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I will never forget my very first swim meet. I was 6, standing on the block overlooking what seemed like an ocean, holding my ears. Truth is, I was more afraid of the sound of the starting gun than the race itself. But when the bang went off, I jumped into the pool and swam hard.
I can't help but compare that moment to new motherhood. There's so much anticipation and fear of the unknown. And then, you give birth, and all of the sudden, you're off and running. It is sink or swim. At least, that's what my initiation felt like in the months after I delivered our twins. They were just ten weeks old when my husband and I packed up our Manhattan apartment and headed to Los Angeles for a new job. I found myself in a strange city, with no family and few friends overwhelmed by my new role as a mom. I had left behind New York City and a career in TV news that I had worked more than 15 years to pursue.
It was rough.
But like an athlete bouncing back from a setback, what I learned in that especially difficult first year of motherhood is that I could handle it. All the times that I hopped in the car alone to navigate unfamiliar freeways to make it to a Mommy and Me class with my two newborns or made my sleep deprived self get dressed to go network with former colleagues in hopes of returning to my professional life, I kept going. I did not know what I wanted exactly. But I knew I wanted to get my bearings back and feel like my former self. I inadvertently used the opportunity to tap into what I really wanted out of my life. I discovered some key things about myself and started to build some new goals around those ideas.
Here are some of them:
I want to be at home with my children and continue to work.
I want to find time to be a better partner to my husband.
I want to set an example for my family by exercising and providing healthful meals.
I want to find flexible and fulfilling work that really capitalizes on my core skills.
I want to write.
I want to give back to the world around me.
I've since learned, this is the same process many competitive athletes go through when identifying their vision for their long-term goals. Whether it's sticking to a training regimen, pushing through a tough practice or finishing the race, they focus on the values behind their goals and remind themselves of those over and over.
Dr. Dave Yukelson, Ph.D., the longtime director of sports psychology at Penn State University, says this basic principle applies to moms. Motherhood can give us the rare chance to reexamine our priorities and hone in what really gives us passion and purpose. We must get in touch with what really matters first before we can channel our energies into specific goals.
Once you zero in on your passion, Yukelson explains, "It's about how do I adapt and keep focused and sustain that focus so that by the time 9pm comes around, I know I can do it all over again tomorrow."
And a big part of getting in touch with the life you want to have is filtering out the "perfect mom" messages we get from the world around us.
"As a mom, there can be a lot of distraction from other moms and media about how to be the best parent. I tend to stick to my game plan and stay focused on consistent execution," says Ashley Mahaffey a mom of two young children who owns a personal training business in San Diego, CA.
Mahaffey often draws on the experience of coaching college lacrosse to keep her focus. As an assistant coach in 1994, she led the Princeton University women to a N.C.A.A. championship title. Back then, she encouraged the players to look inward at their personal goals instead of obsessing about the other team. She told them to think about their performance in terms of "being the best of what they were built to do...being the best athletes they could be." It's the same approach that keeps her rooted whether she's training for a triathlon, setting a routine for her kids or keeping the laundry under control.
Sports psychologist Dr. Gregg Steinberg, Ph.D., author of the new book Full Throttle, says concentrating on personal strengths and skills can help both athletes and moms reach their peak potential.
"When you value your own personal self worth, as opposed to external reward, the outcome is persistence, confidence and motivation," says Steinberg who is a tenured professor in human performance at Austin Peay State University, just outside Nashville, TN.
"You will become a better mom, not being the best mom by external standards, but being the best mom YOU can be," Steinberg explains.
One exercise he suggests in his book is to write a simple purpose statement that describes your vision for having a meaningful life. Then, list the top 10 values that matter most to you. They could be anything from helping others to being creative to earning a paycheck. What gives you joy and personal gratification? Use those points as a road map to assess what you need to be fulfilled as a mother and as a whole person.
Being the best starts with giving yourself permission to evaluate what it is you want out of the motherhood marathon and putting value in the role itself and the work that comes with it. Next month, I'll explore some ways in which we can draw inspiration from athletes to elevate what we moms do each day to care for our families.
As for my swim meet more than thirty years ago, I didn't come in second or even fourth place as I recall. But I do remember being so proud that I finished despite my fears. And as a mother, there are many nights when I've finally gotten the kids fed, bathed and safely tucked under the covers that I feel equally victorious.
