouncing checks to the IRS. Or to be exposed as a “chicken hawk” who hawks war but boasts you are “too smart” to serve with the troops. Tofu, the chameleon of foods, is also the perfect match for anyone who can change his job descriptions from lobbyist to consultant to adviser according to whim or expediency. Asians call tofu “the meat without a bone.” How perfect is that for or a blob of a man without an ethical bone in his body?
It's hardly news that most politicians are “tofu friends”-- people who make friends and influence people by changing their personalities and points of view at will. Nor is it surprisingly that most such politicians talk tofurky. The notable exception is Ron Paul, an old-fashioned man with freedom-fighting values who talks turkey, gets to the meat of the matter, and never leaves us scratching our heads and asking “Where’s the beef”? A rare grassfed steak and a tall glass of raw milk for him!