Moral Landscapes

Okay, but as a parent you can only feel guilty long enough about each incident in a child's life.... it just isn't healthy.

"Animal studies show that poor parenting snowballs across generations, especially if natural childbirth is disrupted (which is done routinely in US healthcare)."

I attempted to go natural and planned for it but my baby was a footling breech and even my doula said there was just no way to deliver naturally and I had to have a c-section ( and I tried everything the weeks before to flip her -- moxibustion, standing on my head,music, lights, etc. ) Does that mean my baby is damaged for life? I hope not. I don't think it was a sign of bad parenting. I am all for natural childbirth, but lets also not forget how many babies like mine would've died or had their hips dislodged being delivered.

The notion of being resilient is key in the formation of a family and the growth thereafter. I found the 10 keys listed in the forward of the book "How's Your Family Really Doing?" super helpful in evaluating my own family and growing together as one. Read it! http://bit.ly/howsyourfamily

I think being the perfect parent is not possible, however, I do believe parents today dont want to take any responsibility for the total care of their child. They want everyone else to do it for them. In addition it seems no parent truly wants to help a child with behavior problems. They either punish or go into denial. No help outside the family is ever sought. Then when the child becomes a young adult who cant cope properly well the child is an adult now so its time to grow up end of story.

Dr. Narvaez,

Thank you so much for making the distinction between resiliency and thriving. I believe from here on out--that I will make sure as I teach life and resiliency skills to people (specifically with the military, as well as in parenting and marriage education classes)--I will stress this nuance as well. It often seems a fight against what society is brainwashing people to believe--that children are from heaven, that our main goal in raising and growing them into adulthood is their need for unconditional love, safety, and security so they can become self-actualized, independent, loving, nurturing, and caring individuals. Thank you.

My question is how do we stress the critical impacts of just aiming for resiliency instead of teaching/showing thriving? What would you suggest for the people that understand and are in the leadership, mental health, helping, clerical, and teaching professions do to impart this wisdom of demonstrating and teaching what thriving looks like and is? I know this distinction of good parenting and helping people come back to their maternal and paternal intuition. The days when the going is rough and I'm trying to relay this information out to the 2/3s that need this through example--can be daunting. It won't overwhelm me or deter me--but any tidbits of what works elsewhere is good for the soul to hear! Thank you.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

I really appreciated this article, but I look at child rearing and thriving beyond just the type of child birth you have or if you breast fed. I had a natural child birth and breast fed for 6 months. But the real hardship of child rearing is keeping up that type of care as children grow up. So much attention is put on breast feeding now days, and then in many countries women are expected to go back to work after 6 months and/or put their children in day care for very long days. Real parenting is more than breast feeding and lasts much longer than infancy.

I agree with all of the content of the article. However, it seems there is a misunderstanding of the word resilience. Resilience is the ability to meet change and challenges without becoming overwhelmed by them. Resiliency and thriving go hand in hand and I want both for my child. The best way to instill resilience in my child is to do all the things you suggest - co-sleep, hold her, attend to her cries, and be a present, loving, respectful parent. Then she gets the message that the world is a place she is able to navigate.

As a worrying, first-time mom, it is helpful for me to remember that human beings are resilient. That a fever is something my baby girl can overcome, that the accidental minor bump to her head as I was shifting around in my nursing chair that I felt guilty about for days is not going to harm her in any long term way (and that my response to her crying about it is more important that the actual event), that somebody else interacting with her in a way that I didn't like is something she can handle because I and her papa are so committed to being with her in a way that is respectful. In these times it's very helpful for me to remember that she is resilient.

Excellent article. Thank you for speaking to the natural way human infants are designed to be cared for and supported. Many hospital birth protocols are disruptive to the child/parent bond. Hospital protocols will not change until they BELIEVE that this bond is critical. For our culture (USA) to change, we need to recognise AND actively support children and parenting. We have promoted and pushed a culture that supports children as an expected accessory to marriage or partnership and not genuine individuals requiring their own dedicated relationship from parents. We are in a culture of self importance and instant gratification. Children are incongruent to this.
To have children thrive, we must preserve the infant/mother bond. We have so many practices that violate a child's first developmental task: that of establishing trust, such as:
*separation from mother at birth
*lack of breastfeeding initiation and/or continuation
*circumcision, a wound upon the most sensitive part of a body that disrupts brain activity, seeming to alter it permanantly http://www.stopinfantcircumcision.org/BrainVisualizationArticle.htm
*crib sleeping that does not meet a baby's biological need to sleep close and nurse upon desire
*carrying infants in car seat carriers and not in arms, where they are close to the heart and sounds/vibrations of our voice.

The leaving of dependent infants in day care disturbs me greatly. Babies need to be in arms a great deal and have their cries tended to very quickly. We are seeing the results of infants whose body's did not get the biological message that they were loved, valued and that they were safe. Babies who do not grow up with this reality frequently cannot grow up to be caring empathetic emotionally healthy adults. As I once heard a counselor say, "You don't know what you don't know". That doesn't mean that you cannot learn but why are we handicapping our children so much so that their struggle into adulthood causes them to merely survive and not thrive. It's a very complex political,economic and social problem that very few are willing to look at.

School faculty members are required by law to report suspected child abuse, yet they are allowed, by law today in 19 U.S. predominantly Southern "Bible Belt" States, to inflict physical Pain as punishment on school children with legal impunity and absolutely no safety standards, training, testing or certification to protect students!
Recently, Texas Governor Perry recently signed HB 359 and North Carolina Governor Perdue signed SB 498 Giving Parents the Right to Prohibit Corporal/Physical PAIN as Punishment of Their Children in Schools!
Corporal/Physical Pain as Punishment is Illegal in Schools in 31 U.S. States and All U.S. Prisons.
Research consistently finds that Corporal Punishment is harmful to the healthy development of children and is an impairment to the learning environment. Over 50 National Children's Health and Education organizations are opposed to school corporal punishment of students.
School paddling is discriminatorily applied to boys, minorities, disabled and low income students.
If school employees hit students with wooden paddles in public, they'd be arrested for assault as would any parent, police officer, lawmaker or U.S. Supreme Court Justice.
School paddling injuries result in several thousand students seeking emergency medical treatment annually and puts school districts at risk of lawsuits paid for by taxpayers in those communities.
Please add your voice to the National Campaign to End School Paddling of Students at Unlimited Justice founded by Billionaire Fashion Designer and Education Reformer Marc Ecko.
Check out free online resources for all child caregivers ­"Plain Talk About Spanking" at http://www.nospank.net/pt2011.htm , sparethekids.com and dontbeatblackkids.com.

I like this article and agree with it. I am a proud stay-at-home-mom. My son is 14 months old and still breastfed, as long as eating normal foods as well, and has never had a drop of formula. He was exclusively breastfed until he was 6 months old. I spend a lot of time with him, playing with him, and teaching him. We have co-slept with him since he was born. We did the baby-wearing until he got too big (he was over 22 lbs at his 6 month old well-baby visit) He is such a good baby, hardly cries, is always happy and smiling. He isn't nearly as shy as most children seem around his age, he's outgoing and loves meeting new people. I couldn't agree with this article more. Now, yes things can happen at birth, but there are ways to really do well in other areas. I ended up having an epidural at birth because my little man was facing up and not down, and got stuck on my pelvic bone. If I had not finally done the epidural after 13 hours of labor, I probably would have had to do a c-section. I was in labor for 21 hours and pushed for 5! This is an awesome article, and those that can't seem to see past what may seem negative to them may just be mad that it doesn't agree with them.

Dr. Narvaez, I love you! It is so refreshing to find an article from a reputable source backing up what I get so much criticism for on a daily basis. My son just turned one and almost everyone (including his pediatrician) has been asking when I am going to wean him. Breastfeeding past 1 has become so taboo it's a bit ridiculous. My parents, my husband's parents, pretty much everyone I know accuse me of "spoiling" my babies because I respond when they cry. How did we get to this point? Breastfeeding in public has become such a controversial hot button topic. If women were viewed as caregivers and nurturers instead of sex objects, breasts would be seen for what they were intended for and men wouldn't feel so perverted when they see a child suckling from something that would normally turn him on.

Our nation definitely needs an intervention. We are in desperate need of peaceful (attachment) parenting courses as well as pregnancy prevention. Adults feel entitled to have children, just as you said, as part of something that completes their relationship. Yes, people are entitled to have children, but with that comes the responsibility of caring and nurturing them and not just using them as props in the family photos. It's sad really.

But thank you for this article, I have already shared it on facebook and am receiving backlash for it. If only people could be a little more openminded, they wouldn't become so defensive when they see something that contradicts their way of living...sigh.

I agree that children should be cared for, loved and given every advantage as parents. I love the point of the article. I have to disagree with the fact that detachment from our children is a new concept. Yes, native cultures, hunter/gatherer societies, farming culture allows for good strong attachment parenting. But, the industrial age happenned over a 100 years ago. Poor people have been sending their children away to work long before that. My parents grew up in a best seen and not heard society where the rod was applied regularly. My husband's grandfather was a household servant at the age of 6 for another family. Now, I think that we place children at the center of our lives more, not less.

What a wonderful article. Thank you for writing it.

Maybe the resiliency issue is also just a matter of how the word is used. For someone to use the excuse that children are resilient as a cop-out to good parenting, or an excuse to be selfish is not a good thing. But as long as it is used as a way to provide some relief for stressed out parents who are unable to live up to some unrealistic, perfectionist ideal, it might be okay to remind them that children are resilient. :)

Daria, I agree with your point about resiliency being a horrible excuse for abuse and neglect. But why present a rigid extreme as the alternative? Are you trying to help parents, or judge those who parent differently than you do?

The parents I hear from through my blog are willing to do a lot of “self-sacrificing”, sometimes so much that they end up behaving abusively towards their children because they aren't creating boundaries for themselves and taking care of their needs. The tribal ideals aren’t working for them. They believe themselves failures unless they have natural births, can manage constant physical contact with their babies, breastfeed, and have babies who never cry (as if it’s healthy for babies to be prevented from crying!)

Yes, our ancestral babies might have been eaten if they made noise, whether it be crying or happy exuberance. But we live in a different society today and a far more complex world than our tribal ancestors -- less communal, interdependent and predictable. Ours is a society in which freedom of expression and individuality are valued, and where the expression of feelings are vital to emotional health (which means allowing babies to cry when they need to).

Our children's futures aren't mapped out for them. Unlike our tribal ancestors, our children will be expected to individuate, be innovators, problem solvers, make lots of life choices and probably (hopefully!) live independently at some point in their lives. Some of our ancestors' parenting practices might have served them well, others not so much. Certainly, we should keep these differences in mind when we consider adopting ancestral practices.

Parents, it's simple really... Perceive your baby as a unique and capable person -- dependent, but not helpless. Observe her. Listen to her. Learn from her. Take care of your individual baby's needs as she requests. Allow her to initiate activities, make choices, be herself. Believe in her. Support her to do all that she is capable of doing, and she will grow to be self-confident and resilient...in the best possible way.

One more thing, Darcia, I'm curious... How would you suggest parents provide both "constant touch" and "free play in nature"?

I loved this brainchild of yours! Great article!

Dr. Narvaez,

Thanks for a well written and direct article.

I think that thriving and resilience are not mutually exclusive. To the contrary, they are contingent on each other. Children who are not taught the value of the process, not only the outcome, don't thrive. If children don't learn that failure is inevitable and that there's a way to learn from it and move on don't thrive. They get stuck when they make a mistake and they quit.

On the other hand, children who know how to go through the process and endure the pain of trial and error, thrive. They are nurtured by their parents that the grade is not the end all. Their effort is celebrated. Their individuality is commended. Their failures and mistakes are not punished but rather used as fertilizer to grow some beautiful buds.

Thriving children are resilient children.

Mendel,
http://www.letyourchildfail.com/

Parenting has a steep learning curve. And learning to take care of someone else's needs assumes that we first know how to take care of our own. In my experience, most parents have no idea how to take care of themselves and therefore have a really difficult time learning to be giving toward their child.
I think all people are resilient WHEN they have strong attachments to the people in their lives. People who have good relationships and therefore good support can overcome many obstacles in their way. Same with kiddos. If we form great attachments with our kiddos then of course they will be resilient when we're having a bad day. With my kiddos, I like to think that they need at least 10 really great interactions with me for every 1 interaction that I realize isn't ideal. And then, I have to talk to them about times when I don't live up to the kind of mother I want to be. I like to think that these talks help them realize that we don't have to be perfect but we do have to mend our relationships when we know we've done something wrong.

I don't know, I kinda wanna call BS on this whole thing. In my experience of working with children from many backgrounds, kids are for the most part pretty resilient. Some of the most loving amazing ppl I know come from horribly ill equip parents.
While I agree with the sentiment of aiming for thriving children (that seems like a no brainer for any parent that isn't checked out); Living a life with no distress is completely unrealistic. I'm pretty sure in all of history life has never once operated in that manner. Development of those tools need to happen at some point or later in life it leads to a non functioning adult. Does that mean we should purposely put our children in distress? Obviously not, but I think this totally feeds into this idea in the US that American moms have to "do it all" while "looking good/being perfect" and without getting support.
Also sacrificing teaching our children how to behave appropriately at risk of "distressing" them is dangerous to society as a whole and a general lack of parenting (which I see occurring in many different forms in the past few decades) is the biggest problem I see in the schools and with young adults. I think that is a far worst kind of "distress" you can do to your child because you are gifting them with a different kind of struggle that will be increasingly difficult the older they get.
The part about kids crying I also fundamentally disagree with. Some kids (and sometimes some adults!) do actually need to cry to exhaustion and from experience I have learned it's pretty healthy. One of my son's, for one occasionally needs that as a release, it's like a reset button for him. I wonder how many kids wind up as zombies on pills because someone thinks in order to be healthy they have to be happy every moment?
And while I think most loving parents do put their kids first, it shouldn't be at the sake of our own health and well being. Back to the whole looking good as a parent nonsense. It's unrealistic. As caregivers we need to take care of ourselves TOO.
My kids kids at first were not happy that we left them to go on a date last night. You could say at first they were in distress about the idea. But because they have the tools to cope with it they got over it, we had a lovely time and are more in love and therefore have more love to give to them as a result AND are modeling healthy relationship to them at the same time.
All in all I guess dont really get the point of this article. I don't think anyone is ever "aiming" for resilient children" so the idea that they would put this out there with that implication leaves a bad taste for me...