Almost a month ago I posted a short story titled "The Search For a Compatible Mate" on my regular blog. That post drew so many emails and comments I felt I should toss it out for discussion here, on Psychology Today.
In that post, I suggested that those of us on the autism spectrum may be drawn to people who are like us, but we may benefit from being with an opposite, because that person's skills would complement ours, rather than match strength for strength and deficiency for deficiency. I asked how we Aspergians might find such a complimentary person.
First of all, I would like to thank those of you who sent me encouraging emails, saying I would find a mate one day. I am touched by your support, but my post was in answer to questions I get at speaking engagements, not my own situation. At this moment, I am not seeking a mate. I'm only seeking insight.
I seek that insight on behalf of all the people who ask dating and relationship questions at my appearances . . . I AM seeking the answer to the question because there are many lonely Aspergians out there who would like to find the right mate, and they feel a bit lost about how exactly to do it. But the feedback to the original essay may have taught me an interesting lesson.
I assumed that some of us Aspergians had a unique "dating handicap" because we are largely blind to non verbal cues from others. But is that really true? When I wrote Look Me in the Eye, I made a similar assumption about who would identify with my story. I thought it would just be freaks like me, but it turned out all kinds of people saw themselves in the story.
I fear I may have made a similar wrong assumption with the dating question. Perhaps the issues expressed below are applicable to all humans, and those of us with Asperger's are no different from anyone else in this regard.
The premise of my post was rather simple, and I'll restate it here. Let's say you're an Aspergian who wants to find a mate with a lot of emotional insight to complement your own blindness to non verbal signals. How do you do it? How does someone with a weakness in that area recognize someone who's strong?
Rather than answer the question, many readers countered with questions of their own:
Anna made a good case for having a mate like herself; an Aspergian-Aspergian pairing. I pointed out the advantages of opposites, and she countered with the advantages of like-kinds. They included:
Being able to talk a lot about math and science; seeing the crazy world outside in the same way; building a safe haven against the outside world; understanding one another in a different or deeper way.
I have no argument with Anna. For some, like-like mating that works. For others, it leads to disaster. But you could say the same for opposite-pairs, and who can say if one is statistically more successful than the other. Perhaps a PhD candidate in psychology will do a dissertation study on that and tell us the answer.
Barbara is another Aspergian who echoes Anna's enthusiasm for a mate who's like her.
Stewart is a fellow Aspergian who just wants to know more to help in his own quest for a mate.
Shiny Monkey raised another good point. She asked, in essence, what about the other person? She said:
I also have a fairly logical mind, so I bought into the "logical" side of things... only to realize that that approach always ended up with him getting his needs met (i.e. an emotionless relationship that revolved around machines and code) and me feeling like chopped liver 95% of the time.
What she points out is that both people enter a relationship looking for something. Clearly, in this example, even if Shiny Monkey was just what the guy was looking for, her needs were not being met and the relationship foundered.
The significance of her post is to point out that both people's needs must be met for a relationship to succeed. That said, I still believe in the concept of people who complement one another. Tipping my hat to Shiny Money I'd like to add that we Aspergians have to make a special effort to make sure our partners are getting what they need from us, because we may be partly or totally oblivious to that issue until it becomes a big problem, and by then it may be too late.
But is that any different from the neurotypical husband who sits on the couch drinking beer and ignoring his wife while watching football? Is the need to be sensitive to your partner's needs a uniquely Aspergian issue in an way, or is it just a human issue?
Samwick reminded us that Aspergians really need social skills more than anything else. In other words, we have to learn how to behave so that we don't drive potential mates away. That covers everything from basic manners to saying strange things to invading personal space to farting loudly at the movies. That is certainly an essential truth that I skipped over. So thanks for pointing it out.
Now I realize that anyone - Aspergian or not - needs those social skills. We may start a little lower on the social skills ladder, but it seems like we all have to climb to the same place to succeed. And that's true for much more than dating. We must learn to behave to get a job, make friends, and accomplish most anything else with other people.
Perhaps that's just more obvious to someone like me because I started out handicapped in that regard. But now, at age 51, the playing field for me has mostly leveled out.
Anastasia, Chumplet, Jess and a few others chimed in to remind us that there are plenty of emotionally sensitive people who are drawn to sweet logical folks like us. It's encouraging to think there are more out there.
Kanani points out that physical attraction is essential, too. I can't argue with that.
ThereseC pointed out the things she felt made her second marriage work. They were:
Her mate treats her with respect
Her mate treats her kids (from the first marriage) like they were his own (presumably, in a good way!)
She and her mate have similar money management styles
Finally, she and her mate have similar parenting styles.
Reading all that, I am struck by one thing . . . this mate acquisition stuff is really complicated!!
But I will try to sum it up.
1 - We (Aspergians) (humans) need to learn how to behave, so as not to drive people away and indeed to make ourselves interesting to others. That is step one, in mate acquisition.
2 - We need to place ourselves in the path of potential mates. For some of us, that may be the Science Fiction Society, for others it may be the church social. Some of us want people who are like us, while others want people who are different.
3 - When we meet someone, we have to recognize that we may not be the only "blind" one entering the relationship. We may be blind to nonverbal cues, but our potential partner may see us through rose colored glasses and thereby be blind to something equally important about us. And that "something" could be anything at all, so we have to be doubly vigilant about what both parties need and whether both can provide what the other person is seeking.
4 - To do that, we need to figure out (by various means) what the other person needs, and ask ourselves if we can provide it, as well as asking if they can meet our needs. Before that, we need a sense of what our needs are. Perhaps those things can only be answered by life experience, but we need to be aware of their importance. At the same time, we need to feel attracted and drawn to the other person.
5 - As a relationship develops, we need to sense whether we are compatible in the big things. As Therese pointed out, shared spiritual values, life philosophy, mutual respect, kid management and money management are biggies for most, but there are others that vary from person to person.
So how do we do those things, and what else do you add to that list?
I think steps one and two are really under our control. We absolutely have the ability to teach ourselves how to behave, and we can place ourselves out there in the flow of humanity, where passing potential mates can spot us.
But getting from there to step three takes a bit of luck, or divine intervention, or whatever else you believe in.
There's really nothing we can do to MAKE someone else like us. It has to happen naturally. Still, I believe luck favors those who are prepared. The better a job you do with 1 and 2, the better your chances of attaining step 3.
So how do we do it, and is our situation really different from neurotypical people?
