This week, I went to two Christmas parties, and they could not have been more different. I'll describe the first one here, and the second one in my next post.
The first should have been the best, or at least the most lavish, as it was hosted by one of our leading banks. It's always drawn the movers and shakers from the local business world, and it's traditionally featured soft music, good wines, fine catered food, and a relaxed moneyed atmosphere.
Not this year.
As soon as I walked into the room, I felt something in the air. My neck and shoulders began tensing up. Ill feelings were swirling all around. Anxiety, terror, depression. Every bad emotion you can name was out there that night. The prior year's feelings of warmth, pride and even common greed were long gone.
"Things are going to get worse before they get better," was a common sentiment as I walked the room. Unsaid was the harsh reality, If things get worse, I'll be wiped out. I circulated around the room, talking to people, looking for someone bright and happy to erase the anxiety that was overcoming me.
There was no such person to be found. Instead, I saw people presenting what some call "brave fronts" and I call fake smiles as they tried to look happy amidst a bad situation. I heard talk of layoffs, losses, lack of business and worry. The pride and happiness of years past has been replaced by anxiety and a vague wish that some of us will make it through to next year.
For some, the hope was gone, replaced by resignation and sadness. Overlaying it all was that veneer of false jollity and cheer. Of course, if you asked the people if they felt that way, they'd deny it and many would act affronted. Still, I believe it to be true. As an Aspergian, I don't generally show false feelings. Not wanting to be a hypocrite, I simply cancelled my own Christmas party.
The whole experience made me feel awful. But, why, you may ask? Why would a person with Asperger's who's supposedly blind to the non-verbal signals from others pick emotions like this up?
I'll throw out an idea for discussion . . . .
Fear and threats are sensed at a very low level in the brain, in the amygdala. Subtleties of expression, in contrast, are sensed and interpreted through the mirror neuron network in the frontal lobes.
I don't seem to have any impairment of function in my amygdala. My ability to sense threats is excellent. It's what kept me alive, back when I was a feral teenager living in the woods playing rock'n'roll and riding with outlaw bikers. It continues to keep me safe today, even though the threats are not so blatant.
I have never had a problem sensing threatening or dangerous environments. My problem has always been the finer interpretation of one-on-one interactions. That's the province of those mirror neurons and they are my weakness. At least, that's what the scientists tell me.
I think an imbalance between amygdala and mirror neuron function may contribute to my periodic feelings of isolation, sadness, and depression. The amygdala is very quick to sense threats and "bad" environments. So it's got the ability to set me on edge, or put me on guard, or in this case, just bring me down. With all the fear and anxiety in the world right now, that's a big problem for me, and I wrote about that very topic a few weeks back.
But what brings me back up? Maybe nothing - and perhaps that's part of my problem. It's possible that happy feelings are supposed to come to me through that mirror neuron network, and that's weak in me. So when people smile at me, I don't really smile back, and the interchange does not improve my mood the way it does with neurotypicals. The amygdala brings me down, and the mirror neurons fail to bring me up. That's an interesting possibility.
People say the amygdala drives other emotions, including desire or jealousy or pleasure, and that may be true. However, I've never seen a room filled with joy and happiness, whereas I've been in many rooms filled with threat and menace. Is that my own blindness to a positive feeling? Somehow, I don't think so. So for me, that amygdala seems to pull me down a lot more than it pulls me up. I think joy-filled rooms probably exist somewhere, but they are a lot rarer than angst and worry and fear filled rooms.
Look at any news media if you doubt that, and compare the number of "bad" items to the number of "good" items. Given that ratio, if good news brought us up, and bad news knocked us down in the same ratio, we'd all be depressed. But we're not. So there must be more to it.
Maybe my brain is more like that of an animal . . . maybe I have the same ability to sense a threat as a wolf or a bobcat, and maybe both the animals and me lack the ability to sense the more subtle positive feelings. Temple Grandin once suggested to me that autistic people have a lot in common with animals that way.
Since I can't find a wellspring of good feeling to bring my mood up, I try and use logic. For example, I tell myself that my own company has a bright future in this recession/depression, compared to other companies around me. When the economy dips, car sales fall, and car service rises. Since we rely on service, we're looking pretty good right now. For the same reason, electricians that do repairs, and plumbers who clean drains are looking good too.
And indeed there is no reason for me to feel fear for myself at this moment. The threats to me are vague and ill-defined, and I don't think they are mortal. I wish I could say the same for some of the others around me, though. And that gets me started. What about the dealership people? What about the electricians and plumbers who work new construction? My prediction . . . many of them will see years with little to no work, and many will fail. It's a very different world out there now. Those of us who maintain the things people already have, have work. Those who make or sell new things may not be so lucky.
I sense the fear in those people, and it brings me back down whenever I talk to them.
We talk about a bailout for GM as if it may fix everything in the car business. Don't get your hopes up. According to Automotive News, all the carmakers are hurting. For November, Toyota was off 30%, Nissan was down almost 40%. Bailing out the Big Three won't make a frightened public buy more new cars. All it does is keep some of the players in the game.
With all that, it's no wonder the first party made me sick.
I'll tell you about my next Christmas party in my next post.
