Mom Loves You Best

How adult siblings can resolve lifelong conflicts and reconnect.

Avoid Brady Bunch Hopes About Merging Families

Stepparent "Brady Bunch" hopes are usually dashed quickly.

Stepsibings are blended together through marriage, not blood. It's usually a gory blend. The result is one blood child, now known as a stepsibling, is mashed and sometimes pounded into to another blood child's life. One of the toughest parts of the mixmaster–aka the blended family–is getting the blood children to accept living together as step brothers and sisters. Awful things happen like one child taking half of the other step-sibling's room. Disaster follows that can last for decades.

Stepparents, caught in the euphoria of their own new romance, many times blindly, leave the next step of their relationship (step-parenting) out of their parental minds.

The big question is how will their unrelated blood children love or even tolerate each other–let alone share half a room.

These head over heels stepparent-lovers foolishly expect their own blood children to function as a loving stepfamily. This instant family (just like instant mashed potatoes if you ever ate them) is revolting–or just revolts.

What's the problem? Most stepchildren are fused into a newly merged household with minimal preparation.

Ridiculous sitcom "Brady Bunch" hopes are usually dashed in the first few days of stepsiblings getting to know one another. Stepkids don't feel comfortable enough to express their disagreements and conflicts with one another. Or in another scenario, they may just freeze up, not talk. In the worst case, act out in some awful, even catastrophic way.

What is one answer? If you have fallen in love with another person after divorce and hope to create a step family, go to counseling long before you merge your two clans. Choose a counselor like a Marriage and Family Therapist, LCSW, with a background in divorce, stepsiblings and siblings in general. Plan the steps you need to take to unite two families way in advance of merging of households or risk" I hate you stories"  now and for decades to come



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Cathy Cress holds an M.S.W. in Aging from U.C. Berkeley. She is the coauthor of Mom Loves You Best, Forgiving and Forging Sibling Relationships.

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