Sometimes, adult children don't even realize these attachments to a parent are interfering with their current-day relationships. When a parent is chronically ill it can feel like there is no end in sight--not only to the adult child and the parent...but to the spouse/partner.

If you are identifying, or worried this might be you, or if you think your spouse or significant other would say they feel like I've described above what you live everyday, you are not alone. Our parents are our parents—we care about them, love them. But what good are we to them, ourselves and our other loved ones (not to mention in our work) if we are falling apart on the inside? Find a licensed therapist who can help you reframe the situation. Be gentle with yourself and your spouse. Be honest with yourself and your spouse.

Over the past several years, Alisa Bowman has been examining how to make her marriage better in the face of...life. Her book, Project: Happily Ever After  and award-winning blog of the same name evolved, not because her marriage was perfect—because it very much wasn't.

The beauty of Alisa's book is the complete honesty with which she writes. In a way, this is a book about recovery--relationship recovery—and Alisa employs the "share-experience-strength-hope model" to deliver how she was, how she changed and how her relationship recovered. Take note: she tells all. All. And it is her very honesty that is so endearing. (Ask her husband, Mark.)

I've interviewed Alisa before about keeping couplehood healthy in the face of kids. Read: "If Mama (or Dad) Ain't Happy." Now, here's my interview with Alisa about relationships in the face of caregiving:

Meredith: What are 3 things a spouse might do when his/her in-law is ill. Now, what if their relationship with the in-law is not so well?! What are 3 things they should NEVER do?

Alisa: I think it's important to understand that no one likes to be should upon. Your spouse might deal with his aging parent much differently than you will want to deal with your own. For instance, my husband's father has Alzheimer's disease. When we heard the diagnosis, I suggested to my husband that he might want to spend a month with his dad (who lives far away) and maybe help him refinish an old car (a hobby that both he and his dad share). He just didn't want to do it. I had to back off and realize that what I would want if it were MY dad is different from what my husband would want.

It's our jobs as spouses to listen and to support and to accept. It can be really hard to bite your tongue in these sorts of situations-especially if you are the type of person who is always ready with an opinion. But if your spouse is not seeking your opinion, sometimes it is better to just let it go.

Meredith: How much leeway do you allow yourself when you're feeling over-the-top frustrated with an in-law? What about dealing with someone who is just a little bit impossible—when your spouse can't, or won't, or doesn't know how.

Alisa: I think this depends on whether it affects you or not. I wouldn't recommend stepping in as a favor for your spouse. That creates a parent-child relationship in your marriage. That said, if your in-law is treating you badly, you can certainly be assertive and stick up for yourself.

As you do so, it's important to remember that most people are not nasty on purpose. They usually are not trying to make you feel bad. Their nastiness is often caused by some sort of delusion-a delusion that is already creating a lot of unhappiness for them.

Whenever I want to confront someone, I meditate first. During the meditation I think about this person until I can feel compassionate towards them. These meditations can take a long time! But then I try to carry that sense of compassion into the conversation I have with the person. I find my conversations always go better when they start from a compassionate place.

I also think it helps to ask questions. So often we come at issues in a combative way. But it can help to realize that we don't have all the answers and we don't know what is motivating this irritating in law. So you might start with something like this, "Whenever I made dinner, you complain about my cooking. Could you tell me more about that? What motivates you to say these things? Do you intend to hurt me?"

Meredith: Is there anything else you'd like to add?

Alisa: We often resist what is good for us. Just as many of us resist going to the gym, we also resist forgiveness, assertiveness, and humility. We desire to get even-even though anger makes our lives more difficult. We put off the alternative-even though it makes our lives happier and easier.
Think about "What's wrong? What is the problem? Try to see this honestly and transparently. You're going to want to lie to yourself and deny some of the problems that exist. They're painful. They're embarrassing. They cause you to feel like a failure or inadequate in some way. Yet the first step is facing those problems and seeing them clearly.

Visit Alisa's blog at Psychology Today.