Last September, it felt like the world was coming to an end. The days were getting shorter. It was turning cold outside. The stock market was in a state of collapse, and my resources were evaporating fast. The prospect of going broke in the cold darkness was not the least bit appealing. The prospect of spring’s arrival in six months was little consolation. Nothing else was going as it should; why should the arrival of spring be any exception? Was there a purpose to my continued existence?
Those of you who remember the news back then may recall that others agreed with me; there were a rash of newsworthy suicides at the time. Twin demons of depression and despair ran roughshod though our society.
Eight months passed. Spring arrived. I’m still here.
Today, the changing seasons put it my prior worry and fear in perspective. I’m surrounded by budding trees, blooming flowers, and fields as they change from brown to green. The days are getting long again, and the air is warm.
The economy is still in a state of collapse. Chrysler is bankrupt, and GM looks like they’ll be following soon. Unemployment around me is at 10%. But all of that pales in comparison with the natural forces that surround us. The seasonal changes in the world are not affected one little bit by any of that human news.
Throughout most of 2007 and 2008, I had perceived myself as successful. Yet by the end of 2008, I came to feel everything I did was failing. I thought I was turning into a failure. Like many people with Asperger’s my self image is closely tied to what I do at work. I can’t really sense supportive messages from others. Most of the encouragement I get comes from things I observe – book sales, speaking engagements, and the like. And all of that was in a state of collapse.
It was an ugly, dangerous time but I made it through. Spring arrived; I feel like a success once again. No matter how low the market goes, I feel confident I can get by. My abilities aren’t any different but my perception sure is. That’s true even though a significant percentage of my financial reserves have gone up in smoke.
I think I was saved by a combination of things. First, the level of economic activity stopped falling. Stocks may have tanked, but cars still get repaired, albeit at a lower level. I realized that the world will not end no matter what happens in the market – even if the Dow drops to 2,000. My company staggered, but it did not die, and it looks like things will keep going.
Second, I realized how many forces there are in the world and how insignificant the economy really is in that context. The largest force is the changing of seasons. That’s probably had the biggest and most lasting effect on my mood. I’ve suspected such a thing in years past and I’m more certain now. I wonder if I need to be going away to brighter and sunnier places next winter.
I was certainly invigorated by my trips to sunny places, and I was lucky to have several through the winter.
Last fall I wrote a bit about how my self image is tied to what I do; much of which I measure in dollars and cents at Robison Service. And today, my mood is improved. Why? Am I getting more positive messages? Maybe. Or do other things drive my mood; things I did not see? Maybe on that too.
Last year many readers suggested I should take joy and satisfaction in the work I’ve done in the Asperger community. While that makes logical sense, it didn’t work last fall. Does it work now? Is my focus shifting? I really don’t know, but I seem to be better off.
I do feel happy and proud when I have a positive effect on others. Did I feel that way six months ago, yet it did not help? Or do I feel it more today? Or is it all seasonal? The feedback I get from the Asperger community does not seem to have changed, but how do I know?
This happiness thing sure is elusive and perplexing.
