Word on the street, from the women at least is that clueless men abound. Some say it with a chuckle and a touch of fondness "oh those clueless men" Some with bitterness and anger. Those clueless men. They just don't get it!. The list of the sins ranges from the inconsequential (he doesn't put his clothes in the hamper) to the boorish (he is always late, monopolizes the conversation and even dangerous (he drives way too fast)
To be sure, there is no shortage of women's heartbreak: she gets herself dolled up for a date and the man shows up in a wrinkled shirt and takes her to a fast food restaurant. The woman puts in 3 times as much as housework and her blubbering husband leaves his socks or underwear on the floor and his dirty dinner dishes on the table or in the sink. How awful! Then, on the world stage there's the familiar refrain from women heads of state and diplomats about how men are killers, brutes, warmongers who don't get along with people.
But let's face it: When we say someone is clueless, we are saying that he does not pay attention to me or what is important to me.
Evolutionary biologists joyfully come up with one explanation after another about why men are the way they are. Anthropologists, sociologists, psychologists and psychoanalysts join the bandwagon and will helpfully come up with others, but from a relationship perspective. But is all this "helpful" explanation really helpful?
I don't think so. The way to work with a clueless man is not to work with him at all, but his behavior. Don't get involved in his feelings or yours, don't get wounded, don't get involved in his saga or yours. But here's the rub: Some of you want to work with their feelings. You want to relate. This will not serve you here. This isn't about you or your feelings. And he doesn't have to be better. You just want to get him to work with you better.
How do you do this? Well, the answer is very simple. Go slow. Think of him like a monkey: Monkeys do as you do. You bend down. He bends down. You pick up sock. He picks up shirt. You put sock in hamper. He puts shirt in hamper. Now you reward him. You take dish. He takes cup. You take sponge. He takes soap. Wash, dry, rinse, repeat, put away. Do it with him as though he were not him, but rather some kind of animal that you had to train, like a seal or a dolphin as wonderfully suggested by Amy Sutherland in her brilliant 2006 classic article in the New York Times.
You see, the latest research shows that our brains really are not just hooked up with what's inside us, they really are hooked up with other people's brains. (see Ramachandran, V. 2008) We will do what others show us to do. But, you ask, what about his mother, his father, his training? Waste of time. And when he doesn't do what you want, say nothing. Remember, you are not training him, you are training his behavior. You are also training yourself to be different. Women will tend to expend energy on a man if they have feelings for him and then take his behavior personally. This is a bad feminine strategy. Do not go where your heart is, on this one. In fact, don't relate to him at all, just his behavior. You'll be much happier, I can assure you.
