Mommy Mental Health

Keeping a Marriage Juicy After a Baby

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 19:54:53 +0000

It's easy to lose the passion in a marriage even without a baby added to the mix. With the addition of a baby, the couple needs to focus even more on the most important relationship in the house - theirs. Otherwise, their lives together can start feeling like a mass of mundane tasks with the house and child.

Dates need to be set like clockwork every other week. Some of the groundrules for dates are:

1. no talking about the child/ren
2. change your clothes before going out, put on some makeup, brush your hair - remember how you primped when you dated a while back? Do some of that!
3. keep conversation light and romantic - the more awkward it feels at first, the more you needed this date

Remember the simple "I love you" as you pass in the hall and make sure the two of you laugh together. A couple who doesn't laugh typically isn't experiencing much intimacy either. On that note, sex is important - it's the mortar that holds the bricks together. Stay tuned for a quickie (pun intended) article on re-introducing sex after the baby comes.

How to Stay Positive When Negativity Surrounds You

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 20:55:49 +0000

It's a simple concept, but not always easy to implement at first. But, with just a few key strategies, you can remain upbeat and positive even when the rest of the world seems like it's sinking into worry and complaints.

That's key #1 - stop complaining. Yes, forever. Complaining is absolutely poisonous and inevitably gets you nowhere but further down. Allow yourself to state what you don't like, but in a way that helps you look forward to bringing into your life what you do want instead. For instance, repeatedly whining about an unsatisfying job is spinning yourself into a web of negativity - toxic for you and all those around you (it's catching, if they're not careful)! Instead you can say in a normal, pleasant voice, "I don't like commuting two hours since it takes me away from my family too much. I'd love a job thirty minutes away or less."

Or, if you've lost your job and want another one, don't complain about how unfair your last boss was or about the state of the economy. I guarantee that will make you bitter, anxious, depressed, or all of the above. In its place, state strongly and clearly to yourself, "I'm looking forward to my next job! It will be even better than the last."

With practice, this new attitude will not only help you feel better, it can also assist in bringing about what you desire.

Not So Happy Mother’s Day

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 20:57:42 +0000

Thousands of mothers will have a hard time enjoying Mother's Day this year due to postpartum depression. One in 7 new moms get hit with this disorder, and for this 15%, Mother's Day can be pretty tough. Most importantly, make sure she's getting good care from a therapist who specializes in postpartum depression. Although a depressed mom may not be able to enjoy much at all these days, her mood may pick up on Mother's Day when you take the following steps. Here are some tips to help the depressed mom in your life enjoy the day as much as possible:

DO NOT...
....buy her chocolates that come in a box. Most commercial chocolate candy will make her more depressed or anxious. After the initial lift in endorphins, she'll crash and become worse. It may set her up for craving more and more sweets in an attempt to lift her mood. That creates an unpleasant cycle of junk food eating, crashing, gaining weight, feeling worse about herself, and slowing down her recovery due to a variety of psychological and biochemical causes.

DO...
....provide nutritious food so her brain chemistry will be fed. She will recover much faster with proper nutrients in her body. Some dark chocolate without the caramel type of junk on it is fine.

DO NOT...
....make plans for an event or excursion which will take a lot of energy on her part. Depression zaps energy, and she needs to have her life extra simple right now. Scheduling a trip to Disneyland will be too much and will overwhelm her even more.

DO...
...make a reservation at a special restaurant, hire a permanent housekeeper, set up regular care for her child(ren) so she can get regular time during the week to do things for herself. If the children are yours too, be on duty with them a few scheduled times during the week, every week. Your whole family will benefit.

DO NOT...
....buy her anything for the house or child(ren). This is not the time for the new microwave or jog stroller, even though she'll ultimately benefit.

DO...
....buy her a gift that she can use completely alone. Anything that will help her nurture herself is good. For instance, a special skin cream she loves, a massage or day spa appointment (you provide transportation), and an upbeat book complete with leisure time to read it.

DO NOT...
....buy her a plant that will take ongoing care (unless she's been asking for a plant). She already has her hands full, and any other living thing requiring her attention may push her over the edge!

DO...
....bring her beautifully scented roses. Roses provide lots of oxygen and can be quite healing.

DO NOT...
....have high expectations for her to have "fun." That will feel like pressure to her. You love her and want her to feel happy, and so does she. But if she can't, don't take it personally. That will make her feel guilty for disappointing you and letting you down.

DO...
....have realistic expectations. This means, enjoy the day as much as you can and accept the fact that she's doing her best to enjoy it too. Keep the attitude of, "she's doing the best she can and she's looking forward to feeling better and better. I'm glad I'm showing her how much I love her."

Dr. Shoshana is a psychologist who treats women with prenatal and postpartum depression. She is the author of a number of books on postpartum depression including, Postpartum Depression for Dummies. Her most recent book, Pregnant on Prozac, is available on Amazon.com. Dr. Shoshana can be contacted through her website, http://DrShosh.com.

Cocooning When Depressed

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 20:57:36 +0000

One of the most common symptoms of depression is feeling alone. Interesting, since it's also quite usual for a depressed person to isolate herself - she often doesn't have the energy or motivation to answer emails or phone calls or to attend social events.

Although it can sometimes be helpful to make yourself social, at other times it's better to do what I call "cocooning."

Cocooning is self-nurturing, which may look different to each person and change frequently. Maybe one time it's wrapping yourself in a blanket by the fire, drinking something warm and watching a movie. Another time it might be sitting outside under a tree reading a novel. For many women I work with it's a hot bath with soothing music in the background.

Well-meaning loved ones may encourage or even demand that you join them at the neighbor's party or another social function, believing that this will help you feel better. Don't ever be pressured into going if it's not right for you, since pushing yourself may backfire and make you feel even more depressed. There's a simple way you can gauge whether or not to go out.

Ask yourself, "Will I feel better if I could get dressed and go to the party?" If the answer is yes, ask someone to help you get ready if you require it. If your answer is no because it feels too overwhelming or stressful, you should stay home and cocoon.

Choose what's healthiest for you. The answer may be different each time an occasion arises, so listen to your intuition and feel good about tuning in to what would be best for you.

Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression?

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 15:00:44 +0000

Women are most vulnerable to depression and anxiety during pregnancy and the postpartum period. If depression or anxiety is going to surface, it typically happens at this time.

How can you tell if what you're experiencing is normal or if you have postpartum depression (PPD)? There are two main ways to differentiate the Baby Blues from PPD.

First, the Blues are considered to be normal. They don't feel good, but they are mild and transient. Most moms - 50 to 80 percent -- experience some ups and downs, weepiness, vulnerability, forgetfulness, and stress when their babies are born. The Blues should be gone by about two weeks after delivery. If they continue, even if the symptoms are mild, this is now called PPD. Often I'm called by women months after they deliver, asking when their Blues should go away. They have unknowingly been suffering from PPD and could have received relief months earlier. Request professional help if the Blues are stubborn, since the faster you get help, the sooner you'll be enjoying your life. You may also avoid allowing PPD to get a foothold.

PPD is a specialty, so make sure you get in touch with a therapist who specializes in the field. She should be able to give you an individual, practical plan of wellness including sleep, nutrition, and emotional and physical support so you can feel like yourself again. There are natural treatments that are often quite effective, so medication may or may not be required. It depends on the individual woman and what she specifically needs.

Second, if the symptoms are severe enough to get in the way of normal functioning, even if they occur during the first two weeks postpartum, it is considered to be PPD. So, if you're experiencing symptoms such as a loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping at night when the baby sleeps, hopelessness, poor concentration, anxiety, anger, deep sadness, low self esteem, overwhelm, or lack of energy (that rest doesn't take care of), don't wait. Get help right away.

PPD is one of six postpartum mood disorders and is the most common, affecting about 15 percent of mothers (around 1 in 7) around the world. The primary cause for PPD is thought to be the huge hormonal drop after the baby is delivered. This hormone shift then affects the neurotransmitters (brain chemicals). There are also psychosocial factors such as moving, illness, poor partner support, financial hardship, and social isolation that can negatively affect the woman's emotional state. Sleep deprivation and lack of proper nutrients in the brain will also contribute (or cause) the PPD. If you'd like nutrition or sleep suggestions (yes, even if you're breastfeeding), feel free to contact me or take a look at the sleep and nutrition sections in Postpartum Depression For Dummies.

It is extremely important to treat PPD, because if it goes untreated, the symptoms may become chronic. Twenty five percent of mothers untreated for PPD remain depressed after one year. There are many important reasons why a new mother with PPD should receive help as soon as possible. If she remains untreated, there is an increased risk of her child(ren) developing psychiatric disturbances, an increased risk for the woman to develop chronic depression or relapse, and there is a negative impact on the marriage and on all the family relationships.

Most importantly, you deserve to be happy! Get whatever help you need. Remember, very mother needs support, so even if you feel you don't need professional help at the moment, make sure you're in a supportive, non-judgmental new mom's group and you're surrounding yourself with friends and others you can be "real" with.

Helping Your Loved One With Postpartum Depression

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 12:40:52 +0000

Maybe you think your loved one hasn't been acting like herself for a while now and you've been encouraging her to seek professional help. Or maybe you're annoyed or angry with her for not responding to motherhood the way you or someone you know did or the way you think she ought to. Maybe you didn't even believe that depression was an illness at all until now. And, finally, maybe you're curious: You're really happy with the new baby, so why isn't she? After all, she's the new mother - she should be the happiest of all. You may be asking yourself, "What's wrong with her? Doesn't she realize what a great blessing has come into her life?"

Lucky as she may be to have her new bundle of joy, a mom with a new baby may, in fact, realize the nature of that great blessing but may be completely and helplessly void of joy due to depression. But with the help of another blessing in her life - that is, you, her loved one - she can be set on the road to recovery much faster. The fact that you've picked up this book is a good sign for the new mom because even if this is the only chapter that you look at, you'll get a good idea about what she's likely feeling and thinking. And as you gain clarity about what she's experiencing, you're bound to be better motivated and equipped to help her get the support she needs.

Showing your understanding and unconditional support

It's critical for you to realize that your outward reaction to your loved one's PPD diagnosis is important because it can affect both how she feels about herself and her ability to move firmly onto the path of recovery. Remember that she may be feeling ashamed and therefore worried about and vulnerable to possible judgment from those people she's closest to.

You may feel the urge to offer your opinion, to go into judgment, or to criticize her, yourself, or the doctor who gave her the diagnosis. Hold all that in and wait until you understand more. Any sort of negative judgment on your part will only aggravate and exacerbate the bad feelings she already has about herself. Instead, simply say something like, "Interesting. It's good to know this condition has a name. Thank you for telling me. As you learn more, I'd love to hear about it." And give her lots of reassurance that she'll get through this time just fine - support and reassurance is what she craves and needs.

Stay calm and be open to her sharing. Encourage her to talk, but don't push her to do so. The more you listen in this way, the safer she'll feel with you - and the safer she feels, the more open she'll be. But, if she chooses not to share much, don't take it personally. Her unwillingness to open up to you doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. She simply may be a private person in general, or just not ready to open up to anyone yet.

Excerpts from Chapter 16: "Helping the One You Love"
Postpartum Depression For Dummies by Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D.

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. ("Dr. Shosh")
http://ClearSky-Inc.com

Holiday Tips for Pregnant Moms

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:45:35 +0000

Growing a human being takes a lot of energy - as a matter of fact, it can totally "zap" a pregnant mom's strength when she least expects it. If you're pregnant, you already know that simply walking from the kitchen to the bathroom can take the wind right out of you. First and foremost, slice your "to-do" list in half. The cookies don't all have to be made from scratch. Then, as you're hopping from store to store, and popping from friend to friend, make sure you catch your breath (literally) in between all those holiday errands. Give yourself some "down time", even if it's just resting in the car for a few minutes.

When you go to holiday parties, nibble on crackers to ward off morning sickness, which many pregnant moms unfortunately realize, doesn't just happen in the morning. Eat smaller meals throughout the day, rather than a big holiday dinner in order to keep heartburn at bay.

This is a great time to practice taking care of yourself and setting healthy boundaries. If mom is not healthy, then family isn't healthy. Additionally, you want to demonstrate to your child how to take care of himself. Only accept the invitations that are most important to you so you won't burn out. For those you do accept, limit your activity.

For instance, instead of worrying about whether you'll hurt the hostess's feelings by leaving a couple of hours before the party ends, remember that your first priority is taking care of you. Give yourself full permission to leave the gathering early, since lots of sleep will help you stay healthy, both emotionally and physically. Even if the celebration is at your home, put your feet up and let others wait on you, instead of you serving them. Start practicing accepting help. One of the most damaging myths of motherhood is that you should be able to do it all yourself, and it's a weakness to ask for help. This myth can add to postpartum depression. Start practicing by accepting help - it's definitely not a weakness, it's healthy.
During a lesson I was teaching on manners years ago, one of my students proudly exclaimed, "Never go to a party empty-headed." Well, I would certainly hope that rule is followed religiously! In addition, one often feels odd as a guest walking in empty-handed. If you're one of those, bring along some sparkling apple juice to the function instead of a beverage you can't drink, like alcohol. (Having taught Early Childhood Development for many years, believe me - there is absolutely no amount of alcohol consumption that's considered safe during pregnancy - even if your OB says it's OK.)

Holidays can be tough, even for those who are usually the most even-keeled and grounded. Add the pregnancy hormones to the mix and it can be even more of a challenge. Hormones and holidays can put your moods on a rollercoaster - get the support you need - both personal and professional. A few visits with a qualified therapist to help you through the rough spots can be priceless. If you're experiencing mood ups and downs that get in the way of your daily life, the best step you can take for everyone's sake, including your baby, is to talk to a healthcare practitioner you trust. You may have prenatal depression or anxiety and that needs treatment - not necessarily medication, just a solid plan of action so you can feel more like yourself.

One day you'll be able to wear your favorite sleek, form-fitting glittery dress for New Year's again. For now, celebrate your growth (it's a healthy sign) and dress up in garb that is roomy and comfy for your blossoming tummy. Your maternity clothes can also be glittery and sexy, so show off your new look while you can.Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. ("Dr. Shosh") is the author of Postpartum Depression For Dummies and co-author of Beyond the Blues: Understanding and Treating Prenatal and Postpartum Depression. Her latest book Pregnant on Prozac will be available in January of '09. She's also created guided imagery audios that are specifically focused on helping moms take care of themselves. National TV shows including "20/20" and "The Doctors" feature Dr. Shosh as the postpartum expert and news stations consult her. Several publications including the San Francisco Chronicle and the San Jose Mercury News have written articles on Dr. Shosh's work. She's interviewed regularly on national radio and television and has been quoted in dozens of newspapers and magazines such as the Boston Globe, Glamour, Psychology Today, New York Post, Self, Cosmopolitan, USA Weekend and the Chicago Tribune.

Dr. Shosh is a pioneer in the field and considered the "go-to" expert for postpartum depression. She is a survivor of two life-threatening, undiagnosed postpartum depressions. She founded Postpartum Assistance for Mothers in 1987, and is a former president of Postpartum Support International. She has helped over 18,000 women worldwide through individual consultations, support groups and wellness seminars. As a noted guest lecturer and keynote speaker, she travels throughout the US and abroad, training medical and mental health professionals to assess and treat postpartum depression and related mood disorders. She earned three teaching credentials, two masters degrees, a Ph.D. and is licensed as a clinical psychologist. She is working to pass legislation that helps reduce the incidence and impact of postpartum mood disorders. She can be contacted through ClearSky-Inc.com.
Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D.
Author, Postpartum Depression For Dummies
http://www.ClearSky-Inc.com