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Letting babies “cry it out” is an idea that has been around at least since the behaviorist John Watson applied the mechanistic paradigm of behaviorism to child rearing in 1928, the decade when parents began trusting "science" more than their instincts. Read More
meeting a baby's need to be
meeting a baby's need to be fed becuase it is hungry or comforting it when it is distressed is fine in my book... but when a two year old pitches a fit at nap or bed time and crys till mommy or daddy come to check on them, then settles down but refuses to fall asleep, followed by wailing as soon as the parent leaves the room... now that calls for some "letting them cry it out".
You're so right. I make sure
You're so right. I make sure that all of their needs are met. They are fed, dry, and have had plenty of holding and interaction. But when a baby cries when you are holding him and everything else is okay, it's all right to set the baby down for a few minutes. I also agree with your treatment of the two year old - you are training the baby to know what behavior is acceptable, and that is good parenting.
That's not good parenting.
That's not good parenting. The child obviously needs something, even if it is just closeness. We are not to 'TRAIN' our children. When they learn that you will answer their cries they will not need to 'wail' to get your attention.
Really?
We are not to train our children?!?!?!
train/trān/
Verb:
Teach (a person or animal) a particular skill or type of behavior through practice and instruction over a period of time.
Who will train our children if we don't? A child is supposed to have a pretty much set personality by age 5, long before the enter school. So who is teaching your child to communicate their needs in a manner than is acceptable for life? If my 10 year old sat screaming in the grocery store because they want something, it's because I taught them that is the way to get what they need. Instead, I choose to teach my children sign language. My 6 month old was perfectly capable of telling me "eat," "water," "potty," "Mommy," "Daddy," and "tired." Guess what? She's not a screamer. She gets plenty of love and affection. I've actually had people tell me that a baby who smiles like mine does when she gets kisses obviously gets them a LOT. This article is inflammatory, one sided, and off the wall. Every child has different needs, but to say that running at every small whimper is the answer to everything is simple foolishness. First of all, I have another child I have to give attention to, a house to clean, meals to cook, laundry to do, and errands to run. I literally can not spend all day holding a baby. And no, I can't carry her because I'm pregnant with my third and she's over my weight limit. I don't believe in letting a child scream themselves to sleep, but I also don't believe in running at every tiny sound.
you DELIBERATELY
you DELIBERATELY misunderstood her.
rough waters
Boy, you're in for rough waters down the line. Sometimes kids cry simply because they're not getting their way and there's nothing wrong with saying no and standing by it. Let them do what they want & eventually a policeman will step in & the scene will be much uglier than if you had simply taught them boundaries.
Acceptable to who? My
Acceptable to who?
My children are always polite in public (and at home). Rudeness is not acceptable. They have good hygiene, as poor hygiene is not acceptable. Other unacceptable things: bad table manners, saying curse words, eating marshmallows for dinner. Those are things I have taught them, because they are important.
My daughter was always very independent and slept on her own with no problems. My son just started going to sleep alone, and he is 5. He's always been a snuggler and needed and enjoyed physical closeness. It's how our brains are hardwired. How is that unacceptable?
I often wonder what would happen to the animal kingdom is babies were treated like human babies are. It's unfortunate that we ignore the natural instincts and needs of our children.
Umm just to reply about your
Umm just to reply about your comment regarding nature and animals raising their young, Is that really a good comparison? Some animals eat their young.. You may want to watch more of the discovery channel.
I think if the article is
I think if the article is going to mention rats as a variable, then yes, I think commenting on the comparison of humans and nature should be permitted.
I agree!
I was thinking the same thing! If the article is to compare and test rats to human babies then I wouldn't see a problem bringing in the fact how animals treat their young and compare! On a side note I think this article is ridiculous and incorrect on so many levels!
I agree- this article was not written by a parent or at least not a knowledgable one
I would be shocked if this woman actually has kids. It is completely normal for babies to cry! My God if my baby never cried then I would think something was wrong. I can't believe how unfounded this article is. Of course our babies should be nurtured and attended to but to think we could leap to their every need like mind reading servants before they had time to fuss and cry is simply impossible. We do our best and some babies need lots of cuddles and soothing and others don't. Some turn out to be anxious as adolescents and strong adults and some the reverse. But how much crying we evade for them in infancy really seems to have nothing to do with it so long as we are providing the best environment and most love we can for them. We are people to and we don't stop having needs to sleep and eat and have relations with our peers either!
See the names and dates in brackets?
They are references. To scientific studies. This is not one person's opinion, this is fact based on scientific research. Justify CIO-methods all you like by questioning the parental status of the author, but facts are facts.
A name and date in brackets
A name and date in brackets is not a compelling argument. (Me, 2012) The references are unquoted and out of context and don't always apply to the point of the article. A study that shows that extreme neglect (like leaving babies alone for 10 hours) raises cortisol levels and can, over a prolonged period of time, result in neurological damage does *not* support the assertion that letting a baby raised in a loving home cry it out for 20 minutes will cause brain damage. This is HORRIBLE pop science reporting and would never be published in a peer-reviewed scientific journal.
LOL
Studies can be manipulated to serve the purposes of the organization funding the study. If you don't get the results you want, you keep repeating the study & altering the factors until you get the results you want.
"To Whom"
Sorry. Personal pet peeve.
You are a grammar troll
Sorry. Personal pet peeve.
Perfect.
This.
By saying that a child is
By saying that a child is only allowed in your presence if the exhibit only certain emotions/behaviors teaches children that A) your love is conditional B)the big uncomfortable feelings that they are experiencing are bad and they should feel shame over them C)you only love them when they exude certain behaviors D)Those big feelings (Anger/Frustration/Anxiety) are developmental milestones that you are not interested in helping them navigate through in a healthy way.
Yea. I'll pass on your parenting style.
I agree with both of you.
I agree with both of you. This article does not define "neglect". Is it letting your child cry for 5 min? 10 min? 3 hours? I believe there are often very good reasons to let your child cry it out and I agree with you that if their basic needs are met, the child will be fine.
Think for a moment
Just stop and think for a moment about what you are saying -- in the phrase "cry it out," what exactly is "it"? Even if it's "just" his need for security and closeness to his parents, THAT IS A BASIC NEED. Babies cry to communicate their needs, because they cannot talk. How do you KNOW your baby isn't hungry, wet, cold, lonely, scared, etc? As far as defining how long it's okay to let a baby cry, we do not need a definition if we are following our instincts and parenting with the goal of meeting our babies' needs as much as possible. This article is in reaction to a society full of "experts" and parents who believe and preach not only the option but the "necessity" of leaving TINY babies, newborns even, to cry themselves to sleep.
Ironically, many babies suffer from sleep deprivation because they are hauled out at every time of day and prevented from napping on their own biological rhythms because the parents view the baby as an accessory or can't be "inconvenienced" by staying home to let the baby nap. Yet when the baby has sleep problems due to the parents' inconsideration, he's left alone to cry himself to sleep.
but what if
What if "it" is just difficulty self-soothing, and not a need for security and closeness?
I have my own modified CIO method, because I could not stand for my kids to feel like I was not there for them. When I felt they were ready (depending on size, development - anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months) I would only pat and shush them to sleep while they were lying down - singing, stroking the cheek, stopping every 10 minutes to try feeding/changing and for a snuggle. But I would not let them go to sleep while I was holding them, bouncing them, or with the pacifier. They cried and cried for the first few days, but then got used to self-soothing.
It was very painful for me, I felt so sorry for them - but I also felt like it encouraged good sleep habits. And I didn't feel like they felt unloved, just "unhappy" because they were very sleepy and couldn't figure out how to go to sleep. So crying "it" out meant crying out the inability to go to sleep on their own.
I have terrible sleep habits, I can't go to sleep easily at all. All of my children go to sleep SO easily. I don't know if it is because of my method, or because they take after my husband.
I just can't believe that 2-3 nights of crying themselves to sleep, while being comforted, could affect their well-being long-term.
please
self-soothing - a term used by parents who can't be bothered to do their job. You did not teach them how to sleep you forced your children to realize you do not care, you will not come for them, they cannnot trust you and they evenually GAVE UP on you - something that will stick with them FOREVER. I'm glad you feel bad, you should. All of you defending this method should. You are not talking about 5 minutes or 10 minutes but full on "exhaust yourself by crying and I'm going to ignore you because it suits me". You mothers are lazy, self-concerned and obviously choosing to ignore the damage you have done to your children for your own convenience. Ya, ya, "they're fine", "they're independent" blah blah. I don't buy it - I guarantee those children have a lesser start in life and YOU are to blame. How do you know what kind of person that child would be if you chose to do what you signed up for and actually took care of that child - even if you wanted sleep, even if you believed raising a child would be easy - you should have known what was best without being told. Shame on all of you!!!!! My son, as a baby, was NEVER left to wonder why we decided not to help him, why we left him all by himself, never left to cry by himself - frankly I don't know how cold your hearts are to be able to do that. FYI he is now 3, is the best sleeper ever and has been sleeping through the night since he was younger than 6 months, even naps like a champ still. He is independent, smart, brave, strong and knows we love him. He has never thrown a temper tantrum, is not spoiled and is the most confident 3 year old. He is not clingy, is not a 'mama's boy' and is the most social child you would want to meet. I don't even want to think how different he would be if we had decided to be selfish and ignore him as so many of you are defending. My son is living proof - believe this article or not. I see so many of my 'friends' children, those who are lazy like you women, and you can see the difference almost immediately - these are the children with learning issues, behavioural disorders, ADD, ADHD, etc....again, living proof. "self-soothe" - what a line of crap. GET OFF YOUR ASSES AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABIES!!!!
See, I think you people who
See, I think you people who co-sleep and baby led ween are lazy and weak.
My mother let me sleep with her until I was 10! You know what that got me? The inability to sleep alone or sleep in the dark. I sleep with the TV on. I jump up out of a deep sleep in a panic if it's too quiet.
The lazy parents are the ones who want their kid right beside them so they don't even have to wake them up to slap them on a boob. They can't be bothered to put their kid on a schedule or have them cry for 5 minutes to learn a little independence. Talk about lazy asses.
Right on. I slept with my
Right on. I slept with my parents until I was 16. Yes, you heard that right. I was scared to sleep alone. I felt if they weren't confident enough in leaving me alone, something must be wrong with me being alone. When you challenge your kids a bit more, you show confidence in them being able to take on something new.
When my baby cries while I'm
When my baby cries while I'm holding her I hold her even closer, I certainly don't reject her for being upset by putting her down! They need to be told that having feelings and expressing them is acceptable behaviour. It's perfectly natural to cry, turning your back on someone who is upset is not.
When my baby cries while I'm
When my baby cries while I'm holding her I hold her even closer, I certainly don't reject her for being upset by putting her down! They need to be told that having feelings and expressing them is acceptable behaviour. It's perfectly natural to cry, turning your back on someone who is upset is not.
No it doesn't. You've
No it doesn't. You've obviously missed the whole point of the article. In fact, if your child had had all of her/his needs met when younger with lots and lots of holding and feeling secure, they would not be 'wailing' as a two year old.
I love how the non cry-it-out
I love how the non cry-it-out folks never seem to take into account that there are all kinds of different temperaments out there. To say that you can prevent a 2-year-old from having tantrums by never letting them cry is completely absurd. Do you even have children?
I hate to break it to you, but sometimes babies just cry - they cry whether they are held, fed, changed, put down, whatever.
Besides, this article is filled with total exaggerations. Most of the studies that have shown detrimental effects related to crying come from children who have been neglected and abused. Which is much different than letting your baby cry, and checking on them in intervals.
What is the connection?
I am the first to say temperament varies. I have three very different babies. But I gave each of the three as much comfort as they needed. All children cry and some cry a lot...that does not mean a parent should ignore the instinct to respond.
When people talk about CIO, they aren't talking about 2 year old tantrums. They are talking about sleep training infants.
I totally agree
It is frightening to know that many parents used CIO as an excuse to not be inconvenienced. My sister did so with her three children and convinced her husband to ignore his instinct to respond to their children's cries. She cited Dr. Richard Ferber's book every time. Needless to say, her children have been diagnosed with ADHD, insecurity, learning disability, etc. Why didn't this study come out when Dr. Richard Ferber's was first published?
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