Whenever my clients say things like, "my husband helps me at night with the baby," or, "I asked my partner to help with the kids or the house," I always stop them and discuss this point. Are they "helping" you or are they parenting their child/ren and taking care of their home? If we regard the work that's done by another as "help," this implies that it is only our job and the other person is just pitching in and assisting. The same women will also lament that their husbands and partners don't act like parents, but rather babysitters. What moms need to remember is that we can't have it both ways. If we treat our husbands and partners as only helpers and refer to their actions as such, we're in fact demoting them from parents to babysitters. So, instead of saying, "my husband/partner helps at night," try using "my husband/partner and I share the nighttime baby care."

It's important to check our own thoughts, perceptions and behavior (including our choice of words) before it can be expected that our partners will change theirs.

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