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It’s really important to get straight on what babies need before having one. Read More
Dr. Narvaez, Thank you for
Dr. Narvaez,
Thank you for the great work that you do. I find it both informative and inspiring to me as a parent. I have a question relating to parenting advice given in well-baby checkups. I have been concerned with the number of pediatricians who give the opposite advice to my friends. They advise cry it out and similar methods that seem out of sync with research. It concerns me greatly at the amount of suffering this causes to babies. I am wondering if you see that trend beginning to reverse (I am hoping it is more limited to my geographic location), or if you think it will continue to be an issue?
Thank you again for all of your good work.
Kristin
Pediatrician advice not always informed
Hi, Kristin,
Thanks for your encouragement!
I just heard a couple days ago from from a psychologist friend of mine that when she asked her pediatrician about her 2-month-old's sleeping difficulties (she will only sleep if in physical contact with mom--a baby that knows what she needs!) the doctor said she should let the baby cry it out!! So there are very misinformed doctors. Maybe they are worried about moms becoming abusive from being over tired from lack of sleep. They have also painted themselves into a corner by recommending against co-sleeping (which babies expect and need). I don't know why they are so uninformed (they are also seemingly ignorant about the dangers of formula usage). My friend knew better, being a psychologist, but she didn't say anything.
That's just an anecdote so I don't know what the trend is. But it looks like there is a lot of word to do.
Darcia
Sleep..
I just heard a couple days ago from from a psychologist friend of mine that when she asked her pediatrician about her 2-month-old's sleeping difficulties (she will only sleep if in physical contact with mom--a baby that knows what she needs!) the doctor said she should let the baby cry it out!! So there are very misinformed doctors. Maybe they are worried about moms becoming abusive from being over tired from lack of sleep.
My son (10 weeks) sleeps just fine in his crib by himself. There is no crying. He doesn't wake up screaming because he's been asleep that long. As soon as we start to hear him squirm (through the monitor), we make him a bottle (gasp-formula!) and go get him. ABUSIVE? Really? That's not the only ramification of being tired. Being tired leads to poor work performance, headaches, a weakened immune system, sluggish reactions, and just poor general health. For me personally, if I don't get at least 5 or 6 consecutive hours of sleep at night, I get nauseous during the day and am generally unable to perform up to standard. We had a very hard time with my first waking up every 3-4 hours to eat. Luckily, my husband can handle it better and we just had to find a schedule that worked for us.
You, you, you.
Anon, if you couldn't afford to lose the sleep, and were too selfish to breastfeed, you should have gotten a fish. Did you not read the article at all?
Sure, YOU need sleep. YOU need your own bed. YOU need to work. YOU needed your body back. What about your son? Who looks out for HIS needs? Sounds like no-one. Poor baby.
Know Facts Before You Judge
Sure, YOU need sleep. YOU need your own bed. YOU need to work. YOU needed your body back. What about your son? Who looks out for HIS needs? Sounds like no-one. Poor baby.
Eh, I don't care for fish. Thanks though.
Me not being able to breastfeed has NOTHING to do with being selfish. My breasts did not form milk ducts as they were supposed to. YOU didn't have to sit and hold a squirmy, hungry baby and CRY because you couldn't comfort him with your breast. I literally cried for weeks EVERY time he was hungry because I couldn't provide immediate relief for him- he had to wait a few minutes for the bottle to warm. Did I feel insufficient as a mother at times? Yes, but there was nothing I could do about it. So before you judge, know the facts.
Yes, EVERYONE needs sleep for their well-being. BABIES need sleep for their well-being. Did I fully anticipate to be up with my son during the night for a few months? Sure! Do I resent him for it one bit? No! Am I angry if he wakes me up at night? Hell no. I enjoy every single second I spend with him, no matter the time of day. My son sleeps MUCH more soundly in his OWN bed (or swing). He gets a much higher quality of sleep, and is happier in his waking hours because of it. It has nothing to do with ME wanting to sleep in MY bed. It's the fact that HE sleeps better in HIS.
Yes, I DO NEED TO WORK. Some people may be more fortunate, but in this economy, I have to have a part-time job for supplemental income. My children stay with my grandmother, and she spoils them rotten. That should make you happy.
Hey S.W., way to be
Hey S.W., way to be self-righteous and generalize. I couldn't produce breast milk, and it wasn't for lack of trying. Some people need to give their babies formula. Some people have legitimate medical conditions and their bodies require more down-time than others. Should those of us whose breasts refuse to produce milk even after weeks of lactation appointments, herbal remedies, and constant trying, not be allowed to have a second child? Should we be tested before we are allowed to become pregnant at all to make sure we won't have to rely on (gasp) horrible formula? Should people whose bodies require more rest not be allowed to have children, even if their partners are there to take up the slack?
Get over yourself.
Well said
Well said, Real Mom. It can be so hard to be a parent these days, but know that there are lots of us out there who think like you. Keep up the good work, I want a future full of children raised by people like you :)
Wow...
What a self-righteous, holier-than-thou person you are. Many women are not able to BF due to medical problems...like me. I went through a long period of beating myself up over having to use formula, but eventually figured out that medical problems that are beyond my control do not mean that I'm a bad mother. Maybe before you judge people you should just stop and keep your opinion to yourself. People who don't breastfeed are not "selfish." But people who judge others because of them not breastfeeding are just assholes.
sounds like you should have gotten a dog
why are you even posting here? you chose not to breastfeed and you chose not to co-sleep clearly your concerns are about yourself and not your babies positive upbringing
Sounds like you are self-righteous and arrogant!
Wow, do you think you could be any more self-righteous and judgmental? While I breastfed and co-slept with my children, it does not automatically make a woman a bad mother if she does not. Some women cannot produce enough breastmilk to nourish their children adequately. Is it better for their children to starve rather than use formula? If your bed is not large enough for co-sleeping without risking rolling over on your child and suffocating it, it is better for the child to sleep in separate bed. Some women have to work for their families to survive, so yes, they need to rely on the father to take care of some of the feedings and night wakings. Finally, just because they don't agree with you doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to post here!
Fouton mattress on the floor
That is why you get a fouton mattress and put it on the floor. Baby is very safe this way and HAPPY as can be! I'm horrified picturing a baby new to this world alone in the dark some where! especially in another room! babies of mammals are always snuggled with mom! Your body is your babies home.
O-M-G
All i have to say is - OH MY GOD! i feel so sorry for your baby! being made to sleep in it's OWN ROOM?! do you not KNOW the guidelines for avoiding cot death?! a child should sleep IN THE ROOM with you until 6 months of age! whether it's in or out of your bed doesn't matter (it does but...). your child needs to hear your breathing while it sleeps so it can regulate it's own breathing to yours so it doesn't forget to KEEP breasthing! i CANNOT believe your child is not only given junk food (which makes it 56% more likely to die of cot death anyway) but you also have it in it's own room???? omg...
holy hell
According to you (and others on here) not only am I a HORRIBLE SELFISH ABUSIVE mother but I was raised by one as well....Hate to break it to you but I formula fed my kids, had them sleep in their own bassinets/cribs and moved them to their own room after the first week and they are all healthy, happy, well adjusted and smart (our 5 year old's Kindergarten teacher just talked to us about skipping our daughter up a grade) We are always getting compliments on how sweet and mannered our children are.
They aren't damaged emotionally, they aren't obese and none of them have died. They are happy normal children who love their parents and their parents love them.
So get off you're judgmental self-righteous high horse and give other moms a break. it's a hard job parenting and the last thing people need is douche bags like you guys saying horrible abusive things about us mothers who don't follow your rules on parenting. My grandma had 9 kids and they all turned out great. I'd like to hear what she'd say about all this stuff considering that according to you guys she should have been breastfeeding for over 12 years straight and co sleeping with up to 5 kids at a time.....
Wow, your Kindergartner is
Wow, your Kindergartner is soooo smart knowing the basic 123's and ABC's, imagine how much more intelligent she would be if you had given her breast milk (which, if you had read the article is discussed at length about wet-nurses, donated milk etc.).
Doctors are not taught this in med school
Doctors do not learn much about infant sleep or breastfeeding in med school. Most of the advice they give is the same advice they received culturally, so if they are older, they came up in a time when everyone was advised to let their babies cry it out. Better to look to developmental psychologists; this is what they study all the time. The best resource for research on how infants need to sleep is Dr. James McKenna, also at Notre Dame: http://cosleeping.nd.edu/
Dr. Narvaez,
Thanks for another great blog post. I see a lot of expectant parents in my job, and sometimes I wince at their expectations: baby will sleep peacefully all night in another room, they will leave baby for hours on end at a few weeks old so that mom can "get some alone time," baby will lie calmly in his car seat, etc. I often want to suggest that they get a cat instead - though even most cats will demand to sleep in the adult bed! I know these same parents feel like "failures" when their babies meet none of their expectations, but really, they are not failures at all. Their babies are just normal and human!
I wish more parents knew how EASY physiologic and evolutionary parenting can be. I was never sleep-deprived because my babies slept with me. Sure, I had a baby attached to me a lot of the first year, but who wouldn't want a warm, sweet baby to snuggle with?
Perhaps there are children
Perhaps there are children who sleep best with their parents, but neither of mine do. My oldest slept with my husband (we only had 2 full-sized beds at the time, so all 3 of us wouldn't fit) for almost a year and woke up every 3 hours. We finally had to make him sleep in his own bed and let him cry it out when he woke up. It would have been much easier to start him out in his own bed when he was younger and let him get used to it then waiting until he is a year old. We decided to do it differently with my youngest, and when he goes to sleep, he is put in his swing or in his crib (in his room). He sleeps much better and sounder than my oldest ever did. Maybe there are some babies that sleep well with their parents, but neither of mine do. My husband went out of town for work for a week a few weeks ago, so I let my 10 week old sleep with me. He went from sleeping 7-8 hours at a time (in his room) to not sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. He was cranky during the day from not getting quality sleep at night. So for me, it is not that I'm selfish and want more sleep, I just feel that my son is much happier in his own room where he is able to sleep peacefully.
Sleeping soundly may be good
Sleeping soundly may be good for parents, but it is not only bad for babies, it's dangerous for them. babies who have long period of sound sleep are at much higher risk for SIDS. We've been trained to think it's good for a baby to sleep deeply for hours but it isn't. It is totally normal and far better/safer for babies to wake regularly and frequently.
This is confusing. Why did
This is confusing. Why did you "let" your 10 week old start co-sleeping with you when he was doing so well on his own?
Since you must know
Why do people have to read into everything so much? Like your quotes around "let". Ridiculous. Anyways, moving on..
My husband went out of town, as stated. He is the one that gets up with him, therefore more sensitive to his little sounds. I put him in the room with me to ensure that I'd hear him when he started to wake (before he started crying).
Sorry but have you BEEN to
Sorry but have you BEEN to med school?
Doctors learn plenty about both infant sleep and breastfeeding. Also enough to know that cosleeping strongly increases the risk of SIDS. No matter how 'warm and snuggly' the baby might be.
Re: Sorry but have you BEEN to
I'm afraid you've got it backwards. There is absolutely no evidence that infants co-sleeping with breastfeeding mothers who do not smoke or drink, take depressive medications, and are of a 'normal' weight "strongly increases the risk of SIDS." None.
There is, however, growing interest that co-sleeping and breastfeeding seems to REDUCE the incidence of SIDS, due to several reasons: mother's body temperature may fluctuate to regulate her baby's temp to avoid overheating or chill; mother's respiratory rate influences baby's breathing rate; baby sleeps slightly less deeply as he regularly stirs to start nursing without having to awaken to a crying state; blood sugar levels remains more steady.
Here's a 2010 paper that discusses some of these. http://cosleeping.nd.edu/assets/33678/mckenna_gettlerangxp.pdf Do a Pubmed search, or at the very least, a Google search, or go to a university library and start reading up on this. Btw, the AAP states that mothers who SMOKE should not co-sleep. Don't like it? Don't do it. But don't badmouth it when it clearly has advantages.
Oooh! Dr. McKenna... an
Oooh! Dr. McKenna... an anthropologist? Really? THAT'S your infallible expert in pediatric sleep care? Color me unconvinced.
I HAVE done the pubmed searches and the truth is that co-sleeping does not have anywhere near the scientific backing its AP proponents claim. While it is true that the lifestyle choices of not smoking, not being medicated, breastfeeding, etc. do make any risks of co-sleeping insignificant, those lifestyle factors could very well be the confounding cause for ANY purported benefit of co-sleeping!
I chose to partially co-sleep with my baby to aid with breastfeeding. I plan on trying to do less of it with my next baby after 4 months because I've seen the problems it can cause with poor sleep associations in late infancy and toddlerhood. It is one thing to say that different situations and different families warrant different, not "mainstream" choices; it's another thing to lie and exaggerate to make your choice seem unequivocally superior. But, such is the pathetic need of attachment parents...
Wow
Wow is this article ever offensive! I am all for making child rearing a priority and agree that our culture does little to support women in this all important commitment, however, telling women they are unfit to care for any mammal if they cannot fulfill all of your listed ideals for parenting is insulting to our natural caregiver instinct and to the resilience of mankind.
Of coarse all of your points are debatable, for example, for every scientific study showing that formula is bad for babies there are just as many that show it is not harmful and that formula fed babies perform just as well on all domains as breast fed babies when you control for factors like parents level of education and access to healthcare. I am not here to argue that formula is just as good as breast milk, however, or to debate any of your studied opinions. I rather take issue with the smug, self-serving way you choose to convey your advice which supposedly is based on an understanding of human psychology yet dismisses a core trait of human psychological development which is our natural capacity towards healthy adaptation. To suggest babies cannot thrive under a variety of child rearing practices is ignorant to the adaptability and psychological ingenuity that makes us human. Likewise to attack women who do not ascribe to your attachment theory views by calling them unfit mothers is ignorant to the immense shaping power of a mother's love for her child as something that is naturally conveyed no matter what academic child rearing practice she undertakes.
Obviously, breast milk is designed by nature to best meet out babies nutritional needs but to tell a woman who for medical reasons needs to formula feed her child that she is practicing a form of starvation is ridiculous and not at all helpful for actually overcoming the social barriers that continue to prevent some women from embracing breast feeding as a first choice.
To suggest women who can't be with their baby 24 hours a day are bad moms is also unjustifiably harsh and unhelpful towards the development of a society more supportive of women"s mothering role. I am a new mom and I have to work at least part time so may husband and I can afford to feed our child a healthy diet as he grows and provide him with other basic necessities. I do not rush off to work because I place more value on material goods than I do on being home with my child and I do not think my economic need to work should preclude me from becoming a parent on the grounds of selfishness. My son is a happy healthy baby who is constantly smiling and laughing. I love him more than life itself and as long as that message gets across to him, I am confident he will grow to be a well adjusted child and adult.
Stress is a factor in pregnancy but it is also a fact of life. My friend lost her husband when she was 7 months pregnant. She was forced to endure this pain and stress while carrying her baby. Should I have told her that her baby will likely have anxiety and other negative traits due to her inability to avoid stress while pregnant? Give me a break! Humans have enormous capacity for enduring trauma and still maintaining psychological well being.
Babies who are truly loved have odds in their favor that they will be well adjusted humans no matter if they were raised in perfect child rearing fashion. THIS is the message we need to be sending women. Sure, educate them with advice on best practices, encourage them to do their own research, but most of all assure them that even if things don't go perfectly to plan there is nothing more natural and more positively influential on a child's well being than a mother's love. To tell a mother who loves her child unconditionally that she is an unfit mother if she can't uphold conditionally rigid child rearing practices is in my opinion a form of psychological abuse. Without this compassion for womankind perhaps you are unfit to give advice to humans and should stick to areas where rigid rules better apply...like how to best train a goldfish. As long as they are loved unconditionally and are provided with basic nutrition, healthy, happy children have regularly emerged and will continue to emerge from all varieties of child rearing practice..... does that bug you?
Ridiculous
Ha. I loved your entire comment, but that really made me giggle.
This article is absolutely appalling. I am at WORK so I don't have time to sit and write a novel (as much as I'd love to), but I must just tell you that I'm absolutely disgusted. Being one of the mothers who is physically unable to breastfeed, I find it very degrading that you'd say formula is a "starvation diet". Surely you must be joking. I'll just let you read the post above mine, because it's everything I'd say regarding formula and breastfeeding.
Also, to touch on "relaxation while pregnant" as you said: when I was pregnant with my oldest, I lived on a mountain (literally). I had no worries. I didn't have to work- no other kids to take chase around. However, when I was pregnant with my second, I worked, kept up with a 1 year old, bought and moved into a new house in a different state, and had a much, much more fast paced (and stressful) pregnancy. My firstborn is MUCH more high-strung than my second. My youngest is very easy-going and easier to care for in general than my oldest.
How ridiculous to say babies should be "being carried and held by whomever is around" and should have "social sleep (on or next to someone)". We did both of these things with my first (unintentionally, really, but he was our first child and the first grandchild in the family). My second, however, we don't cater to as much. Do we comfort him when needed? Absolutely. Do I rock him to sleep? Absolutely. Do I make sure every one of his needs are met? Absolutely. Do I leave him in his swing provided he is content, lay him on his play mat to kick around, and let him sleep in his own bed at night? Absolutely. Stats: My oldest didn't sleep through the night until he was 10 months old. My second is already sleeping 7 and 8 hours at a time (at 10 weeks). My first is so spoiled and thinks the world revolves around him. I realize some of this just simply has to do with personality, but it disproves many of your ridiculous theories.
It's nice how you are a "psychologist" and are so concerned about children, but obviously didn't think how this would effect the mothers who read it. I have much more to say, but I have to go back to work to provide for my children.
You said you can't
You said you can't breastfeed, physically, but you don't state why? I see this a lot with women who claim "not able to breastfeed." Educated women are more likely to breastfeed and I think a lot of people who choose formula still aren't informed enough about how beneficial breastfeeding is. Doctors, and society are more likely to tell you not to worry that you aren't breastfeeding than to say you are doing a great job nursing your baby. Breastfeeding women lack social support for nursing and they feed their babies, (....shh all by themselves). "Less than five percent of the U.S. population can't breastfeed," NE, Wight, neonatologist, "And babies not being breastfed has great costs to society. This is a public health issue, not just a lifestyle choice. It's like car seats and immunizations. If a mom chooses not to use a car seat and something happens to her child, of course she'll feel guilty. If we inform women of the risks of not breastfeeding, and women make a different choice, they need to understand there will be repercussions. If your doctor tells you to lose weight or manage your cholesterol and you don't, and you feel guilty, is that guilt such a bad thing?"
So although this is a psychology article you are a free able-bodied adult who a little breatfeeding guilt will not damage...the babies however are helpless creatures who need and deserve protection and the best chance at life, from the beginning.
Insufficient milk supply is quite rare, and usually caused by 'mismanagement,' lactation-speak for human error(pacifier, not feeding on cue etc, and not correcting a latch that is incorrect and painful.
YOU SAID: "Less than five
YOU SAID: "Less than five percent of the U.S. population can't breastfeed," HELLO???? That is one in 20 women. 5% of pregnant women are diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Shall we start second-guessing them? Tell them that they are just 'uneducated' and pretend that they don't exist?
I can not physically breast feed. Full stop. I do not in anyway have to explain myself to you.
Thanks
I can not physically breast feed. Full stop. I do not in anyway have to explain myself to you.
Very well said. I can not breastfeed, and it is not because I am "ill-informed". I cried for weeks about my inability to breastfeed after trying everything. Doner milk isn't available here, and even if it was, I'd still have to warm it and go through the "bottle" process. It hurts to not be able to immediately soothe your baby when he's hungry. Don't assume.
How about some tolerance and support?
I couldn't breastfeed either, and believe me I did *everything* I possibly could with the knowledge and support I had at the time. I ended up expressing and bottle feeding what little milk I was able to squeeze out, until I had nothing left by the time my daughter was 8 weeks old. I was spending 16 hours a day trying to breastfeed, expressing, bottle-feeding the expressed milk, washing and sterilising bottles, and I still had to top up with formula. When did I sleep? Almost never. But I did hallucinate from lack of sleep. There's an achievement.
It turned out that she had tongue-tie which was discovered by a new doctor when she was 9 months old. The doctor asked if we had trouble attaching (which we did), well there's a big part of the problem. Why did nobody pick that up earlier? On top of that, I was so distressed about the breastfeeding problems, that I developed postpartum depression and severe anxiety, which apparently contributed to my milk drying up. Again, something that wasn't picked up on at the time. I hated myself for formula feeding, and articles like this that refer to it as a starvation diet don't help.
I eventually found peace with it, because my daughter was healthy, happy, and grew beautifully. She is now 8 years old, a healthy weight, fit and active, has no allergies, no asthma, and is highly intelligent which may come as a surprise to the anti-formula crowd, because we all know that formula-fed babies turn out to be fat, asthmatic and allergic to everything, with below average intelligence... right?
Why are people so judgmental of mothers? It amazes me that other mothers are so critical of each other. Never, at any point in our lives, are we so judged by all and sundry as when we are mothering small babies. How about supporting each other to do the best we can with what we've got? If you breastfeed and co-sleep, good for you, if you don't, then good for you too. If mother and baby are both happy, and bonded to each other, isn't that what's most important?
I didn't say less than 5% of
I didn't say less than 5% of mothers can't physically breastfeed. It was a quote. Look at the studies...Education is one of the strongest predictors for exclusive and extended breastfeeding. Like you said you did what you could at the time...If you known better -you may have noticed her latch tongue tied problems etc. That's all I was saying. Of course formula has its place! I am so happy that when woman are struggling with nursing or cannot nurse they have an option to turn to. I was just curious to see that people didn't say I have HIV so I can't nurse, or I have a glandular deficit so I can't nurse, or I am taking X radioactive or other medication so I can't nurse. If you choose not to breastfeed, not to notice and correct a tongue tie these ARE VALID choices too! But own them as choices...Also I find it hard to believe that the less than 5% of people who can't nurse found this comment.
No, you weren't "curious" why
No, you weren't "curious" why non-breastfeeders weren't breastfeeding, you were being incredibly judgmental (like Darcia) about women who can't breastfeed. Don't back pedal -- your original comment is right there for all to see. When a woman says she can't breastfeed, she doesn't have to put her reasons out there for people like you to judge (which you do).
Formula is not a starvation diet and does not "have consequences". Some babies who were very unhealthy at birth may do better with breastmilk, but that does not mean -- as scare-mongers like Darcia Narvaez will have you believe -- that formula is bad for babies. My daughter has a strong body, brain, and mind, just like all other formula fed toddlers. Rarely gets sick, and on the couple of occasions when she has been sick, her kick-butt immune system made it so that she only had a slight sniffle. Despite your best effort to scare people into believing otherwise, the difficult (for you) fact is that formula fed children are thriving, smart, healthy, and strong all around you. I don't need a chemical analysis of breastmilk to decide that somehow I made the wrong decision for my baby despite the clear evidence of her robust health.
What a horrific article this is. "Rushing around to make money to look cool and to appear valuable." Are you kidding me? "Her parents came from China to stay for 6 months." And what if your parents are working to, you know, pay their mortgage and eat food and stuff? "Her father does all the cooking and her mother helps with the baby while mom stays home with the baby." Three adults to care for one baby around the clock, and what? One person to work in order to support them all? And if a family doesn't have someone who can bring in the kind of salary that can fully support 3 adults and a baby, well then suggest they get a fish instead, right? One mother from Israel had ecstatic birth experiences, and so therefore we must be doing it wrong here in the US? Great research there.
You have zero perspective, clearly. Unfortunately you come across as the cliched academic who cites research and theory from your ivory tower but has no idea what people's lives are really like. You give psychologists a bad reputation with these articles.
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