Caveat 2: It is popular to think that children are mostly genetic packages of characteristics and that they are resilient and can survive most anything.  But these are mistaken notions. Much of who we become is more epigenetic than genetic---gene expression is shaped by experience and key epigenetics occur in early life. The systems of the body and brain are co-designed by caregivers in early life. When the dynamic system of the individual person is thrown off kilter in early life, in many ways it cannot recover and may end up on a path of increasing distress and disorder (Cole et al., 1994). But the good news is that there are some things that adults can do to heal themselves.

Caveat 3: Although some studies may be examining severely neglected children, such studies offer insight into the mechanisms of what happens under neglect. Just because a person was not documented to be severely neglected does not mean he or she was not undercared for in terms of mammalian needs. There is a spectrum of undercare. Of course much more research needs to be done.

Caveat 4: This account of the things that I did and worked for me are not meant as prescriptions or medical advice. You should see a medical professional if you are having health problems to get a proper diagnosis. The purpose of this post is to provide hope that something can be done to improve mental and physical health after a poor beginning.

What's wrong with parents letting kids cry in distress unconsoled, not touching children much, bullying them, scolding them when they are disappointing, and teaching them to ignore or "suck up" their emotions?

Plenty. A family environment like this provides what I call "undercare," care that does not meet the full needs of a human mammal, leading to brain/body/relational underdevelopment and problems that may not be noticed until later.  This is what happened to me. Yes, bless their hearts, my parents did what they thought was best in the culture of the times. But they undercared for my brain and body, with its consequential effects on my memory and social life, what has taken years to overcome (and some things are not reparable, except perhaps through days spent in deep meditation). Yes, they cared about me, but did not realize that they were practicing physical-emotional neglect for a mammal. I'm afraid that the USA routinely forces and expects most families to provide children with undercare. See more here and here.

What are the needs of the young social mammalian brain and body? Human babies are especially needy since humans are born months earlier than other animals because of head size and getting through the birth canal. Other mammals can move around at birth or soon after.  It takes a human baby around 9 months for that capacity to develop. Meanwhile, the baby's body/brain expects an external womb for that time period if it is to grow optimally (with good health, intelligence and wellbeing).

The external womb includes nearly constant touch, breastfeeding for several years, responsiveness to needs, multiple adult caregivers that make all this possible, and self-directed free play (Hewlett & Lamb, 2005; Konner, 2005; Konner, 2010). Not mentioned but also apparent is a positive social climate in which the child and family are immersed (laughter, joy, playfulness) which grows the positive, prosocial emotion systems that makes life enjoyable. These are practices that characterize societies that live in the same context of 99% of human genus history---small-band hunter gatherers. See more here and here.

What were the consequences of undercare for me? Interestingly, some of these effects were not apparent to me until later in life.

Social Anxiety and Awkwardness

Raised with minimal social nourishment meant that I was socially awkward. Shy and retiring as a child I also had difficulty looking people in the eye. Because of caregiver rejection of my needs in early life (allowing me to cry in distress repeatedly; ignoring my emotional needs), I developed distrust and an intuitive avoidant attachment--- holding people at arm's length and avoiding intimacy. As a result, I couldn't develop close friendships because I was afraid and unskilled, so I had a lonely childhood and adolescence.

• Responsive parenting fosters secure attachment, which allows the child to develop a repertoire of social communication behaviors and the ability to self-soothe through mental representations of caregivers who was always available in early life.
• For the growing mammalian brain, comfort is expressed through positive touch in early life. WIthout it, genes for controlling anxiety may not be turned on, leading to anxiousness with new experiences.
• Chronic stress appears to remodel the brain, creating a hyperreactive amygdala (stress reactivity) and an underdeveloped dysfunctional hippocampus (Grosfarb & Tsai, 2007).

My remedies. Luckily, since I was young I have had a sense of the universe caring for me (like Derrick Jensen, A Language Older Than Words, who describes communicating with and drawing strength from the stars when he was being raped by his father). What I have learned to do as an adult is breathe deeply (here are some guidelines)--- six deep breaths can change your metabolism for the better (Kabat-Zinn, Full Catastrophe Living).  I have learned to let myself feel the anxiety in relationships (get comfortable being uncomfortable, as in intercultural situations). I have to be brave, ignore the anxiousness, to risk intimacy day after day. Early adolescence and/or early adulthood are good times for healing some earlier deficits by being in an enriched supportive social environment.

Social Panic 

Because of the harshness in my family context, my body/mind was conditioned for automatic self-preservational "freezing." I really didn't speak much until after age 30, when I had therapy to unlock my frozen self. If I spoke at all in school, I always had to prepare my sentence before I raised my hand. For decades I would suffer "brain freeze" when a stranger, acquaintance or a teacher asked me a question--deer in headlights freezing.