When it comes to our parents, our fears typically fall into two categories: the biggest fear we have for our parents as they age, and the biggest fear we have for ourselves as our parents get older. Think about it. Every relationship we're in has two components, and one of them is always us.
For many of us, we learn from our parents how they handle life. We watch and learn or they impart their knowledge (or strategies, or whatever you choose to call it!) on us and we learn. Or we don't learn. Or we reject what they offer. Or we decide at some point, I'm going to do it my way. Which is good. (We are separate human beings, after all; adults.) Maybe you never see your parents, or maybe you see them daily and share everything about your lives. You see them, you believe, as peers.
And then one day something changes.
It could happen like this:
Your cell phone rings. It's the hospital, a nurse. Your 67 year-old mother fell in the garden. She was pulling weeds and tripped. She's going to be fine, just a few stitches on her forehead. Can you come get her? Oh, and the doctor says she should get checked for cataracts.
Or this:
Your 70-year-old dad calls. The television won't work. He's tried everything, even putting new batteries in the clicker. He's incensed; that new flat screen isn't as good as the old black and white you made him get rid of. You pick up the kids from school, drive over and sure enough, the set doesn't work. As you're leaving you notice an unpaid cable bill stamped "final notice" in the wastebasket and realize the account has been in arrears for months.
It even happens when you think you're on top of things, doing everything right:
Your parents have lived with you ever since they moved from out of state. It's best this way, since you can keep your eye on them as they slow down. It's perfect, since you work at home and they help with the twins. Your dad still drives and picks the kids up from school, then takes them to Friendly's for ice cream. One day your mother refuses to get in the car with him. "He's trying to kidnap me," she says adamantly, over and over again. Your father is practically in tears. It makes no sense. This year they'll be married for 50 years; why just last week she was planning the celebration. And while you're trying to console him and reason with her, your kids still need a ride home.
Or maybe this change has nothing to do with health at all:
Your parents invest in a restaurant your sibling wants to open, then lose everything. They go from comfortably middle-class to worrying their home is going to be foreclosed and they'll have nowhere to go.
Perhaps it has to do with a second spouse:
Your youngest sister calls in a huff about your father's will. She's always in a huff so you don't listen at first. But then she tells you that your father is considering rewriting his will to include his second wife's children, who are all grown and with families of their own. You're ashamed to say how angry you are, especially when your sister mentions that being the oldest you should have talked to him about this because everyone saw it coming!
Now answer The Two Questions. Don't ponder too long. Maybe jot down what immediately comes to mind (and please, don't judge yourself for what you write!):
What is your biggest fear for your parents as they age? What is your biggest fear for you as your parents age?
Next time: How to cultivate perspective in order to determine how to respond.
