You're peeved at your brother-in-law and it's been brewing for years. Whenever he comes over for the annual holiday party, he goes immediately to your cousin and talks to him for the whole evening - never saying a word to you - and it's your house!
Sure you know that he has "difficulties" with people. Yes, not everyone has to get along. Come to think of it, are you always Miss Friendly? He is a difficult man, your brother-in-law, he is not evil. This is what you tell yourself. So you cut him slack, year after year, holiday party after holiday party.
But this year it sticks in your craw. He walks in the door, takes off his coat and doesn't say a word to you. It's so painful to be ignored. It reminds me you of all the times you were ignored when you were young. Ycch!
On the other hand, part of you feels it's your job to just be a good hostess. Everyone should feel comfortable, you tell yourself. Yet, it grates on you. Your husband tells you to forget it. You're tempted to mention it to your sister, but he's her husband, for goodness sake. No sense having a small tiff like this, go viral. You know this is what happens in families. And yet...
And yet, finally, you can take it no longer. You decide to tell him off. This is it, you think as he walked in, pushed past the punch bowl, grabbed a cookie and went off into the kitchen to talk on his cell phone.
You follow him into the kitchen: "John, I'm angry at you," you finally tell him. He seems surprised. "Why?" He asks. You are on the verge of feeling silly now. Your worst fear is that you will sound babyish or whiny. You might even be ridiculed. Somehow, miraculously, the words come to you. "You don't take an interest in me. You don't ask me anything about myself ever, year after year. You come here, have conversations and then leave."
You feel the power of your own words - the blood is pumping through your body. And undeniably, there is even, almost imperceptibly, a little stirring of feeling between you. You had always been weary of his craggy face - you could never decide whether he was handsome or not, but all of a sudden you see him as though you have just put on glasses.
His expression changes, he rubs his forehead. "I'm a little surprised," he says. "It was my impression, well," he stammered, "I didn't think that you, well, I always send you cards and for the kids' birthdays and stuff. I certainly didn't think I was ignoring you."
There is noise all around the house now. Kids flying into the kitchen, the din and chatter spilling from the dining room and hallways, a nexus of affection mixed with deprivations of adult life, a little restlessness, a little naughtiness, a little desperation wafts through the warm winter house.
You're not sure if you even wanted this prolonged connection, but there you are, the two of you - little worlds broken down - the fortress of freeze and accumulating hostility has been scaled easily but now what? You realize that this is the best you'll get. People always respond through layers of personality, but still, you feel a little better.
A week later you get a call. "I was thinking about what you said. "I have been terribly rude and self-centered." His voice is deep, caring and direct. How many years have you known him? He had always sounded either gruff or syrupy and insincere. "I have ignored you in your own home at times. And I am sorry."
You feel he heard you and you feel even better now.
The great analyst the late Dr. Hyman Spotnitz advised that when you are upset and you want to feel better, you must go directly to the person that upset you provided it is relatively safe to do so. It is unlikely that anything else will help.
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