I knew a man who was a little bit off. His name was Jack. He was big, tall and broad, a bear of a man, handsome, in a 1940s-50s sort of way - like he stepped off a set of Guys n' Dolls. He was from Brownsville, Brooklyn and he had a crew cut and a bearing that suggested 1 part tough-guy, 2 parts Goofus and 3 parts Gallant. Jack was the kind of man that if he saw a picture of an unclothed woman, he would turn red and look the other way.
Although he was handsome and kind, women did not warm to him even when he would compliment them. "Gosh you sure are pretty," he would say. They would smile wanly and say "thank you" ending all contact.
When women say "thank you", I really think they are saying, "go to hell." Truthfully, the women were on to him. His compliments, while in a sense genuine, were not real. With his sweet talk, he was hiding a lot of aggressive feelings.
The idea that "Thank you" did not mean thank you, though, intrigued me. For instance, nearly every rejection letter from a job, university or publication begins with the words, "thank you for sending, applying, contacting...However..." You know the rest. Take for example this letter a friend of mine received just last week: "Thank you very much your submission. While we enjoyed...blah, blah, blah."
Read: "Up yours. We didn't like it."
Nor is this limited to letters. "Thank you" is a marvelous device to avoid all kinds of emotional interactions. Nothing beats "thank you" when you want to stop something that might happen between people.
A good friend once advised me: compliment someone. Tell them you loved their speech, their article, whatever. If they say "thank you" and nothing else, never talk to them again. They will never give you anything. They will frustrate you forever.
Some people might become suddenly "grateful" when angry or anxious. One time I remember a woman who was determined to leave her psychotherapy group. She prepared a "speech" for her colleagues: "I am angry and I don't want to discuss it," she told them. "I have decided to leave you all. I would like however, to simply say thank you to everyone in the group."
A man yelled out. "You don't want to say thank you to us, you want to say f-you to us!"
Truthfully, gratefulness even when it is genuine has an important place. But as a connector between people, it is very weak. This is probably, because gratitude is a concept that comes much later in human development. The baby is born with only one instinct: to suck. He is able to take in and he must take in to survive. That he might give also, or express gratitude to another, develops only after he has received enough.
Not too long ago the New York Times published reminiscences of people who worked at Bear Stearns. One employee recounted that he had made the naïve mistake of thanking his superior after having received an extraordinary (possibly undeserved bonus). His superior, instead of receiving his words graciously, threatened to fire him if he ever heard him say "thank you" again.
Not surprising at all for Bear Stearns, but of course, life-giving appetite on Wall Street ultimately evolved into destructive, life-killing greed.
I wonder who might say "thank you" for the death of Bear Stearns?
Acknowledgments to Ncaps learners and faculty.
