As a fellow aspie, my mileage does vary a bit. I actually can pick up emotional cues and usually react appropriately, though I don't think I'm doing it the same way an NT would. Body language, social cues, and social context have been a passion of mine for some time now; I've learned enough about these subjects to build a mental map of the logic behind many social interactions.

By this point I usually not consciously thinking my way through every encounter ... it's sort of like driving a car. When you first learn you have to keep remembering how to do each step, but eventually you can drive without paying attention.

Downside is that, like with driving, I can't do anything intellectually complex at the same time. Once I start really focusing on something else, I go right back to empathy blindness. It also stops working when I'm tired or overloaded. And I can't do it with more then around 2 people at a time.

Overall, I prefer it when people give me permission to be insensitive. Even if I can simulate normal sensitivity, it's exhausting doing it all day. I agree that it's nice to be around people sensitive enough to let me relax and be my aspie self.

This makes a lot of sense to me and it's one reason why aspies can often be good in a crisis (provided that they're not particularly nervous individuals).

I've been in a few situations myself and usually been more objective and more able to stick to the disaster recovery plans than my colleagues. I'm also more able to "think on the run" because I don't dwell on the emotive aspects.

I'm sensitive but I don't feel the need to "fake" more sensitivity than is required.

You do such a good job of translating Aspergian responses for "typical" folks. And I appreciate your helping debunk the myth that people with Asperger's don't experience empathy.

Thanks so much for expressing yourself so clearly, as you always do.
My dear husband & son has AS & he is more tolerant when "he knows" what to expect from me.
"People with Asperger's have very weak sensitivity to other people's thoughts and feelings. But we often offset that with exceptionally strong logical brains. Therefore, we are wise to seek a mate with exceptional emotional sensitivity and less logical brainpower. Then, our mental abilities compliment each other's. One of us has great emotional intelligence, and the other has great logical intelligence. Individually, we're each weak. Together, though, we are very strong."

Great, perfect, in every way!
Kelly

John:
Glad to see you here! I look forward to your contributions to PT.

As I recently mentioned to someone else - the unfortunate fact of the matter is that much of aspergian behavior is often taken at face value. Although, I think a lot of progress is being made as more and more of us share the truth of our experiences and thought processes.

Like any group, those with Asperger's have variable experiences, personalities, and abilities. Thank goodness for those of us who have people who know us, understand us, and give us the benefit of the doubt when we may come up short by the wider world's standards.

Regards, Lynne Soraya

Great article.

Being the mother of a three year old, I witness a lot of falls. If my son falls and doesn't cry, I assume he's not injured and I don't react. He gets right back up and continues on. In public, though, strangers often run to my son and make a big deal when he falls and sometimes look at me as if I'm an uncaring and cold. I often wonder what they must think. They seem unaware of my vigilance. Of course, I'm responsive if he is upset or hurt.

As far as spouses and friends go, I prefer the logical kind. That way I don't have to worry too much about offending them.

My partner lost his balance recently and caught himself before he fell. He did not cry out or make a sound, so, while it eventually registered in my mind that he had had a near-stumble, it did not occur to me to react because, by that time, he was already in the process of catching himself. I was looking at the computer at the time, and I barely looked up. The problem is that my partner has a severe back injury, so a fall could have been paralyzing to him. What I saw as a situation that required no action on my part and therefore provoked no reaction from me, he saw as a narrowly averted disaster, and he was shocked that I did not share his distress or jump to help him. We had a talk about it and patched things up, but it was illustrative of a basic difference between us. I'm generally a very social person (when in the company of fellow geeks), so I don't believe I have Aspergers, but I also don't pick up on a lot of those social cues that come naturally to most people, so it's good to get some other points of view as to how people in my situation get by.

It's always nice to have someone in the know help explain our behaviors.

You didn't actually determine whether or not she was hurt; you only determined whether or not she was damaged. (And that's assuming she'd tell the truth, instead of pretending to be stoic, but no woman who'd be unstraightforward would be married to an Aspie for long!) "Damaged" and "hurt" do not mean the same thing.

It's perfectly plausible that she was hurt but not seriously harmed, and that she'd be more comfortable resting a moment until the pain had passed. A reasonable follow-up question would have been, "Are you ready to go?"

Instead, you issued a command -- "get up" -- without full knowledge of whether that was the most appropriate action. This is nearly always a bad idea. Fortunately, your wife is used to your little ways, and no doubt she'd tell you if getting up immediately was not what she wanted to do. Other people would be less willing to accommodate you.

If there's one thing I'd encourage an Aspie to do, it's to use language and reason with precision. If you can't read the emotional cues, it's especially important that you get the literal questions correct. You're fortunate that your wife is willing to imagine that you have asked the questions that would be most appropriate and reasonable.

John- I just finished your book and wanted to tell you that I REALLY enjoyed it. I didn't want it to end. I am a special education teacher and your book taught me a lot. Thanks so much. I hope you keep writing!

its so valuable and great that you are able to explain this the way that u do

Something else to consider is that the person who accuses you of being callous because you're not flipping out over your wife's fall isn't necessarily representative of "normal" either. Just as some people may not be emotional enough, others can be far too emotional.

My partner of nearly 20 years has AS. Your point about finding a partner "with less logical brainpower" is just a tad insulting. I would say being unconventional and having enough brain power to understand him has been the reason we have a fairly harmonious relationship.

Otherwise an interesting discussion. I will definitely look up your book.

just there you say "if you could read my thoughts" that is an interesting statement to make. It is supposed to be taken for granted that Asperger's folks do not have the ability to do this and are to be 'forgiven' for their lack of responsiveness to non verbal cues and inapparrent emotional states. Blend that with the "shallow affect" and NT's probably have a similar puzzle to Aspies when it comes to mind reading. I have no problem giving someone the benefit (aspie, nt or otherwise) of the doubt but it is much easier when there is effort on the other person's part... just like when an American goes to France and assumes the French are rude without even trying to speak the language. Just one word of french and the doors open. even if the real understanding is not there. Maybe we could all take some clues from multicultural communication in addition to looking at the neurology. Could a social skill be taught that would give a better impression of "caring" such as instead of the query "are you damaged" and the subsequent black or white, take this action if yes, this action if no response, one might say something like "how can I help?" or "I am sorry that happened." even if it were scripted it might facilitate the impression of caring. And get the person saying it and the person hearing it the response that they want. If someone expects me to give him or her the benefit of the doubt and assume that his or her thought process is caring, then it would be good to take the extra effort to acquire some behaviors that reflect this whether they are natural or not. As I said, scripted is better than nothing. and it just might open more doors. In return, I am totally happy to allow for emotional expressive differences and even some lack of reciprocity. I am not saying anyone should be fake, but if the good and kind intentions are there, and the words or actions to express that are unnatural, there still must be a communication of those feelings or they are lost. Some kind of substitute practice.
A kind thought is a terrible thing to waste or lose to lack of communication.